BF Unemployed for the last 2 years

Hi Emma Jane, If seems to be the operative word here, so many ifs, buts and maybes.

This is classic text book stuff.

I hope through some twist of fate he meets someone else who is totally into his lifestyle and finishes with you. I don't believe you will let him go. Don't understand what hold he has on you but it must be matyrdom on your part.

Please set a time frame and if he lets you down and your in the same situation by your next Birthday, cut the apron strings....

Otherwise you will have to carry him, and carry him and carry him and carry him!
 
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Hi Emma Jane,
you say in the past you have given ultimatiums but then not followed through. That is only sending a message that what you say neednt be taken seriously because its an empty threat. If you give a date by which you expect change and that change hasnt happened then you need to stand by what you say and walk away. You can always walk back if things DO change but letting it slide or accepting a half effort of change is always going to leave you unsatisfied and wanting change and feeling frustrated.

I understand that you love this man and you want the best for both of you. But sometimes you have to either accept someone as they are or walk away because you dont want to spend the next 20/30/40 years trying to force change if its not what he wants for himself.

You really sound like you have your head together in life as regards job, finances etc.... try not to be such a soft touch with your BF, you wont get any thanks for it and you might end up very bitter from always wanting something you cant have.
 
You need some perspective. I would strongly consider a trial separation. If he is definitely the one for you, he will still be the one in 6 months' time. If he is not the one, you will more easily reach a decision when you are - even temporarily - free of the current baggage-loaded relationship. To make it clean and easy, consider maybe if you could take leave (if your job\career path allows) and go away somewhere for 6 months.
 
EmmaJane said:
yeah, i honestly think that if he does a course as apposed to getting a temporary job, it will broaden his future.. thanks for the link
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Further education might not necessarily be beneficial for him.

If he can get a decent paying job right away, you should urge him to go for it!
 
Details of local bereavement counselling services and supports are often listed in the Golden Pages.

The [broken link removed] have published a [broken link removed] (broken down by county) which outlines a number of groups providing bereavement counselling services in the Limerick city and county area.

(I have no association with any of the groups listed in this Directory, or with the Family Support Agency. Just thought links might be useful).

CMCR.
 
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EmmaJane, have you considered counselling for yourself, to provide support and a weekly opportunity to talk while you are supporting him in this phase. It might help you to decide what is best for YOU and what YOU need to do to help yourself in this situation. It might help to re-focus things so that you don't lose yourself in amongst all his problems. If you could afford it, it might be a great help to you (and so will help you to help him without compromising your own self esteem) whether you decide to stay with or if you need to prepare yourself to break up with him. Just make sure any counsellor is IACP approved.
 
EmmaJane said:
We'll i love the bones of him,and vice-versa, i just want him to get on in life. i dont want to struggle if i was to be with him long-term.ie rest of my days..i havent forced his hand over the last 1.5 yrs, and i dont really want to now. But i cant keep going on working hard myself, when my BF doesnt even work..
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This comment says it all.
Step back and look at the situation as a stranger (me!) might see it based on details in your posts;

o You are well educated, hard-working and tolerant
o You are ambitious for yourself and your b/f
o You love your b/f
o You want a nice family home with kids

Your b/f is;
o Not ambitious
o Loves you
o Not well educated, though might be fairly street-wise eg undeclared income + social welfare
o Is prepared to let you do everything for him

Is this a two-way relationship or is his love of the dependancy kind. i.e he needs you. Sounds like he needs to be loved.

What kind of respect does he have for you knowing that you lie for him and allows you to 'carry' him along with a 'sure it'll be grand' attitude ?

Your emotional well-being long-term is going to suffer if you do not take action to address this. Its all very well to stand by him etc ... but how long can you do this ? Imagine if you can, that both of you have two children. How do you think he would cope ? He seems happy to plod along, leaning on you, and your love for him is blinding you to what you know is the right thing to do.

I think MOBs suggestion of a trial separation is a good one - you really need to see how he can cope WITHOUT you - its not final but conditional on him getting a job or course or whatever else you feel would make you want to go back to him. But make it clear what you expect, set a deadline and STICK TO IT.

he family tell me often how much he loves and adores me..
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But your future will not be supported by this alone.

Ultimately, only you know what you expect from this relationship. If he expects different things, then maybe it will be time to find someone else to share those expectations, and not to be leaned on all the time. If he will not be 'dragged up' then don't let him 'drag' you down.

The emotions involved make it very hard to take tough decisions but have to be faced.
 
