Moral Dilemma - Should I tell my friend?

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miselemeas

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My friend, who is not Irish, offered to cook dinner from his national cuisine for a group of my friends. He took along his gf to assist with preparing veg etc. I had a substantial sum of money hidden in a coffee pot in the kitchen while I was waiting to take it to the bank. It was in the area where she was working. Next day, when I went to get the money to bring to the bank, I discovered my money was missing. None of the guests were in the kitchen. I trust my friend 100% but his gf has told me blatant lies in the past.

Do I just keep quiet and put up with the loss (obviously I should have put the cash somewhere else but it's easy to be wise in retrospect etc etc), or tell my friend of my suspicions? I think he intends to marry the girl, even though he told me his parents don't approve of her, but I don't want to lose his friendship.
 
You need to ask your friend where your money has gone.

Be it €10 or €1000.
 
Tough call. If it was a lot of money you need to ask the question because if she is willing to steal from his friend then maybe she is not great wife material however maybe she/they needed the money for something??
 
S.L.F said:
You need to ask your friend where your money has gone.

Be it €10 or €1000.
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He probably doesn't know and I trust him (if not with my life, then with my dog). He may feel I am implicating him and that could put an end to the friendship.
 
sandrat said:
Tough call. If it was a lot of money you need to ask the question because if she is willing to steal from his friend then maybe she is not great wife material however maybe she/they needed the money for something??
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Yes, it was a lot of money (almost 4k) and I don't expect to get it back but I would like her to be aware that I know who took it and that she is not welcome in my home in future. He is very good to her and I know he gives her money (they are both studying here but he is financially a lot better off). I don't have her phone number and she lives in the same house as my friend.
 
4K in a coffee pot??? You 'don't expect to get it back'?? Wow.

The money on its own sounds like a big enough issue to get in touch with her, by some means ASAP and get your money back. What's the worst thing that would happen if you challenged her? You might get your money back, your friend will obviously wonder what is going on, then you can put the spotlight on her and let her do the talking.

If this is really a case of theft and a good man proposing to marry an unsuitable girl - the truth will out - and probably better for everyone in the long run.

A very difficult situation - you should act quickly. Good Luck
 
Thank you all for suggestions. It is difficult to know what to do for the best without hurting my friend and I have no concrete proof to substantiate an accusation, only "circumstantial evidence". They say you should never come between a couple.

At the end of the day nobody died, I still have a roof over my head and won't go hungry. I can deal with that side of it, but the guy deserves better than her and I would really like her to know that I am aware of what she did.
 
What a terrible ordeal to have someone steal in your own home.

You appear to have no doubt whatsoever that it was the girlfriend? Is there any chance regardless of how small, that someone else could have taken it? There are many sides to everyone so we tend to rely on what we think we know about them. The truth is we will never truly know someone's capabilities in particular circumstances until such circumstances arise. This includes financial difficulties/debt etc.


IMO if a guest in someone's home could steal money, it would probably make little difference whether they were aware or not, of you knowing who took it.

If I was in your situation, I would let all the guests and everyone else that was in your house (since you last saw the money) know that a sum of money was stolen and you are informing the gardai. While you are casting doubt, you are not accusing individuals. Those who are not involved have nothing to worry about and indeed should be sympathetic.

Lastly you need to be absolutely sure that you didn't move the money somewhere else before your guests arrived.
 
miselemeas said:
He probably doesn't know and I trust him (if not with my life, then with my dog). He may feel I am implicating him and that could put an end to the friendship.
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I'm not saying go up and give him the third degree, just let him know the money was in the coffee pot before him and his gf were there after they went it was gone.

€4000 in a coffee pot.............bloody hell!!!

You must invite me around for a cup of rich roast coffee.
 
jhegarty said:
For 4k are you not thinking guards + figure prints on the coffee pot....
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Seriously, are you not going to inform the gardai?
No harm in saying to everyone that was there, as suggested above, that this is what you are going to do.
It might help the money re-appear.
Absolutely get the jar finger printed.
I would not be happy to just accept that €4000 was gone, without trying to do something about it.
By telling everyone that the money is gone, you are not pointing the finger of blame at anyone either.

Nicola
 
Ha ha SLF, like your humour - you're welcome, but for the moment it will be "instant" rather than "rich" in my house for a while as I feel "roasted"

You have all given me lots to think about, thanks a mill for taking the time.
 
Ps: just think about how long it took you to earn this money before you decide to 'put up with the loss'.
 
NicolaM said:
Ps: just think about how long it took you to earn this money before you decide to 'put up with the loss'.
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Yeah, I know. I was in town yesterday trying to wind down, looking at

jewellers' windows - "I could have bought that diamond ring, Rado watch etc"
travel agents - "Nice trip to the Caribbean"
BT's window - "Wouldn't have to be rooting around TK Maxx looking for bargains"

C'est la vie.
 
miselemeas said:
C'est la vie.
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Seriously, ce n'est pas la vie!
This is a criminal offence.
Someone came into your house and stole your money!
If the guards checked this out, and found a guests fingerprints on the jar, then it is not your fault for reporting this crime.
Someone came and stole your hard earned money.
It is not your fault that someone stole it.
Why should you stay quiet and take the hit?
If it was that girl, maybe a good thing for your friend to know, before he ties the knot, and gets stuck with her (that is, if she did indeed steal the money).
Anyway, probably the gardai wouldn't be able to find out who stole it, but at least you'd have tried.
Please don't just leave this go, it is completely unfair on you, and you're being too decent.
 
I don't know whether to be astonished or bemused by your attitude to theft :)

Lets only hope the thief wasn't banking on this type of response :eek:
 
OP - how do you KNOW that none of the other guests were in the kitchen? Not trying to cast aspersions on any of your friends, but basically you had money in a coffee pot in the kitchen, a group of people gathered in the house, next day money was gone. So you dont really know who it was.

If you decide to do nothing you are effectively saying 'its ok to steal from me with no consequence' - which is not a good message to send out to anyone.

I think PM1234's suggestion is excellent, let everyone who was in the house know that the money was stolen and that you are informing the gardai.
 
I probably think it was partly my fault for leaving temptation in the way. I should have moved the money upstairs but obviously didn't think of it at the time.

The only people who were in the kitchen when I wasn't there were my friend and his gf. I have known him for 6 years and he is straight as a die, very decent guy. She has told me lies in the past. The guests (4) were husband's sisters/brother and sis-in-law, and I know they would be upset to hear about it so would prefer if they didn't know.
 
My son suggests sending an anonymous note in Chinese (he would get a friend to write it), telling her the gardai have been notified but I have never been a fan of anonymous letters (maybe his imagination is running away with him).
 
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