To have a baby or not to have a baby ?
- Thread starter ZEGAR
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Zeger - Same boat and the only advice i heard was from my sister who was totally career oriented before her little darling arrived, after putting children off till she was 39 my sister now reckons your priorities change, in her opinion you take stock of your life and work in a different way and although she still works she reckons she works "smarter". I am putting it off till i am a bit more financially secure, but i never will be to the level i want - mortgage free and loads in the bank with a better job so i just go with the flow if it happens we have 9 months to deal with it.
I don't want to leave it till after, say 35/6 ,as i know IVF is the most difficult (not to mention unromantic) method of concieving and not guaranteed.
I don't want to leave it till after, say 35/6 ,as i know IVF is the most difficult (not to mention unromantic) method of concieving and not guaranteed.
One factor that is strongly motivating me is my own parents.
They are approaching their 60's and I know they would love granchildren and I think it is important that they are capable of enjoying them.
Now I would not have kids just for my parents but if I had decided to have them anyway my parents would be a big factor in the timing of it.
Should I even be considering them or am I mad ?
As you can see there are around a million and 1 things flying around in my head..But its good to get different views on all these things.
They are approaching their 60's and I know they would love granchildren and I think it is important that they are capable of enjoying them.
Now I would not have kids just for my parents but if I had decided to have them anyway my parents would be a big factor in the timing of it.
Should I even be considering them or am I mad ?
As you can see there are around a million and 1 things flying around in my head..But its good to get different views on all these things.
yes - i agree also that the grandparents is a factor (only a small one). It's nice for your children to know your parents and i know my parents dote on my nieces and nephews. Not everyone would agree that it should factor into your "big decision",
Friends i work with reckon i should have them ASAP as i am 28 - as they think can get your life back when you are 50ish (assuming de kids have shuffled on at 20!).
Friends i work with reckon i should have them ASAP as i am 28 - as they think can get your life back when you are 50ish (assuming de kids have shuffled on at 20!).
I have to say - this has been an amusing thread, as it's normally a subject that is frowned upon and mainly by women in my experience.
I was part of the 3 amigos - best of friends all our lives. One of us wanted children, the other and myself did not. Now we're talking from 10 years of age! But we retained this train of thought all through of life experiences. Then we all got married. Two now have children but I don't and really don't feel the need to.
My friend who always wanted children got her wish, got married, beautiful house, part-time job and beautiful baby - except she might as well be a single mother. The 'perfect' husband she thought she had, disappeared. It breaks my heart to see her trying to put on a brave face and gush at how wonderful and supportive he is, when after a few drinks the truth comes out and although she has a beautiful child - she feels her marraige has suffered and she looks at her husband in a completely different light now.
My other friend, never wanted children but then got married. As lives reach another unexpected level.... she had an 'accident'. It turned out to be the best accident that ever happened to her, as she grew as a person and her whole life had purpose - apart from her husband. I won't even go into this again!! Anyhow, she decided to have number two as number one was such a success and she was promised that things would be different and that they would be partners in every way, ya de ya de ya - so number two came along recently and life became hell! The number one child who is my godchild and who I adored, has now become a spoilt brat - sorry but there really is no easy way to say it, completely 100% spoilt. New baby never sleeps and never stops crying and my friend did not bond with this baby. Plus husband still has his life uninterupted! Manages to go out every Fri, Sat & Sunday! The new baby is now 3 months old and my friend honestly said that if she could turn back the clock she would - this is not what she wanted from life and wishes she never had second baby.
So here I am, I'm 34 years old, I'm married two years and having a ball. I have two godchildren - one with my friend and one with my sister (my sister even said never again!) and I can honestly say - I will NEVER have children after experiencing what they & others have gone through. Why would I when I have the best of both worlds, I have all the good bits and the parents have all the really awful bits! The rose-tinted glasses smashed to the floor and I would have to say that all their relationships have suffered enormously. It's very frustrating, that because you're married, at a certain age etc, that automatically people ask you a very personal question - when will we hear the pitter patter mularkey. I love seeing their reactions (mainly women) when I say never in a million years thank you very much. Thank you Zegar and Ms. Ribena for raising this issue - it's nice to hear honesty on this subject from time to time!
I was part of the 3 amigos - best of friends all our lives. One of us wanted children, the other and myself did not. Now we're talking from 10 years of age! But we retained this train of thought all through of life experiences. Then we all got married. Two now have children but I don't and really don't feel the need to.
