BF Unemployed for the last 2 years

why doesn't the original poster, realise if they did have kids that he could be the stay at home parent.I f his parents are ill and he is looking after them, as well as 2 small kids, then its only practical that you might consider moving into his home place to help out with the burden and perhaps rent out your own place and sell up what is wrong with him being a full time homemaker..

Would this not be an option Or perhaps the issue of him being unemployed is not the real issue here??
 
Having a DH as a SAHD is a good idea, if it's freely chosen as the best option. Since he isn't working, there is no choice, and that is a recipie for resentment and frustration. Besides, shouldn't they get time to build a life together before kids come along? The point about his parents being ill is a good one, but he's already working part time, so why not work over the counter part time?
 
Whether he's unavailable for a relationship because he's too lazy to work or because he has other issues or responsibilities is academic. The fact is that he is currently unavailable full stop.

Unless this situation changes rapidly, IMHO the relationship has no future.
 
I have told him over the last few days, that we will break up in January if he doesnt start a course with FAS.. Im not taking excuses anymore.. Im fed up with me driving him around, my lying to my parents(they think he is working). My parents feel that he (even with job).. he's not good enuf for me, for the future.. they dont want me to be struggling for the rest of my days.. im beginning to see that they are right.. in 10 years time what i want is 2 cars outside the door, a couple of kids, and a foreign holiday each year. Is that much to want to myself. As it is I take 2 foreign holidays a year, im in my job 7 years, ive taken night courses over the last few years, and i have a diploma from an I.T. college.. I've travelled all over the world, as he's only been away once or twice .. I want more from life, however, i dont want to break up with the love of my life over this..
 
While I understand your frustration with him (from my own personal experience), if he is suffering from depression then ultimatums as stark as that may not be the way to go. I understand that you want a partner and a relationship of mutual support, both financial and emotional, but in my experience deadlines like that make the depressed person run away rather than deal with it. It's a very difficult thing to do - the fine line between take-it-or-leave-it ultimatums and just letting him slide further into the rut.

I would suggest you do a bit of reading on the impact of depression and try to find ways to motivate him to do positive things for himself. Believe me, it's not easy. But understanding what's going on with him might help you cope better. For example, I never realised that one aspect of depression is the erosion of the depressed person's ability to make decisions and to motivate themselves. Once I grasped that, I suddenly had a whole new way of looking at the person and how to help him to motivate himself.

It's kind of like stabilisers on a bike - you help them to get going but at a certain point they have to do it by themselves.

People can get through these things - a combination of counselling and changes in lifestyle and perhaps even medication - but they need support. He may get better and be the partner you believe he can be. Or he may not and you will have to decide to move on for your own sake.

I found some very helpful information for people looking after people with depression on [broken link removed]
There are lots of resources out there to help you help him or help make the decision to put your needs first and let him go.

Keywords when dealing with a depressed partner - patience, time, empathy, understanding. Not easy. It's incredibly frustrating to be honest. But don't feel guilty if you decide you can't do it - it's not a burden you can take on lightly, and even if you do take it on, you might decide to put it down later. Not all problems can be shared.

Good luck. :)
 
Thank you for your advice.. To be honest, he has said himself, that he never talks to anyone about how he is feeling, and he even has said that he suprises himself about telling me things.. He's not used to it., But i have constantly reassured him that he can tell me anything, anytime.. He's beginning to trust me on that side of things, but has said in the past that " boys dont cry".. Ive only ever seen him cry twice.. the day his sister died, and her 1st anniversary.. I feel he needs to get alot of things off his chest, and i will support him going back to counselling soon i hope..
 
The not talking about feelings thing seems to be a huge factor in depression, particularly among young men. If you support him going back to counselling, it'll be a wonderful thing for him and it will be healthier for you because you can't be his only support. Just try to be patient with him but look out for yourself too because it's very very easy to get dragged down by the person you're trying to help.

I think you are right to try to push the job or training issue, not just for his future or your future together but because in the short-term, it is better for him to be busy and not sitting around brooding. If he finds something that interests him, it's another step up the ladder out of the pit of depression and it will help him look towards his future.

It takes a lot of time and effort but sometimes the relationship is worth all the struggle. Just as long as he recognises there is a problem and wants to address it himself.

Best of luck!
 
thank you again. I do think that if he had a job or a course, he wouldnt have time to be sitting around at home, he'd have something to take his mind off it.. I lost someone a month after his sister to suicide, and to be honest he was a rock for me, and i had a good job, with supportive people at work.. and it got me over the worst of it.. I know too well its not easy, but working or concentrating on something different, takes ur mind off it.. And hopefully he'll get thru it.. Can anyone recommend a Bereavement Couselling Service in the Limerick City Area?
 
