You're definitely not alone on this one!, confusion reigns!. What I will say is don't give it too much thought, once you love your OH and are in a stable and happy relationship then that's your foundation; age, money, childcare, jobs etc all of these work themselves out or you work around them! - Millions of people manage it so I reckon when the time is right I'll manage as well!
To have a baby or not to have a baby ?
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ellamac said:
Says more about the parents than the kids - monumental incompetence imo. Babies cry when there is something wrong - that's one of the ways they communicate .Profoundly worrying to hear that an unwanted baby is in such distress - do the child a favour and call social services if the parents can't cope .
MissRibena
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I'm really glad I posted to this thread. I think it's one of the most honest ever on such a personal subject.
I'm no closer to a resolution on my/our decision but it's nice to hear some "mature" opinions. People I know more superficially claim all kinds of miracles about having kids - it's like Cilit Bang to me; it might be great, but there must be some consequences somewhere. My closer friends, while steering clear of warning me off (presumably due to their love and loyalty to their children), don't exactly encourage me to dive right in. Yeah MrRibena reckons he'd be the bees-knees and the spiders-elbows if we had kids, and in fairness to him (I really don't mean to be disloyal at all; it's a general rather than specific-to-him worry), he really is better than your average guy at housework and minding the cats and handling kids of sisters/friends and other indicitive things. However, I would be completely stupid and naive not to relate all the real world situations that I have seen (like ellamc) to my own. In the end of the day, if we don't have children, I could still see a productive and fulfilled life for us in lots of ways.
To everyone who contributed to the thread so far; thank you (in a non-mushy/financial-website appropriate type of way)
Rebecca
I'm no closer to a resolution on my/our decision but it's nice to hear some "mature" opinions. People I know more superficially claim all kinds of miracles about having kids - it's like Cilit Bang to me; it might be great, but there must be some consequences somewhere. My closer friends, while steering clear of warning me off (presumably due to their love and loyalty to their children), don't exactly encourage me to dive right in. Yeah MrRibena reckons he'd be the bees-knees and the spiders-elbows if we had kids, and in fairness to him (I really don't mean to be disloyal at all; it's a general rather than specific-to-him worry), he really is better than your average guy at housework and minding the cats and handling kids of sisters/friends and other indicitive things. However, I would be completely stupid and naive not to relate all the real world situations that I have seen (like ellamc) to my own. In the end of the day, if we don't have children, I could still see a productive and fulfilled life for us in lots of ways.
To everyone who contributed to the thread so far; thank you (in a non-mushy/financial-website appropriate type of way)
Rebecca
Very interesting thread - Just a few specific points....
To say that IVF isn't guaranteed is an understatement. Success rates are around 25% and decrease significantly when the mother goes over 40.
One poster mentioned difficulties in relating to other people's kids. I've experienced an inexplicible transformation, insofar as I now seem to be magically endowed with the ability to hold conversation with many young kids (teenagers are a different story, of course) since I became a parent. Indeed at times, the kids give a little more information than I needed to know. One slightly chubby 5 year old told me at Christmas time that her Mammy wished that she (the 5 year old) would lose a bit of weight for Christmas.
I don't think it makes a huge amount of sense to base the decision on the experiences of others, though I do see value in a discussion like this. 400 people are killed on the road every year, but we don't all suddendly give up driving because other people are killed. Have an open and frank discussion with your partner. Understand there are no guarantees in terms of relationship or job.
To say that IVF isn't guaranteed is an understatement. Success rates are around 25% and decrease significantly when the mother goes over 40.
One poster mentioned difficulties in relating to other people's kids. I've experienced an inexplicible transformation, insofar as I now seem to be magically endowed with the ability to hold conversation with many young kids (teenagers are a different story, of course) since I became a parent. Indeed at times, the kids give a little more information than I needed to know. One slightly chubby 5 year old told me at Christmas time that her Mammy wished that she (the 5 year old) would lose a bit of weight for Christmas.
I don't think it makes a huge amount of sense to base the decision on the experiences of others, though I do see value in a discussion like this. 400 people are killed on the road every year, but we don't all suddendly give up driving because other people are killed. Have an open and frank discussion with your partner. Understand there are no guarantees in terms of relationship or job.
Ellamac - I really think the problems your 2 amigos are having are based on their relationship with their partners as opposed to the children - there is clearly a lack of communication in both relationships. If they feel their partner is not doing enough - tell him! INSIST that he pulls his weight. If I thought I could get away with doing nothing around the house - I would - gladly!
