To have a baby or not to have a baby ?

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There is a saying "Children are like f*rts, you can barely tolerate your own"
I have to say I hate baby bores. I have 2 of my own and it even bores me when my mother gushes about them. "Look they're smiling" - God!
To answer the OP's question : be in a stable, happy relationship, live in suitable accomodation, be able to afford it and know that you want children. I knew from my late teens that I wanted kids but it took me until I was 32 before the other factors were in place.
About children not increasing your happiness I wonder about that. I laugh alot every single day.
 
Age is indeed an issue. As a result of fertility issues with both partners, I'm 5 years older as a parent than I had planned. It's a bit of a bummer knowing that I'll be over 60 at my daughter's 21st birthday party.

So don't assume that when you finally stop all those frantic steps to avoid conception that the little one will arrive to your schedule.
 
I realise that my attitude/reaction can seem very ungrateful/presumptuous to people who dearly want to have children and have difficulty in conceiving. I know that this might all be ahead of me too. And I'm fairly sure that if I discovered somehow that I would have trouble, then I'd probably be hell-bent on having a baby.

But all that aside; I think of the reasons for having children; that I would be able to give a child a good home, be a loving and caring parent and even if I couldn't afford an expensive education, the child would be surrounded by open minds and books and every opportunity to learn. So why have my own kids then? Why not try and help foster kids (I know this is not simply a matter of clicking my fingers and ordering a foster child btw)? My partner is from a country with lots of "abandoned" children - would it not be much better to adopt one or foster them? We could keep them in touch with their own culture and give them a good start.

It's as hard for me to make a decision about all those options as it is to decide I want a child of my own. If my partner was desperate for children it might make a big difference, because I could probably be persuaded but we both agree in our confusion.

And I have to be honest on a more minor but probably more concrete issue. I don't want to start a riot and I am not trying to speak for every couple in the world. However, in the majority (and I don't use that lightly) of couples of I know of all kinds of ages and with all kinds of backgrounds, the woman ends up with the lion's share of the work and worry that comes with children. And I just don't think it's fair and it's not what I want for me. It was not what any of these women wanted either and they didn't find out until after they had their children and I would love to think that we are different (he certainly gives no signs of not pulling his weight now) but I have no way to know for sure. The joy/pride/wonder of having the children seems to have eradicated some (but not all) of the sense of injustice my female friends and acquaintances have though.

Rebecca
 
Betsy Og said:
Theres a saying that "People have children for selfish reasons." Now that is probably true but I dont like the negativity attached to it.
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Of course it's true and it's perfectly natural. Most fundamentally, when all the social and other conventions surrounding it are stripped away, we do it to make sure that our genes survive.
RainyDay said:
It's a bit of a bummer knowing that I'll be over 60 at my daughter's 21st birthday party.
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Why is that a bummer? :confused:
 
To the women on this website, only have children if you are prepared to look after them yourself. I dont say this to be mean to men, but they will be out at work while you will be at home looking after the little angels.You will have most of the responsibility and day to day care for years to come. Nowadays women have choices. It is harder now for women to decide whether or not to have children because many are in good jobs and will lose this independence.But you can't have it every way.
 
Swallows said:
To the women on this website, only have children if you are prepared to look after them yourself. I dont say this to be mean to men, but they will be out at work while you will be at home looking after the little angels.
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Not necessarily. It may still be the norm but there are exceptions to this rule such as stay at home fathers and both parents working full or overlapping part time.
 
Have you discussed the fact that you're worried about being left with the lionshare of the work/worry etc. with your partner? Maybe he can set your mind at rest. I've met women like those discussed above but it was never like that in my case. Whether I was in employment or staying at home, my husband always did his share with our 2 daughters. He wanted to develop a close relationship with his children; didn't see the point in having them otherwise. Granted, he has always said that I did the lionshare when it came to emotional welfare as he found himself 'all at sea' with some of the problems experienced by young girls. The result is that at 24 and 21 our girls can talk and have a laugh with either of us. They're not embarassed to discuss anything in front of their Dad although sometimes he wishes they wouldn't!! It really depends on your relationship whether you end up being like a single mum. If you trust your partner not to let that happen then you'll be ok.

I think you're in a good position when it comes to making your decision. At least you're giving it thought which can't be a bad thing.
 
Well then this is the ideal arrangement, but I must say I have been around for a long time and it usually works the other way. People will do anything to opt out of the responsibility ( men and women ) once the going gets tough, which it usually does.The children get caught in the middle and that's when the trouble starts. I know of a couple who were together for fifteen years, as soon as the children came along trouble started because one accused the other of not pulling their weight as they promised. They are now separated with the children moving between houses.Some people want to carry on their lifestyle that they had before the children came along and are not prepared to make changes.
 
