BF Unemployed for the last 2 years

don't mean to be cruel but kick him to the curb. Picture a future you working full time him like rab c nesbit on the sofa a dole bludger! If you have children what kind of work ethic will he pass on. You sound like a hard worker with ambitions, you deserve someone you can build a future with, love and have the funds for some nice treats in life like holidays etc. If your working all the time when do you get a holiday its not like he can bring you for a treat! Love won't keep you alive!
 
Previous posters said it all. Unemployed, feckless dole cheat, who you currently support and who still lives at home with his parents. Quite a catch!
 
You deserve better. Sounds like he has little respect for himself and much as I don't like to say it ... for you too. Only he can get himself out of the rut he is in. You are his girlfriend - not his mother. Consider cutting ties ... it would be difficult at the beginning but 6 months down the road I could nearly guarantee you would look back and say "why did I put up with it for so long?".
 
@ 28 - has no job ! - no car ! - no ambition --------- get rid
 
Sounds like your boyfriend is a full time carer for his parents, this he can look to claim.

If you find your boyfriend an embarrassment , and think your friends will have a low opinion of you because of him, your decision is simple.

Get new friends , or a new boyfriend
 
dh0661 said:
@ 28 - has no job ! - no car ! - no ambition --------- get rid
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He does work however it is in the black economy.So all is not so hopeless as some might have suggested because this fact means he is at least capable of work.

However working this way is not good for his future as I cant see much chance of promotion or pay increases further down the road hes on. Perhaps you need to get him to admit that hes walking down a dead end ? If he got a tax paying job he might find himself earning double what hes getting now in a few or less than 5 years. Also he will have a non contributory pension in the pipeline. Does he really want to be dodging the social welfare and taxman even when hes a pensioner ?

If he doesnt work for long enough there are schemes which might incentivise him to get an education, start a business or go back to work.
I think roughly , (and theres people at this forum who know more about this than I ), theres the back to education , back to work and back to work enterprise allowances which allows you to work while keeping most or all of your payment and also keep the medical card and benefits for 4 years. Theres also a revenue scheme somewhere which means less taxes for the long term unemployed. I think that if you are ever going to persuade him to do the right thing you will need to talk about the bad points of the trap hes in and also the good points/incentives of getting out of it.
Picking on the fact he doesnt have a car isnt really something we should be encouraging. Its' just a meaningless status symbol and if he has one he should have it, not to please others but because he wants or needs it and maybe sometimes it would be nice if he could drive you somewhere instead of the other way around. However its not unreasonable to expect him to take some driving lessons and get his licence to make himself more employable. He might even drive a taxi and be self employed if he doesnt have the personality to fit into a formal work arrangement with suit and tie etc.
I'm impressed that you are both in love with one another but if one partner isnt pulling his or her weight in a relationship love can quickly turn to resentment and a feeling of being used. Also ask him where he sees himself in 5 years time. married or living together with or without kids? Also ask yourself that same question . You might get a surprise or a shock if he thinks life in 5 years time will be the same as it is now (him still living at his parents etc) and reevaluate your idea of what love is.
 
queenlex said:
he has a point here plus if you're in dublin you dont need a car in my opinion.
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Yes but a full licence is a fairly handy thing to have when you are looking for a job..This guy is a waster who looks like will never get off his behind. There are plenty of jobs out there for anyone willing to do a bit of hard work. If this guy hasn't got himself sorted by the time he is 28 he never will.
 
When he is at home with his parents does he actually care for them, do any cooking / house work? Or does his Mum do everything for him?

I admire you for recognising that there is a problem here and for considering your future. It's not easy especially when you're in love but you do have to look to the future. He needs to grow up big time but at the moment there is no incentive for him to do so. He's just going to stay the way he is. Ask him if he intends to be earning the same money in 10 years time.
 
whatever about him asking himself where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years time, youve got to ask yourself where you see YOU being ina similiar timeframe.

Is this guy gonna be an option for you buying a house together, getting married, having babies - or will you be supporting him all the way through? Is this what you want for yourself in life? Im not suggesting that he support you but he should at least be able to pay his own way.

Plus - if he has no ambition now, at 28 years of age, where is that gonna go in the next few years? Do you see him suddenly getting his act together and getting a job, making his way in the world? or is he likely to just float along.

as regards you giving him lifts around the place - its very difficult to stand on your own two feet if someone else is always holding you up - is your behaviour enabling his behaviour? are you making life too easy for him? not many girls would stand for him being lazy and not working, are you just helping him along by not making a stand?
 
You can't love someone if you want them to change.

Real love is accepting the way someone is. It's going to be rough on you if you spend energy trying to change him - he will probably end up resenting you for controlling him.

You sound very intelligent, energetic and passionate about life - you deserve to find someone who excites and challenges you, instead of trying to make someone into something they aren't.
 
