Yes it was very hard on him.. esp when it was sudden.. and she has left 2 babies behind her, of which they are also living in the house,with the parents and my boyfriend.. he felt he was needed at home for the last couple of years. He did go to Bereavement Councelling a couple of times, but the councellor left and we dont know where she went to.. Complicated i know..
BF Unemployed for the last 2 years
- Thread starter EmmaJane
- Start date
Yes it was very hard on him.. esp when it was sudden.. and she has left 2 babies behind her, of which they are also living in the house,with the parents and my boyfriend.. he felt he was needed at home for the last couple of years. He did go to Bereavement Councelling a couple of times, but the councellor left and we dont know where she went to.. Complicated i know..
EmmaJane,
I think you didn't give enough information in your first post. A lot of people rushed to judgement. Depression struck me the first time I read your post. Your subsequent explanations would seem to confirm that it is at least a strong possibility. Medical advice and counselling are a far better bet than askaboutmoney.com as everything you've said about him would seem to indicate that he wants to be a provider but has confidence issues. His current situation doesn't help. Best wishes but don't expect miracle answers from people who don't know the full details. In reading the posts again, I have hope for you as he seems to be someone genuine with issues rather than the waster he has been painted as by those who don't know him or the situation.
Gearoid
I think you didn't give enough information in your first post. A lot of people rushed to judgement. Depression struck me the first time I read your post. Your subsequent explanations would seem to confirm that it is at least a strong possibility. Medical advice and counselling are a far better bet than askaboutmoney.com as everything you've said about him would seem to indicate that he wants to be a provider but has confidence issues. His current situation doesn't help. Best wishes but don't expect miracle answers from people who don't know the full details. In reading the posts again, I have hope for you as he seems to be someone genuine with issues rather than the waster he has been painted as by those who don't know him or the situation.
Gearoid
Thank you, he is NOT a waster. Just a person stuck in a rut, grieving, who loves me.. I just want the best for him and I for the future.. thats the bones of it.. My main questions were about different courses or avenues that he could explore to help him get back on the job scene after everything..
Luckycharm
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Hmm sounds a bit similar to an uncle of mine - not sure he was stuck in a rut but basically he is 63 never had a proper job in his life and is still looked after by his 89 yr old mother 
Even his 5/6 year old grandnieces/nephews have no real respect for him.
Even his 5/6 year old grandnieces/nephews have no real respect for him.Dare I suggest that if he is in a rut and is finding work hard to come by maybe he should consider doing voluntary work for one of the many short staffed charities in each local community, it would be of huge benefit, firstly getting him out of bed and the house (idle mind tempts the devil and all that) plus it would be a great boost to the social skills while also would look very good on a cv.
Many employers tend to be put off if someone is unemployed, at least this way he’d be able to indicate in future interviews that he is contributing in a voluntary capacity.
Many employers tend to be put off if someone is unemployed, at least this way he’d be able to indicate in future interviews that he is contributing in a voluntary capacity.
wow! thought i was reading something on an american website when reading through some of the replies on this thread! since when did a guy who is on the dole become a 'loser'...very much an americanism...and not the nice part of american society.
everybody seems to be coming down very hard on this guy. i actually think its the poster who has the problem!! and in my view, i think the poor guy involved here would be better off without a such a girlfriend who would allow him to be slagged off as he has been above!
everybody seems to be coming down very hard on this guy. i actually think its the poster who has the problem!! and in my view, i think the poor guy involved here would be better off without a such a girlfriend who would allow him to be slagged off as he has been above!
The dole is supposed to be a temporary measure to help people out between jobs or when they fall on hard times. No-one has any problem with a person who goes on the doel by necessity - why people are annoyed is cause the guy is claiming benefits and also received cash in hand without paying taxes. I'm sure a lot of people would love to do this but maturity and responsibility mean that most people face up to the fact that they have to pay taxes.
The problem is that he gets everything he needs from those around him. Mother feeds and houses him, you drive him, dole office gives him pocket money, you provide your place for private moments etc. He will not change unless it is forced upon him.
The only thing that will sort this guy out is an ultimatum. You need to find out if he wants the same future as you. You need to say to him that both of you are going to aim to buy a house within next 2-3 years and then get married, kids etc. For this to happen, he needs to get a full time job and start saving. You need to be cruel to be kind. You need to ease of seeing him - tell him that you will only see him e.g. once a week, until such time as he gets a job and that in the meantime, if someone better comes along for you, then he's history.
Apart from finding out whether this guy is actually interested in being in a life long relationship, the above will also help you find out who the most important woman in his life is - you? or his mother? And you have to be prepared for the worst - maybe you are not the most important thing in his life.