As I said in my previous post - Don't expect children to make a bad relationship better - they will most likely make a good relationship bad - but only if you let them - take responsibility for your life - if you're not happy - talk to your partner - nobody is a mind reader! - (only the psychics on 1550 no's! ;-)
As I said in my previous post - Don't expect children to make a bad relationship better - they will most likely make a good relationship bad - but only if you let them - take responsibility for your life - if you're not happy - talk to your partner - nobody is a mind reader! - (only the psychics on 1550 no's! ;-)
ClubMan said:
Thats right Clubman -20% chance per month for a healthy couple with no fertility issues.
Not to be all doom and gloom but its also worth remembering that female fertility starts to decline in the late 20's and declines rapidly after 35....not that age should be the only factor. Most doctors won't refer a couple on to a fertility specialist unless they have been trying for at least 12 months (if the woman is over 35 then its 6). There is currently a 4 to 6 month waiting list for an initial consultation.
I know we just assumed that we'd start trying and taa daa 9 months later we'd have a baby...but mother nature doesn't work like that
My sister in law is in this boat - she's now 37 and is only now thinking about IVF - she just assumed there wouldn't be a problem. It's so hard on her every month, she convinces herself that this is the month!. She gets really annoyed when she sees these young girls just having a kid at 16/17 without putting any thought into it!. It's especially hard when relatives come home from England etc and go on at her over lack of children.
Even though it was said earlier that it would be easier if the decision was made for you as to whether or not to have kids- in this case it appears that my sis in law has had a decision made for her and it's not the one she wanted.
Even though it was said earlier that it would be easier if the decision was made for you as to whether or not to have kids- in this case it appears that my sis in law has had a decision made for her and it's not the one she wanted.
ney001 said:
I think its disgraceful the way people do this, and relatives are one thing but work colleauges are terrible for asking these types of very personal questions. I had someone from work ask me this morning on skype(!) about the pitter patter of tiny casiopea feet. It is so unbelievably rude, but seems to be acceptable behaviour.
I dont ask them about their plans for offspring, or what theyve planned for their nether regions so why is it ok for them to ask me about my uterus? Its a serious topic (as reflected in this thread) and not something lightly to be discussed with a near stranger on skype.
Anyways, apologies, Im ranting.
My mother in law sees it as a sign of weakness not to have children, especially now that her darling daughter has a child (she had it as a plaster on a very bad relationship, he left her shortly after birth anyway). Now her daughter has moved home, doesn't cook, clean or do anything and goes out at least 3 nights a week, she gave up work altogether and sits at home moaning about how hard it is being a single parent!! And his mother acts like I have something wrong with me!
People need to be sensitive about these issues - if a couple choose not to have children they shouldn't have a stigma attached to them!
People need to be sensitive about these issues - if a couple choose not to have children they shouldn't have a stigma attached to them!
liteweight
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Every time I visited the in-laws, at some point in the day, father in law would let out a big sigh and say.."I think I'll die before I see grandchildren'. Used to find it very annoying. We had our first baby when I was 28 and that was 24 years ago. At the time all the nurses and doctors referred to me as 'the older mother' and all were warned to be careful with me because of my age having my first! How times have changed!
ClubMan said:
Similarly I get such stupid comments made to me. About "Oh isnt it well for you never to have to have children" And about how the social life will never be disrupted. Just because I am a gay man and its highly unlikely I will have them - it doesn't mean I dont want them. I have the same intincts as every other person, male, female, gay, straight, other... And have told people off in the past for making such assumptions
I like kids - get on great with my nephews and nieces and they with me. Society I dont think has grown up enough to fully embrace the alternative family. Getting better but still a long way off!
autumnleaf
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How’s this for tactlessness: There’s a woman whose brother died of cystic fibrosis, a genetic disease. At family gatherings, their relatives are always asking her and her husband “so when are ye two planning on having kids?” I wouldn’t be surprised someone asked it at her brother’s funeral!
On another note: has anyone wanted children but were unable to have them because of infertility or being unlucky in love or some other reason? I don’t mean relatives’ comments but just general plans for the future. If your plans included babies but then no babies happen, what did you decide to do with this “change of plan”?
On another note: has anyone wanted children but were unable to have them because of infertility or being unlucky in love or some other reason? I don’t mean relatives’ comments but just general plans for the future. If your plans included babies but then no babies happen, what did you decide to do with this “change of plan”?
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