Moral Dilemma - Should I tell my friend?

DeeFox said:
I would advise talking to the friend of 6 years - tell him that a large amount of money went missing that evening from the kitchen and ask did he notice anything? Do not make any accusations or even hint that you think it his girlfriend - let him come to this conclusion on his own. It is an awful lot of money to lose and you are lucky that you have a relaxed attitude to its loss. Lesson of the week? Don't leave money in pots around the house.
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I like that idea thanks, if only to sow the seed of doubt in his mind as the more I think about it, taking everything into consideration, the more I am convinced of who the culpit is :)

However, could do without the lesson of the week - a little like closing the stable door when the horse has bolted perhaps.

I suppose my "relaxed attitude" as you call it comes from having lived a good many years and gone through a lot of experiences - relative to what life can throw at you the loss of money definitely doesn't come top of my list. My friend is just starting out on life and I am concerned for him really. On the other hand I am thinking that maybe he just has to find out for himself the hard way ..... so you see one minute I think tell him and the next minute I think don't, he should be able to suss things out for himself if he is living in the same house as her. I would definitely not involve the law or the inlaws until I've given it further thought and consideration. I really appreciate your comments and suggestions.
 
You have to report it to the gardai. If this was a burglary you wouldn't hesitate to do so.
Let them investigate.
You just need to tell your friend that you were robbed and have informed the guards. Thats it. No accusations.
 
By the sounds of things all the guests were good friends/relatives except for 1 person the suspect. As these folk are all good friends/relatives surely they won’t be offended if you let them know what happened and that you need to get in touch with the gardai.

By the sounds of it you’d actually be doing your friend the chef a HUGE favour by exposing the theft especially if the girlfriend is already getting money off him, the sooner he knows the better for his own sake.

Does your hunband not know?
 
bamboozle said:
By the sounds of things all the guests were good friends/relatives except for 1 person the suspect. As these folk are all good friends/relatives surely they won’t be offended if you let them know what happened and that you need to get in touch with the gardai.

By the sounds of it you’d actually be doing your friend the chef a HUGE favour by exposing the theft especially if the girlfriend is already getting money off him, the sooner he knows the better for his own sake.

Does your hunband not know?
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Yes, my husband does know (thank God it was my money or he would be gone around the bend). I wouldn't bank on my inlaws not being offended though (There's nowt stranger than folk), so it's a chance I wouldn't like to take.
 
miselemeas said:
My son suggests sending an anonymous note in Chinese (he would get a friend to write it), telling her the gardai have been notified but I have never been a fan of anonymous letters (maybe his imagination is running away with him).
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An anonymous letter about an alleged incident in your kitchen? Yeah - she'd never guess where that came from! :rolleyes:
 
ClubMan said:
An anonymous letter about an alleged incident in your kitchen? Yeah - she'd never guess where that came from! :rolleyes:
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I know, totally cracked idea - I'd never make a blackmailer or a detective, so I have to turn over everything in my mind before deciding on the best course of action.
 
By the way - seems to me that some of the comments in this thread about suspicion, evidence, proof etc. area also apposite here:

my car door was damaged last night fairly sure who did it but have no proof. recourse

Also - thanks to Badge55 for this offensive and bizarre PM presumably on foot of my earlier comment/question: :rolleyes:
badge55 said:
Clubman - Miselemas posted here looking for advice ( as we all do from time to time ) You have stopped only a little short of calling her a racist.

If anyone else posted like this you would delete saying it was unhelpful or off topic.

help me to understand where you are going with this

Reg

Badge55
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Yes Miselemas You should certainly report this to the Gardai and as others have said mention the fact to your friends that money has been stolen and you will be reporting it. That covers everything and no finger of suspicion is pointed at anybody.
It's a huge amount of money to go missing. Don't let somebody get away with this if atall possible. It would make my blood boil if that happened me. You'll get no thanks for not getting this investigated, only some cunning thief having the last laugh at you. This person needs to be thought a lesson and quickly.
 
Hubby was on to insurance company this morning and we are not covered. We would be covered for cash if there was a break-in or break-out. For anyone who doesn't know what a break-out is (I didn't) it means that had I gone out and left the door open and somebody walked in, took the cash and left I would be covered.
 
Whats the problem with informing the guards and then telling the other guests 'there was a robbery here in the past week, the guards want to speak to anyone who was in the house in the past week in case they noticed anything suspicious while they were here, open doors, strange cars, anyone looking in the window etc...' - how would anyone take offence to that?
 
"My friend, who is not Irish, offered to cook dinner from his national cuisine for a group of my friends."

When I read this, it seemed perfectly appropriate, and relevant to the extent that it would forestall the inevitable queries which would otherwise arise as to why you would have had a friend around to do the cooking in your kitchen - (to sample the authentic home-cooked cuisine of another country being the answer.). But that's just me. Maybe I was reading an explanation into it.

I would tell both friend and girlfriend together. I would tell them that the €4k is missing and that nobody else had access to the kitchen at the time. I would have no other witnesses and I would tell them that the conversation is completely off the record. I would tell them that I have not decided what to do about this; I would tell them that the reason I delayed in mentioning this was that I was almost sick with the thought of destroying our friendship, but that not telling them would be worse. I would tell them that if g\f took it and if financial desperation prompted this, I am prepared to overlook it if restitution is made.

I would separately tell friend that I obviously do not believe for one moment that he took it, and that I do not want to believe that his girlfriend took it - but that the facts are stacked against her. I would ask that this not destroy our friendship and I would say that I do not want to interfere in his relationship - that I will respect his choice in this relationship, though I obviously cannot pretend to remain friends with his g\f.
 
MOB said:
"My friend, who is not Irish, offered to cook dinner from his national cuisine for a group of my friends."

When I read this, it seemed perfectly appropriate, and relevant to the extent that it would forestall the inevitable queries which would otherwise arise as to why you would have had a friend around to do the cooking in your kitchen - (to sample the authentic home-cooked cuisine of another country being the answer.). But that's just me. Maybe I was reading an explanation into it.
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Thank you MOB, comment and suggestions taken on board and greatly appreciated :)
 
MOB said:
"My friend, who is not Irish, offered to cook dinner from his national cuisine for a group of my friends."

When I read this, it seemed perfectly appropriate, and relevant to the extent that it would forestall the inevitable queries which would otherwise arise as to why you would have had a friend around to do the cooking in your kitchen - (to sample the authentic home-cooked cuisine of another country being the answer.). But that's just me. Maybe I was reading an explanation into it.
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Good comment, I think any reasonable individual would also come to this conclusion!
 
MOB said:
I would have no other witnesses and I would tell them that the conversation is completely off the record.
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They have each other as witnesses if the conversation happened to get slanderous. Also - what do you mean by "off the record" in this context? Do some people really talk like this other than to journalists and cops for example?
 
Technically, I suppose there could be a slander; but the publication is limited to the two people in the room with OP. I can't see a slander action having legs. If OP sticks to the facts I wouldn't worry too much about it.

'off the record' conversations are common in many contexts other than journalistic (by the way, never ever believe that a conversation with a guard is off the record, no matter what they tell you - they will use it if they need to). Solicitors, of course, have off the record chats with each other all the time, so perhaps I am assuming too much; but I would preface any chat by saying that whatever is said in the room will stay in the room ( in this scenario, it would be on the basis of trust between friends rather than any through any legally binding privilege or confidentiality).
 
I may have missed this point earlier, but are you sure that the money was in place before the dinner i.e when did you last check the cash before the dinner took place. I don't think you should limit your suspicions to the one person that you do not like because that sum of money could tempt a lot of people even family.
 
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