Emma Jane,

My ex BF used to say that we will get married and have kids someday. However, it was always in the far distant future. When we got engaged, we set a wedding date for 2 yrs down the line. (He was in and out of bits of jobs, I was worn out filling applications for him, texting him phone numbers of jobs etc). I got no engagement ring, he wouldn't even move in with me, as he wanted to continue living at home (to mind his Dad).

The last straw came when I went to view a house near his home. He went to the viewing with me (I was going to sell my house & buy this one, even though it was 10 miles further away from work & my own family). Ex BF was acting funny & didn't seem to care about the house. I told him that I expected him to live with me full time in this house, as I was giving up a lot to be with him. He started looking at the ground & said he would still live at home a few days a week!!!!!

Like you, I kept on 'dating' him ( I was 31) and started booking wedding things. When it came to one year before the wedding, he asked to postpone the wedding for a further 2 yrs, as he was not 'ready', even though he was 35!!!! I finished with him there and then. If he is not 'ready' now, he may not be 'ready' in 2 yrs.

You need to stop giving ultimatums, useless when you don't follow through, and he has less respect for you when you don't carry them out.

Personally I think you need to leave him completely. If this is too difficult suggest trial separation for 3 or 6 months (no contact) and expand your own social life.

Best of luck.
 
Emma Jane - If at any stage, you feel you have enough information and you want to close this thread, just let any of the moderators know.
 
buzybee said:
Emma Jane,

My ex BF used to say that we will get married and have kids someday. However, it was always in the far distant future. When we got engaged, we set a wedding date for 2 yrs down the line. (He was in and out of bits of jobs, I was worn out filling applications for him, texting him phone numbers of jobs etc). I got no engagement ring, he wouldn't even move in with me, as he wanted to continue living at home (to mind his Dad).

The last straw came when I went to view a house near his home. He went to the viewing with me (I was going to sell my house & buy this one, even though it was 10 miles further away from work & my own family). Ex BF was acting funny & didn't seem to care about the house. I told him that I expected him to live with me full time in this house, as I was giving up a lot to be with him. He started looking at the ground & said he would still live at home a few days a week!!!!!

Like you, I kept on 'dating' him ( I was 31) and started booking wedding things. When it came to one year before the wedding, he asked to postpone the wedding for a further 2 yrs, as he was not 'ready', even though he was 35!!!! I finished with him there and then. If he is not 'ready' now, he may not be 'ready' in 2 yrs.

You need to stop giving ultimatums, useless when you don't follow through, and he has less respect for you when you don't carry them out.

Personally I think you need to leave him completely. If this is too difficult suggest trial separation for 3 or 6 months (no contact) and expand your own social life.

Best of luck.
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thanks everyone for your opinions, i do feel that i have enough information to make an informed decision, im still deciding what to do, so when i have decided , ill send a quick post.. thanks again everyone..
 
EmmaJane said:
thanks everyone for your opinions, i do feel that i have enough information to make an informed decision, im still deciding what to do, so when i have decided , ill send a quick post.. thanks again everyone..
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Hope all goes well for you, EmmaJane. Best wishes.
 
It is funny to see how the 2 sexes think. Girls are with someone for a year and half and start thinking about marriage/kids while men (the ones I know anyway) marriage would not come into their head after going out with someone after 1 and half years.
 
Hi EmmaJane -

Long term suitability is important, if the bf cant get up and do summat then lose him. your problems will only get worse as time goes by...

Ever watch Eastenders? Fella in it just watches tv all day long. Pure laziness and i cannot tolerate it. Very annoying.

Declare an ultimatum - if he loves you he will do something.
 
Luckycharm said:
It is funny to see how the 2 sexes think. Girls are with someone for a year and half and start thinking about marriage/kids while men (the ones I know anyway) marriage would not come into their head after going out with someone after 1 and half years.
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more pressure on women cos they have a biological clock ticking?
 
and I just think men and women are different there is no getting away from the fact
 
Luckycharm that's not always true. Sometimes guys propose after the first month and are turned down.
 
Luckycharm said:
It is funny to see how the 2 sexes think. Girls are with someone for a year and half and start thinking about marriage/kids while men (the ones I know anyway) marriage would not come into their head after going out with someone after 1 and half years.
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I see what you mean, but if you are going out with someone, surely you know after a year and a half if it's someone you could marry or not? If it's someone you like enough to marry, why not talk about it? If it's someone you wouldn't marry, what on earth are you doing with them in the first place? If you don't know yet if you would marry them or not, how often are you seeing them? Once a month????????
 
True. And if you don't discuss it, you could be five years into a relationship with someone who doesn't have long-term plans with you. It's not something to bring up on a first date (!) but if you don't discuss it, then you could be headed for a nasty surprise. Same with people wanting or not wanting children - it has to be talked about because it's really a deal-breaker.
 
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