Its nice to see everyone in this thread with their noses in the air, ewwww he dosent work hes a waste of skin etc. Anyone remember the 80's? theirs more to life then working and its nice to see everyone on this board has no problems of their own whatsoever and life is just so wonderful for them.
Obviously your BF has more underlying issues, that alot of men go through at some part in their life usually from an over active social life in their younger years, lack of confidence, selfworth etc, you know what im getting at. im pretty sure you've spoke to him about this before and its not something thats just happened over night, im in a similar perdiciment myself having not worked in a couple of years and it aint nothing nice i can assure you
My girlfriend gives me nothing but support and never pressures me into anything, not saying thats a good or bad thing, but i dont ask her for ****, and by the sounds of things neither does your BF. When he's ready he will step up to the plate, if you cant wait, move on
 
Is there a possibility that BF has some sort of depression? Just a thought but it's something that might explain the lethargy and lack of focus.
 
to be honest, he never asks me for a penney.. after i pay all my bills, ie.. car insurance, life assurance,tax,grocerys,esb,gas,etc + mortgage etc.. he nearly has more money each week in his pocket than i do.. He even treats me.. i keep telling myself, that at least i have a roof over my head, and its all mine, and my car is mine also..We have had arguments over the last few mths, over this.. i dont want to hassle him, but i want more for the future. His sister died last year, and it threw him into a major depression for the last 12 months, and to be honest looking for a job took a back seat to everything else.. Now he is starting to come around, and i have said that i want him to do a FAS course even.. Hopefully it will get him somewhere. By the way, he's a kind,sweet generous person,who still kisses his ma leavin the house. His confidence isnt the best, he thinks he's not good enough for any job. I have tried to help him with this, but i dont know how effective i am..
 
TBH, I know men like this, and I know they have issues to deal with, but it gets a bit old when you hit your 40s and are the breadwinner (I don't mean the highest earner, but the only earner) and you can't afford to take time off with the kids. Of course he's a good person, of course he has issues to deal with, but is that enough to make him your life partner instead of a good friend?

Edited to add, do you think he has issues with alcohol or other drugs? One of the effects of this is that the person stops maturing at the age they start using, so you end up with 28/38/48 year olds living at home and working for pocket money, just like teenagers.

This is all based on my experiance and not really on your boyfriend, as I don't know him.
 
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No he's def not interested in any drugs, and he rarely drinks.. He has told me that he sees a future for the two of us, and he knows he has to find a job, or at the very least, do a course to get him started. I helped him with his CV a couple of weeks ago, he applied for a couple of jobs, but to no avail. he didnt even get interviews. that makes him feel slightly hopeless, as he has it in his head already that he's not good enough..
 
west I think you comment about the 80s is a different situation I remember my dad not being able to get work (carpenter) during the 80's. My mam was a civil servant so we were lucky my dad used to do nixers, my mam would knit jumpers and sell them, but he was constantly looking for work. The 80's were tight but they tried their best to work its very different to now when there is plenty of work but he chooses not too.
 
EmmaJane said:
No he's def not interested in any drugs, and he rarely drinks.. He has told me that he sees a future for the two of us, and he knows he has to find a job, or at the very least, do a course to get him started. I helped him with his CV a couple of weeks ago, he applied for a couple of jobs, but to no avail. he didnt even get interviews. that makes him feel slightly hopeless, as he has it in his head already that he's not good enough..
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What was his last job and how/why did he leave it?

In your opinion what might he be good at doing? manual labour? retail? telesales? barman? security? apprenticeship?
 
He should talk to the Facilitator in the local Social Welfare Office, who might be able to point him in the right direction regarding course/self-esteem building, getting him job-ready.

The "black economy" job is actually holding him back a lot, I would think. He is not insured if anything happens to him on the job. He cannot speak frankly to FAS, Sw or Revenue when it comes to changing a job. He may not be buyilding up any entitlements to a pension as he is not paying PRSI.

This, IMHO, is why he is trapped where he is and bringing you into the hole with him.
 
Welfarite provides some wise advice above. While this man thinks he is benefitting by working on the black economy and claiming his payment, in reality, the part-time work just boosts his social welfare payment and allow him to keep the lifestyle he has.

Working part-time work shows he capable of working for a wage, but it's unlikely he's getting any new skills that could help him secure full-time employment and move off social welfare.

In addition, having been unemployed for 2 years, his confidence in applying for work has probably been affected, so thinking about changing his situation is probably too overwhelming.

I agree that he should have a word with the Jobs Facilitator in his local social welfare office. Their role is to encourage clients to return to employment. They can look at his skills and put him in touch with other training and education providers who can assist with upskilling, etc. He may also find that he can retain his social welfare payment/benefits while he is undergoing training.

It's all very well of course talking about supports, training, payments and social welfare if the bottom line is this person doesn't want to return to employment or take the first steps themselves. At 28 years of age, there really is no reason why this man should not be in work, unless of course, there are other underlying issues.

You mentioned he suffered from serious depression last year; it is possible that this may still be affecting him and if so, shouldn't be underestimated. Depression following bereavement is very common and there are a range of bereavement counselling services available nationally who may be able to help. (Or, his GP may be able to advise on a counselling service in his area). It might also be worth contacting AWARE who provide support services for those affected by depression in his area.

This is a horrible situation for you to be in but hopefully the advice you have received here on AAM will help achieve a happy outcome for both of you.
 
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I agree with west, a lot of negativity on this thread...

Sisters death must have been hard, and needs support to get over this, friends, you , maybe professional counselling ....
 
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