Wife refusing mediation for separation and divorce

[Purple]

I'm amused that I've apparently acquired a husband (go marriage equality! ) and children and/ or step children.

Okay, that explains why you hold the views you have.

 

[DannyBoyD]

the views you have.

Indeed. My mythical husband & children are clearly responsible for it all!

 

[Purple]

My mythical husband & children are clearly responsible for it all!

I think the absence of said said husband/partner and children are clearly responsible for it all.

If you don't have children then you simply don't understand the issues. It is like describing music to a person who has been deaf from birth.

 

[Bronte]

So while Irish courts technically award joint custody as the default, the reality for the vast majority of fathers is that they become visitors in their children’s lives.

Not much has changed. In a number of cases I’m aware of today fathers are continuing to pay the mortgage, while living in house shares or bedsits and getting access to their children every second weekend and one night a week.

20 year old has 2 years left. Works part time. Youngest being 16 is the wife’s biggest lever. We do have enough equity to buy two three or four beds with cash.
I think she’s hoping in the 7 years she has to stay in the home I’ll get hit by a bus.

A few things

- it sounds pretty toxic
- kids do notice things, you'll have to try and be the bigger person about not making it toxic for them
- have you got a very good solicitor, you can go soft easy solicitor or rotweiller the latter is my recommendation based on what I've heard happened in my siblings case
- you should keep two diaries, one a spending one, one on every day and what's happening, in case you're accused of something
- that's excellent there is money for everyone to come out of this intact, housed and with proper joint custody
- it's pretty hard for a working women to suggest she cannot work full time when a 'child' is 16
- it's likely to be a couple of years before this is sorted, especially if your wife plays the system, so child will be 18 and finished school
- be prepared to be fair in what you expect as regards financials, nobody can get everything
- don't hide anything, it will go against you
- demonstrate what a good father and provider you are
- don't retaliate, such as withholding money for groceries or utilities, but you can demonstrate stupid spending if that's happening

I'm not sure living together is a good idea, sounds like a recipe for disaster and one day one of you will blow, whatever you do, you must not react, leave the situation and document it. If you do leave, take your passport, your photos, bank details, your personal items that you treasure, your work tools. You will not get them later if you don't. Lastly make sure your 16 year old has an up to date passport and get a passport card in addition.

 

[Cruzer123]

have you got a very good solicitor, you can go soft easy solicitor or rotweiller the latter is my recommendation based on what I've heard happened in my siblings case
- you should keep two diaries, one a spending one,

Thanks Bronte, a lot of what I’ve written here regarding access won’t apply to me. I have however heard some awful stories from men in Irish divorce support groups (both sexes) around access, safety orders and barring orders. It’s been a bit of a hobby horse of mine since.

In my case I have a “good” female solicitor, she specialises in family law and has a strong reputation. Whether her reputation is built on achieving a good outcome for those she represents is an unknown and yet to be seen.

It’s early days and tbh the thoughts of having a Rottweiler has crossed my mind especially given the false claims of “living in fear”.

Could you elaborate a little more on your brothers situation and how that played out?

 

[Bronte]

how that played out?

Long, stressful, nearly suicidal, years, many many court dates, lies, hiding money (inheritance), spending money, damaging items, not getting items, incompetent solicitors, barristers only reading the brief the day of court, many changes of solicitor, solicitors coming off record, the country registrar going mental. countless adjournments, nonsense, and I mean nonsense queries into the affidavit of means, complete mess over revenue on income tax in the middle of it over joint assessment (revenue screwed it up) .

Ended up both housed and in my view it was a fair settlement, in fact anyone could have written it without paying thousands for the legals.

Go thru your bank statements line by line so you can account for everything. The legals consider that 'he won' because they didn't think the judge would give what was given. But he had everything, and I mean everything, documented. Nobody won really, wouldn't wish an Irish divorce court on anyone, male or female. The kids are fine, that's the main thing and they are not aware of any of the above.

Sorry I cannot give you more details as despite the in camera it's a private matter. BTW some courts were online and you could listen in to other in camera cases.

I will send you one piece of advice by PM about the 'living in fear' in relation to legal advice given. The advice was not taken, thank goodness.

 

[galway]

In my case I have a “good” female solicitor, she specialises in family law and has a strong reputation. Whether her reputation is built on achieving a good outcome for those she represents is an unknown and yet to be seen.

I have a feeling what is considered a good solicitor can be all things to different clinents
if you are happy to agree to what your partner is expecting even if it is over the top their is a good chance this is how it will finish up,
on the other hand if you do your research yourself and come up with what is fair their is also a good chance this is how it will finish up,
The same Solicitors can have good and bad outcomes mostly down to how well informed their client is,

 

[Bronte]

mostly down to how well informed their client is

This Cruzer is crucial. I'd also say you need a listening ear, siblings or parents, someone who can listen with you every step and backstep along the way. Don't underestimate the emotional toll. Maybe you'll be lucky and you both will 'settle' early. But some people do not wish to listen to their solicitor on what is a realistic outcome. Some want their day in court. Court is way harder than people imagine.

 

[Cruzer123]

Some want their day in court.

And that it seems has been the situation from the beginning.

I have been told that if a solicitor gets a sense their client is up against a stronger spouse they push for court rather than mediation.

Suits them financially also I am sure.

 

[Bronte]

I think it's the client's not being realistic is the issue. My parents avoided all of this by both agreeing to terms and signing a judicial separation instead. Nothing would persuade me court was the solution when it can be worked out by sitting down. Clearly not the case here and clearly not always the case.