I've seen this go both ways. Sister of a good friend of mine was with one of these losers until into her 30s. In the end, sitting at home, playing video games and being fed by his mother was more important to him than the relationship, so he got the bullet. However, it worked out well for a guy I went to school with. After years of sloth, he actually got a full time job and after working for a couple of years, the couple got an apartment and got engaged. His self confidence also raised and he's a different person now who wouldnt think of lazing about all day.
The only thing that will sort this guy out is an ultimatum. You need to find out if he wants the same future as you. You need to say to him that both of you are going to aim to buy a house within next 2-3 years and then get married, kids etc. For this to happen, he needs to get a full time job and start saving. You need to be cruel to be kind. You need to ease of seeing him - tell him that you will only see him e.g. once a week, until such time as he gets a job and that in the meantime, if someone better comes along for you, then he's history.
Apart from finding out whether this guy is actually interested in being in a life long relationship, the above will also help you find out who the most important woman in his life is - you? or his mother? And you have to be prepared for the worst - maybe you are not the most important thing in his life.
I've seen this go both ways. Sister of a good friend of mine was with one of these losers until into her 30s. In the end, sitting at home, playing video games and being fed by his mother was more important to him than the relationship, so he got the bullet. However, it worked out well for a guy I went to school with. After years of sloth, he actually got a full time job and after working for a couple of years, the couple got an apartment and got engaged. His self confidence also raised and he's a different person now who wouldnt think of lazing about all day.
S
stir crazy
Guest
Come on ! Not every post has been slagging him off. Certainly not my post. Whatever his problem is, its become the Op's problem too. I see a balanced set of different viewpoints based upon the drip feeding of information by the OP.
I think its more like frustration that someone is letting his life slip away than anything else. He is working part time therefore he is employable. He has potential. QED. But he is not working as smart as he could be. Its' ok to judge someones behaviour , it doesnt automatically mean we condemn the person. I'd leave that to a higher power.
I have to agree. Not to be too hard on you Emma Jane but there is an underlying neediness in your posts and you appear to be placing demands on a person who may not be in a position to meet them, not due to any inherent inadequacy on his behalf but because he has family and emotional pressures to deal with himself. Its not his or any other persons responsibility to help you pay your mortgage or meet your working and bill commitments, its yours.
I don't agree with this at all. She is not placing demands on him, in fact the opposite, she is making no demands at all and facilitating him. She is meeting her own commitments no problem and I don't think she needs a talking to about that. The problem is, she is worried whether he will meet his commitments should they plan a future together, should they become parents eventually. She has not personally attacked him and called him lazy, just wants to know what she can do. No woman wants to be looking into a future where she has kids and a husband who is not able to look after himself never mind anyone else. Of course he may change but that is what she is trying to help him with.
I dont fully agree. The pair have been in a relationship fro the past 1.5 years. Its now reached the make or break stage whereby they should thinking more long term. If they are to be in a long term permanent relationship, living together, kids etc., then it is BOTH of their responsibilities to meet any commitments, not just the OP. You cant have a successful relationship whereby the selfishness of one party (e.g. deciding not to work) puts undue pressure on the other party.
This is the OPs original question. The OP is not placing unreasonable demands on him - she is only asking that he do what would be expected of any reasonable person in his situation. The fact that he cant do what would be reasonably expected of a normal person isnt necessarily the OPs fault. I'd guess that anyone in a relationship with him would face the same problem with him, though I would accept that most would have given him the boot long before 1 1/2 years.
As things stand, this fellow isnt capable of being in a long term stable relationship full stop. He is not able/willing to support a partner or family. He cannot even support himself. Dare I say that he is probably more dependant on his mother than she is on him? There is not much the OP can do about this - he has to change to become eligible for a long term relationship. If he's not willing or able to change within the very near future, then no matter how nice a person he is, there is nothing the OP can do, he's just "not available" for a relationship - almost to the same degree that someone who is married is also unavailable.
If you read the posts you will see the patern. Apart from the fact that we have been drip-fed explanations that may explain better the man's predicament and in fact led by her ommisions to some posters writing very negative and uninformed opinions on one post the OP states that she would like him to move out of his family home where he is staying to look after his parents who are unwell and move in with her to "help pay my mortgage". On another she ponders why she she should works and pay her bills when he doesn't. He was unemployed and living at home when they met, my perception is that her perogitives have changed and she wants his to.
terrysgirl33
Registered User
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While your bf has been through a lot, he still needs to act like an adult. When his counsellor moved on, did he try to find another? His GP should know where to find one, and I know our local church has some kind of grief counselling available. I am so sorry he lost his sister, and good for him for helping to raise her kids, but why is he not working? Unfortunately I know a good few people who have been bereaved this year, and no-one has stopped working because of it, though some have taken extended leave.