My friend who always wanted children got her wish, got married, beautiful house, part-time job and beautiful baby - except she might as well be a single mother. The 'perfect' husband she thought she had, disappeared. It breaks my heart to see her trying to put on a brave face and gush at how wonderful and supportive he is, when after a few drinks the truth comes out and although she has a beautiful child - she feels her marraige has suffered and she looks at her husband in a completely different light now.
My other friend, never wanted children but then got married. As lives reach another unexpected level.... she had an 'accident'. It turned out to be the best accident that ever happened to her, as she grew as a person and her whole life had purpose - apart from her husband. I won't even go into this again!! Anyhow, she decided to have number two as number one was such a success and she was promised that things would be different and that they would be partners in every way, ya de ya de ya - so number two came along recently and life became hell! The number one child who is my godchild and who I adored, has now become a spoilt brat - sorry but there really is no easy way to say it, completely 100% spoilt. New baby never sleeps and never stops crying and my friend did not bond with this baby. Plus husband still has his life uninterupted! Manages to go out every Fri, Sat & Sunday! The new baby is now 3 months old and my friend honestly said that if she could turn back the clock she would - this is not what she wanted from life and wishes she never had second baby.
So here I am, I'm 34 years old, I'm married two years and having a ball. I have two godchildren - one with my friend and one with my sister (my sister even said never again!) and I can honestly say - I will NEVER have children after experiencing what they & others have gone through. Why would I when I have the best of both worlds, I have all the good bits and the parents have all the really awful bits! The rose-tinted glasses smashed to the floor and I would have to say that all their relationships have suffered enormously. It's very frustrating, that because you're married, at a certain age etc, that automatically people ask you a very personal question - when will we hear the pitter patter mularkey. I love seeing their reactions (mainly women) when I say never in a million years thank you very much. Thank you Zegar and Ms. Ribena for raising this issue - it's nice to hear honesty on this subject from time to time!
At least there are more options for the detection and management of certain risks in such situations these days. For example my wife was 40 when she had our first recently and, due to her age, had the triple test to screen for certain potential problems with the option available to go for amniocentesis if necessary (it wasn't). As it happens she had a very smooth pregnancy overall. She was a smoker up to a few years ago and rekons that giving them up had a positive impact on fertility. For what it's worth we don't consider having our first around our 40s to be any major issue but obviously other people have their own view.RainyDay said:
In relation to some of the other comments about wanting/not wanting children I have to say that I varied from decisively not wanting them to not being that pushed. I had a lot of experience minding kids in the extended family from when I was younger to ensure that I had no romantic or idealised concept of what was involved. To be honest I was generally of the opinion that I did not want the responsibility. However my wife was different and while it was not a dominant issue in our relationship (of c. 16 years now including 5 of marriage) it was something that we were both aware of and on which point we both understood our respective views. In the end there was no explicit decision/declaration but we both knew what we were doing when she (eventually - as mentioned previously it's not always straightforward!) became pregnant. Once this became a reality rather than just an abstract concept it was (and still is 10 months on from the birth) obviously a fairly daunting proposition but I/we just have to get on with it now and I certainly have no regrets about how things have turned out.
My OH is eight years older than me so this is a little bit awkward - he doesn't want to be too old to have then and I don't want to be too young to have them. A part of me thinks that it's alright for him, he was drinking and having a laugh through his entire twenties now he's mid 30's he feels like he wants a child whereas I'm still in my twenties wanting to enjoy life!.
Damn Zegar - wasn't really thinking about this till now!!!
Damn Zegar - wasn't really thinking about this till now!!!
Nay001..I am in the same boat..My OH is younger than me by about 4 years..I feel its not the right time for him but is for me...He is willing to try fatherhood as he knows there is an issue of time...I am not going to wait till he hits 30 to start a family as I will be 34 at that stage and that is too long for me to wait..I accept that he wont have as much of a hands on part as me (same as the house work) and I think he is quite happy as long as nothing get too much in the way of his Sunday morning golf...I wish I never brought this up either..Now I am all confused..Ellamac ,your feckin story did not help at all..Too much harsh reality...Oh god what a mess
Ney001 - I think that's a brillant idea! My hubbie wanted goldfish, so I told him if he did, they were to be his responsibility, cleaning, feeding etc. So two weeks ago he came home with his chest puffed out, feeling great and bought tank etc and four fish, eeny, meany, miney and mo (I know so original!) Well to date, mo & meany are alive!! I related looking after fish to looking after children and he said that's it, we're definitely not having any!!
