Wife refusing mediation for separation and divorce

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Cruzer123

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For some unknown reason the “soon to be ex wife” is refusing mediation. Just wants to litigate. I wouldn’t mind but she hasn’t got €30k for her side of the legal fees.

She called the end of the marriage because she “was sick of me”, refused counselling too. 3 kids, 16 to 20. Middle one working.

I have paid all the bills throughout the marriage including putting her on the deeds of 2 houses I owned.

I’m still paying for absolutely everything despite her ending the marriage over a year ago. She refuses point blank to engage in discussions about jointly sharing household expenses.

She works part time and has reduced her income significantly in the last year. Without question she could earn €85k if she was prepared to work full time at her current employer. There’s an option to move to full time and always is. I earn €165K. I’m in the latter stage of my 50’s my job is looking a little shaky.

She’s also declared via her solicitor “She’s living in fear” despite having no grounds for this whatsoever.

Because of this “living in fear” narrative she’s adopted I have been advised by a senior Garda not to speak to her (unless absolutely necessary) and haven’t spoken to her in 6 months.

Still cohabitating btw, separate bedrooms.

I’m eager just to split everything 50.50 pay my share of child maintenance and move on with my life.

She wants to stay in the home, is looking for 70% of the equity which is €700k, spousal maintenance and child support.

She also expects 50% of my €850k pension pot. Because her pension contributions were mainly made before we married (DC) she maintains this is not to be included in the family assets.

Is there anything that can be done to get her to meditate, will the courts look poorly on her refusal to engage?

I’m really just trying my best to avoid the inevitable €60k in legal fees.
 
Cruzer123 said:
Is there anything that can be done to get her to meditate
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She can't be forced to engage in mediation so if nobody can convince her that it might be a pragmatic (and more cost effective/efficient) way to deal with things then there's nothing that you can do.

Family mediation for separating couples

Family mediation can help separating couples co-operate with each other to work out mutually acceptable arrangements. Find out more about the mediation process, how it works and how to access it.
www.citizensinformation.ie www.citizensinformation.ie

How does mediation work?​

For mediation to work, both parties must confirm their willingness to attend.
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Cruzer123 said:
will the courts look poorly on her refusal to engage?
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Almost certainly not. That's not how the family courts work in my experience. They don't generally deal in apportioning "blame" unless in very extreme cases.
Cruzer123 said:
Because her pension contributions were mainly made before we married (DC) she maintains this is not to be included in the family assets.
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Again, not the way things work in my experience. All assets will be assessed (in particular via each party's affidavits of means and welfare) as part of the judicial separation or divorce proceedings. I've been through both.
 
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With €850k in a pension and presumably a house commensurate with that, there appear to be substantial assets to be dealt with, €60k in legal fees to end a long term marriage is not disproportionate.
 
Cruzer123 said:
She’s also declared via her solicitor “She’s living in fear” despite having no grounds for this whatsoever.

Because of this “living in fear” narrative she’s adopted I have been advised by a senior Garda not to speak to her (unless absolutely necessary) and haven’t spoken to her in 6 months.

Still cohabitating btw, separate bedrooms.
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This is very good advice by the Garda. You must absolutely not do anything whatsoever to give grounds as regards : living in fear. Do not be provoked. It's not ideal living together. But if you can manage it without rancour than well done both of you.

It doesn't matter what you think is fair, or what she thinks she's entitled to. All your assets will come into play. As will your incomes. In addition there are two dependent children (Leaving cert and college I presume). You are lucky the children are older.

You're incorrect to state your wife cannot afford a solicitor. And you need to take legal advice urgently, there is no way to avoid it based on your post. You also need to focus on future living arrangements and what that might entail post divorce. Ideally two homes for the children to be able to see both parents. This might involve the sale of the family home. Are all 3 children living at home? When is 20 year old finished.
 
20 year old has 2 years left. Works part time. Youngest being 16 is the wife’s biggest lever. We do have enough equity to buy two three or four beds with cash.
I think she’s hoping in the 7 years she has to stay in the home I’ll get hit by a bus.
 
Cruzer123 said:
Youngest being 16 is the wife’s biggest lever.
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There's no "lever" needed here. Your children are entitled to grow up in a secure environment, complete their education & get started on the road to the rest of their lives.
Cruzer123 said:
We do have enough equity to buy two three or four beds with cash.
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Thats good news, you are in a better position than many.
Cruzer123 said:
I think she’s hoping in the 7 years she has to stay in the home I’ll get hit by a bus.
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Time to change the narrative; the grief & emotional impact on the ending of a marriage is horrific.

Human instinct jumps to the settlement issues and then the emotional stuff gets buried & turns into anger.

Its well worth finding an experienced counsellor to talk to & get this negative stuff out of your head.
 