:) a lot of us have been where MissRibena is. my terrible two, both 'half-planned' arrived when we were sort of settled into married life. sometimes you muddle through, sometimes you can do the steering, it just sort of comes as you go along. now that they are both young adults, you start putting a 'different' life together again, in simple things, like booking meals for two again, booking hotel rooms that suit you, and not having to go on package holidays in peak season. minor in the great scheme of things I appreciate, but I cant say for definite how we would have worked out over the years without those two kids. Really cant say. would we still be together? would other problems have come between us? would things that dont actually count in the longer term have taken on too much importance? who knows. would we swop? No. (even if we plan to spend the kids inheritance:D without them finding out) CAR::) brilliant!
 
Hi Swallow,

Those people shouldn't have children and perhaps if they'd put as much thought into it as the OP they wouldn't have. Of course everyone has days when they want to opt out. If you're fortunate enough to have a relationship where you can voice this, then its ok, the other person just takes over for a while. Personally, I used to get to the stage where I was in danger of cutting up your meat for you at dinner. When I felt like that, I used to go out and take temp work for a couple of months. It kept the grey cells active and allowed me to socialise outside of the home or with other mothers. I was never the type who liked to talk babies. I figured if I was out for the night, then I was out with adults for adult conversation and a break.
 
This is not a perfect world and there are no guarantees. Not all men are chauvinist monsters. Some love their children very much and are excellent daddies. Some mothers are horrible. Some marriages break up and some don't. Some children are more troublesome than others. C'est la vie. You have to roll with the punches in this life, whether you have childen or not. Personally I'm glad I did. I could tell you its wonderfully life-enhancing or I could tell you its very hard work. Both are true. You choose.
 
car said:
it just changes your goals and life fulfilment needs.
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In other words makes you put things in their proper perspective and not putting yourself first, which in itself is not a bad thing.

Come the teenage years can't live with them but can't live without them :D

IMHO they're a 24 hour, 365 day job but worth every minute of it (but don't tell my two I said that :) ).
 
To be honest, it can get a bit annoying (say in work) when people come out with stuff like "you two have been going out for x years, why don't ye get married and have kids". I wonder are they looking for some type of vallidation for their own lifestyle choices. Some day I'm going to lose it with someone...
 
I guess a big concern for me is my job, I'm the manager in a small company which has only one other woman working - I guess I'd feel like I was letting the side down - and even when you do come back I don't think you are treated in the same way. Anway, I always said that I wouldn't have kids for my 30th Birthday and I intend to stick to this come hell or high water - I brought the OH away on the holiday of a lifetime for his 30th so I want to do the same! After that I'll be prepared to settle for package holidays with the kids or even worse camping!
 
ClubMan said:
Why is that a bummer? :confused:
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The 21st issue was symbolic of the broader issues that arise with older parents. First of all, our age, fertility issues and the risks associated with pregnancy in older mums make it less likely that we will have another child, which is not the ideal situation imho. I also believe that the age gap is significant in terms of the relationship you will have with your children. I will be less physically able to cope with the bending, the lifting, the rolling round on grass etc than I was 5 years ago. My chances of attending my daughter's wedding aren't great, and my chances of seeing grandchildren old enough that they will actually remember me are pretty poor.

There are advantages to being an older parent. We've got the financial squeezes of house/wedding well out of the way. I don't feel the need to 'prove' myself in work by being present for 12 hour days on a regular basis.

But all in all, with the benefit of hindsight, I'd do things differently if I had another chance.
 
My parents had a child later in life - there was a 16 year gap between me and the youngest and although I believe my sister has kept them 'young' - they definitely don't have the energy they had when we were kids. When my sister is 21 dad will be about 62. The problem is that my sister hasn't had the same experiences of dad as we did. He used to bring us off camping all the time etc (probably because we didn't have money do go on fancy holidays) and biking and lots of active things. Nowadays he wouldn't be able for camping with my sister. On the plus side I know that they make much better parents then some of the the younger parents I see at my sister's school, many of these had kids when they were kids themselves and from the way they speak to their children they seem to resent them - they have no patience and just shout at the kids all the time.
 
hhhmmmm I am still none the wiser !!!!
I am is what I consider a stable relationship.

I own my house mortgage free .The only factor making me really consider this is my job..I am not ambitious but feel I should retain my job as it is a good job with decent pay..The only problem Is I travel a long distance to work and have an early start..
Should I base my decision on child care.. ??? If there was a child minder available now there is no guarantee they would be available next year....
This would be so much easier if I just found out I was pregnant and not have to plan it !!! Ironic really when you think of all the years I spend praying I would not get pregnant..Such is life.
 
I don't think that there are many people out there who regret ever having had children, I do think that there are people out there who regret the fact that they didn't have children. Don't worry about this too much, things have a way of sorting themselves out - you will have nine months to sort out child care and get things straight in your head. Rome wasn't built in a day so go easy on yourself!
 
I think your rihgt ney001..I am just going to go with the flow and see what happens..That has worked for me so far....
 
Just to prove Rainyday that 60 isn't old ....my father is fitter now at almost 62 than he was at 52! He walked his first marathon in his late fifties and ran his first marathon at almost 60 and has run in Dublin,New york,boston to name a few. There is hope!
 
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