You could always ask a friend with kids, how much roughly they spend per week on theirs. Then save this amount each week and in January when everybody is miserable you and the other half feck off to the Caribbean for 3 weeks, go scuba diving, drinking get a tan, come back and see if you would prefer the kids instead.
I used the fish one myself a year ago - turns out he got completely feckin hooked (ha ha) and I now have a giant 150 litre tank in my sitting room which we have to figure out how to move this week!. I find the cats good because they wake us up every morning about 6 for food!
I used the fish one myself a year ago - turns out he got completely feckin hooked (ha ha) and I now have a giant 150 litre tank in my sitting room which we have to figure out how to move this week!. I find the cats good because they wake us up every morning about 6 for food!
Club man - very good!
Zegar - get one of those dolls that the American kids get in school - it cries and wees etc, then on a Sunday morning when he is on the golf course ring him on the mobile while standing in your pyjamas and in foul mood from lack of sleep and tell him that you have had enough and he needs to come home and help with the baby. If he comes home within the hour - have a baby, if he sods off to pub and doesn't come home at all then I think you have your answer. You could also try putting play doh in the end of his golf bag and writing on it with magic markers - if he doesn't get mad you're okay!
Zegar - get one of those dolls that the American kids get in school - it cries and wees etc, then on a Sunday morning when he is on the golf course ring him on the mobile while standing in your pyjamas and in foul mood from lack of sleep and tell him that you have had enough and he needs to come home and help with the baby. If he comes home within the hour - have a baby, if he sods off to pub and doesn't come home at all then I think you have your answer. You could also try putting play doh in the end of his golf bag and writing on it with magic markers - if he doesn't get mad you're okay!
ZEGAR said:
I like the way you say he is willing to try fatherhood, its not exactly like you can bring the baby back for a refund if he doesnt like it. you probably should be discussing your feelings with your oh as opposed to everyone else as everyone differs when it comes to kids. I have a teenage son, who Iwouldnt be without and I never would have called myself a "kid "person
Ah Clubman - you're with it today!! Let's just say he's learnt his lesson!!
Why not try babysitting for a whole weekend - it really is wonderful. You can't wait to pick them up on Friday evening and don't want to drop them off at super speed on the Sunday (yeah right) then motherhood is calling!
Why not try babysitting for a whole weekend - it really is wonderful. You can't wait to pick them up on Friday evening and don't want to drop them off at super speed on the Sunday (yeah right) then motherhood is calling!
Zegar
Never mind age and job - conceiving in the first place might be a problem ha ha ha!!. It does sound like he's only considering this for your sake - do you know any kids you can borrow for a weekend, nephews, godchildren etc?. Try to get a good one, not one of the snotty nosed ones!!
Never mind age and job - conceiving in the first place might be a problem ha ha ha!!. It does sound like he's only considering this for your sake - do you know any kids you can borrow for a weekend, nephews, godchildren etc?. Try to get a good one, not one of the snotty nosed ones!!
ney001 said:
Failing that .. try spending a weekend where you set an alarm to wake you every hour during the night, then get up at 07:00 both mornings to watch kids TV. Offer to do a sibling's or friend's laundry that weekend too so you've extra housework lined up too.
About 09:30 head out somewhere to do something that you wouldn't normally choose to do, perhaps even something that you don't enjoy. Get back about 12:00 and hit the housework in a furious burst for about 2 hours, making sure to do so without making any noise.
Don't indulge yourself by sitting down to eat a meal in peace. Eat while on the move and try to drink a cup of tea of coffee one gulp every 2 minutes. Lie on the floor and and idly push around a small object, while resisting the urge to sleep. Later, go out again to do something else that you wouldn't normally choose to do, for a couple of hours.
About 8pm, start tidying up and try to catch up on your day, but that won't happen cos what you know as your day doesn't exist any more. Fall asleep in front of the TV, drag yourself off to bed and then do the same all over again for the 2nd 24 hours of your weekend. On Sunday night about 23:00, have a major panic cos you've nothing clean or ironed for the morning, fo you or for anyone else.
This exaggerates the downside. You wouldn't have the compensation of the little person's company, smile or touch but there are days where you feel you're an indentured slave.
Over 6 years later, I still mourn my childless (and somethimes even my single) days when the whole weekend stretched out in front of me like an unexplored land, but not so much as I used to. To see him swim for the first time without armbands, her cycle for the first time without stabilisers .. the good days outnumber the not so good.
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