DannyBoyD said:
There's no "lever" needed here. Your children are entitled to grow up in a secure environment, complete their education & get started on the road to the rest of their lives.
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Since both parents are equally important to a child's welfare and development and since the resources are there for both parents to provide a home in which the children can live it is reasonable to expect that the existing family home is sold and two new family homes are purchased.
 
Bronte said:
You know that this is not actually true. It takes two and for every man saying this there is an equally disgruntled wife.
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When I was in court to finalise my divorce I was the only man in the room. The Judge, Registrar, and both sets of lawyers were women.

When my then wife told me that she had reported me to the Gardai for child abuse I went to my local station. The female Garda sergeant was very sympathetic and said that it was not unusual for women to make those sorts of accusations during marriage breakdowns but unfortunately there was nothing they could do about it.
When we did divorce the children lived with me but as the mother automatically gets the children's allowance she also got the higher tax allowance. I would have had to go back to court to change that, with the resulting cost and fallout on the children. That didn't seem fair.

It may be equal in theory but I didn't feel like the law was unbiased in its application.
 
Purple said:
When we did divorce the children lived with me but as the mother automatically gets the children's allowance she also got the higher tax allowance. I would have had to go back to court to change that
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I think I mentioned it before but I was in a similar position (father granted sole custody of our minor son) and didn't have to go to court to receive the child benefit payment and single parent child carer tax credit (I don't think that there were any other credits/allowances?). As far as I recall I just had to provide DSP/SW and Revenue with the judicial separation agreement (even though a clause in such agreements says that nobody else is supposed to see them - go figure).
 
ClubMan said:
I think I mentioned it before but I was in a similar position (father granted sole custody of our minor son) and didn't have to go to court to receive the child benefit payment and single parent child carer tax credit (I don't think that there were any other credits/allowances?). As far as I recall I just had to provide DSP/SW and Revenue with the judicial separation agreement (even though a clause in such agreements says that nobody else is supposed to see them - go figure).
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Unfortunately in my case, for a couple of reasons, that was not an option.
 
ClubMan said:
Ok, I think that you may have mentioned that before. Fair enough. Just shows that each case has its own nuances.
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100% correct,
Cruzer123 said:
20 year old has 2 years left. Works part time. Youngest being 16 is the wife’s biggest lever. We do have enough equity to buy two three or four beds with cash.
I think she’s hoping in the 7 years she has to stay in the home I’ll get hit by a bus.
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Both you and your wife appear to have got it into your head the settlement will leave one parent in existing house, The Children should come first, If you feel the best outcome for Children, is to sell the family home so both can share co parenting for your children the one thing you need to make sure your solicitor is on the same page as you,

If the separation agreement is to sell the family home in 7 years time the outcome for both of you my not be in both of yours long term interest,
 
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Cruzer123 said:
She’s also declared via her solicitor “She’s living in fear” despite having no grounds for this whatsoever.
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Unfortunately, this is advice some get. Somebody mentioned playbook above, I have seen this a few times with marriages that end in divorce, so am likely to agree it is a playbook used by some. It plays out like this... There is a good chance she will angle for a barring order at some stage. Don't be surprised and more importantly, don't fall into that trap by giving her any reason. My advice is to be uber "nice" as she no doubt will be looking for any reason to phone the guards on you and then get a barring order.
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freshstart26 said:
I dont understand why the wife tries to get 70% of thr family home whenever it is sold, on what grounds?
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Where there’s divorce it’s incredible what people think they’ll get. Don’t look for logic. Look for what’s best for the children and the couple. Courts will look at children first, and try to have everyone housed. As that’s in everybodies interest. To do this they will look at all assets. Couples need to be realistic.
 
Purple said:
When my then wife told me that she had reported me to the Gardai for child abuse I went to my local station. The female Garda sergeant was very sympathetic and said that it was not unusual for women to make those sorts of accusations during marriage breakdowns but unfortunately there was nothing they could do about it.
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Yes I would agree that it is a tactic used by women. It's happened in my family. But I was aware of it for many decades. And aware the family courts were more likely to award custody to mothers. Men like Bob Geldof are outliers in the past in fighting that and winning. Nowadays we live in a society that believes both parents should have custody. Which is a very good thing.

It would also be correct to state that many men manage to hide money. Each side can be up to all sorts. As regards child allowance, since you mentioned it, my brother had to fight social welfare to get the child allowance. He's tenacious and despite his ex writing to social welfare he did get the allowance. I think both parents were entitled to the single parent allowance but of that I'm unsure.
 
Bronte said:
Nowadays we live in a society that believes both parents should have custody. Which is a very good thing.
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I think Female Judges Have a better understanding of fairness,
Purple was on about he the only Male in courts , The outcome for a Males when we had mostly Male Judges was far from fair,
Joan Burton say no more,
 
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