I'm sorry if I seem harsh, he really has been through a lot, but he needs to act like an adult. This comes from seeing a few people I know, still living at home in their 40s. It's not pretty.
Edited to add, I know we don't know the full facts, and that some important information was posted after the start of the thread, but the facts are still the same, he isn't able to support himself, and it's reasonable for the OP to want him to move in with her, plan a family together in the long term. He seems to be unavailable to do that (this is based on what is posted, and may be completely wrong, but it's what I think)
I'm sorry if I seem harsh, he really has been through a lot, but he needs to act like an adult. This comes from seeing a few people I know, still living at home in their 40s. It's not pretty.
Edited to add, I know we don't know the full facts, and that some important information was posted after the start of the thread, but the facts are still the same, he isn't able to support himself, and it's reasonable for the OP to want him to move in with her, plan a family together in the long term. He seems to be unavailable to do that (this is based on what is posted, and may be completely wrong, but it's what I think)
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he lives at home with the parents, but thats because they are illAlot of people are presuming his parents are looking after him, maybe he is looking after his parents.
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and she has left 2 babies behind her, of which they are also living in the house,with the parents and my boyfriend.Is he not also helping look after his sister's children.
I wonder if this was a female who was staying at home to look after ill parents, and nieces / nephews who had recently lost their mother , would everyone be so negative.
I agree with the drip feeding but you could attribute that to her responding to posts. When she suggests him helping her pay her mortgage I took that to mean that if they ever did move in together or get married, would he be able to help with the mortgage? In terms of her pondering why she should work and pay her bills when he doesn't - again I would see that in light of, if they were living together why should she end up paying for everything. She is obviously *not* considering not working and not paying her bills.
I did ask that but OP didn't answer. I think that would be an important point.
Interesting point. I have to say though that a lot of the posters are concerned about whether he is depressed and where he is going with his life in general in terms of being independent at least and I think yes people would apply this to a woman as well. They probably wouldn't call her a loser though.
terrysgirl33
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OK, I read back over you posts and have a few questions. You don't have to answer any or all of them, they are just things to think about.
You said your BF parents are sick, how sick? Are they on disability? Are they elderly, or of an age where they could reasonably be expected to take care of themselves? Are they expected to improve, or is it something chronic? Are both of them equally ill? If you go on to marry this guy, will you be happy if he is spending a lot of his time/energy/money supporting his parents and not you? Please think long and hard about what you are happy to do.
I'm very glad to hear he isn't involved in drugs or heavy drinking, that would make a difficult situation hopeless, in my opinion.
I know he is depressed over his sisters death last year, but he was unemployed for a while before that, right? Where are her childrens father? Who is the legal guardian of the children? If his parents are too ill to look after the children, are you willing to take them on? Has he any other siblings?
What exactly does he see as his future with you? Ask him detailed questions, try not to say what you want yourself and try to find out what he wants. It sounds like he is telling you what you want to hear, with no real motivation to do anything.
Can I suggest that you start telling your friends the truth, instead of lying? It’s really none of their business if he works or not.
Is he open to doing some kind of counselling to help him overcome his feelings of low self worth and depression? While these are a problem, I’m not sure that anything else will work, IYKWIM.
Have you asked yourself, what will you do if nothing changes? If he can’t, or won’t change, can you live with him like this?
You said your BF parents are sick, how sick? Are they on disability? Are they elderly, or of an age where they could reasonably be expected to take care of themselves? Are they expected to improve, or is it something chronic? Are both of them equally ill? If you go on to marry this guy, will you be happy if he is spending a lot of his time/energy/money supporting his parents and not you? Please think long and hard about what you are happy to do.
I'm very glad to hear he isn't involved in drugs or heavy drinking, that would make a difficult situation hopeless, in my opinion.
I know he is depressed over his sisters death last year, but he was unemployed for a while before that, right? Where are her childrens father? Who is the legal guardian of the children? If his parents are too ill to look after the children, are you willing to take them on? Has he any other siblings?
What exactly does he see as his future with you? Ask him detailed questions, try not to say what you want yourself and try to find out what he wants. It sounds like he is telling you what you want to hear, with no real motivation to do anything.
Can I suggest that you start telling your friends the truth, instead of lying? It’s really none of their business if he works or not.
Is he open to doing some kind of counselling to help him overcome his feelings of low self worth and depression? While these are a problem, I’m not sure that anything else will work, IYKWIM.
Have you asked yourself, what will you do if nothing changes? If he can’t, or won’t change, can you live with him like this?