So you'll get rid of him in Jan and you won't take any excuses, but at the same time you'll support him with counselling (which could take months)???
 
REMFAN said:
So you'll get rid of him in Jan and you won't take any excuses, but at the same time you'll support him with counselling (which could take months)???
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Yes, if he agrees to go regularly to the counselling, AND do a course/job..
 
Hi All, I have read all the posts and agree really with all sides!

However, one question what does HE want to do?

Speak clealy to him and have a cards on the table discussion.

I think you know already what the deal is otherwise you would not have posted this question. Perhaps you just needed to do this to re-affirm what you already know deep down....

Please have the courage and take a step back from this relationship, with a view to ending it. It is self depreciating and perhaps is a sign of your low self esteem. Be good to yourself and take care.
 
In your shoes I would help him overcome his issues and not give him a time frame (Jan is way too short btw). Support him in seeking AND attending professional help. Once he can deal with his issues and build up confidence you can then discuss career options with him (ie- attending a career course).
 
REMFAN said:
In your shoes I would help him overcome his issues and not give him a time frame (Jan is way too short btw). Support him in seeking AND attending professional help. Once he can deal with his issues and build up confidence you can then discuss career options with him (ie- attending a career course).
Click to expand...


I know its too soon, but to be honest, last June, i gave him til sept, and he went to counselling twice.. but as i said she has left since.. September came and went.. and nothing.. Believe u me, i have set time limits before, and he has ignore them, or pretended it didnt happen. his older sister, has told me that the only i will get thru to him is to break up, and maybe then he mite get his act together.. And my best friend has advised me to do the same.. But im swaying two different ways..
 
I think you should ask him what he wants from the future re: marriage & settling down. I suspect he may not really want to settle down. He may be satisfied with a girlfriend he can meet a couple of times a week, & have a part time job & no stress. He may be using this 'not working' as an excuse not to get married & settle down.

I was with a man like this a couple of years ago. He was minding his elderly father, not working. I was with him for 2 yrs. At first I thought he had recently given up work to mind his father. It was only after months & some probing questions that I realised he had never held down a full time job for longer than a couple of months, and he was 34 at the time. I was 30. I wanted a future with a special someone.

Like you I had my own house & car & worked very hard. However I also used to get stressed easily about my job and being able to meet my bills. I didn't care about having a certain standard of life in the future. However, I did want a comfortable home, where I could afford heating/light/food and a reliable car. I didn't want to have to work 50 hour weeks for the rest of my life just to barely scrape by. (This is what would have happened if I had settled with this man).


Like you, I used to pretend to my parents that my ex man was working. They still thought he was not good enough for me as he was in and out of work and, even at 34 didn't have a regular job. There was no class issue on this, as my dad worked as a labourer all his life & worked full time. There was the issue of someone not willing to provide for his family, of trying to push the full burden of paying for everything on to one person.

You should think down the line, what if you get pregnant & are too sick to work for a few months. You will then have to run your household with no income at all, as he won't work!!! Believe me, it is very difficult to run a household & pay a mortgage if there is only dole payments coming in. I was unemployed for a while, when I was single (& trying to pay my full mortgage and car). I found it unbelievably stressful paying my bills & mortgage during this time, & I was lucky I had no children. You would have to face even more stress if you had children & this happened.

If you really want to stay with him, you will have to be prepared to work full time for the rest of your life, only have one child. I know you love working now, but when you are in your 40s you may want to work less hrs & spend time with your child (ren). If he is still acting the same way you will not be able to do this. In fact you will probably get very bitter & resentful when you see peers working part time & still able to have a comfortable home & not worry about bills.

I don't agree with ultimatums. People only change if they really want to. He could be telling you he will change, but could slip into his old ways after a couple of months/a year.

Best of luck. I left my ex and never looked back.
 
he has told me that he loves me, and that he sees himself getting married and havin kids.. so i guess he wants a future.. he has often joked and said " will u marry me" and its been a laugh.. he family tell me often how much he loves and adores me.. i know and feel he does too.
 
honestly you are worth a lot more than this. The fact that you are asking on a website tells a lot. You have achieved a lot for yourself. Do you realy want to carry someone? It is nice to be nice but I can't see what you are getting out of this...not money wise..but there doesn't even appear to be support for you. Better on your own!
 
Yeah but someone can love you and still not be the right person for you.

It's not fair to heap pressure on him to be something he isn't and never has been. And if he has got a problem it's only him that can fix, you can't.
 
Emma if you can get him to do a course, it will do him wonders. I'm doing a MSc at night, and I love it. Getting the brain working again is fantastic for general happiness and self esteem.

Have a look at [broken link removed] to see if there are any vacancies which might suit him.

Good luck!
 
yeah, i honestly think that if he does a course as apposed to getting a temporary job, it will broaden his future.. thanks for the link
 
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