Des Pondent
Registered User
- Messages
- 339
It doesn't have to be a minefield, you could just do it yourselves and not tell anyone you got married.
Secret wedding- would you be offended if not invited
- Thread starter newbiehelp
- Start date
It may appear that way - but just do it. You could then have a small celebration/thank you with each set of parents/immediate family.
I think this is the way, just do what suits you, it's your day, it's your choice and if somebodies nose is out of joint, well that's their problem
Personally speaking I don't go to weddings anymore, I think there a young persons event and at my age I find them tiresome and boring
So I'm not offended at all if I don't get an invite, in fact quite the opposite
You should line up visits to the families abroad for soon afterwards to share news in person, assuming they are close relations.
Between A and B definitely A. Present it as a fait accompli.
Eloping is an idea. Combine it with a holiday. Rome was suggested. Shane MacGowan eloped to Copenhagen.
www.rte.ie
Between A and B definitely A. Present it as a fait accompli.
Eloping is an idea. Combine it with a holiday. Rome was suggested. Shane MacGowan eloped to Copenhagen.
Shane MacGowan & Victoria Mary Clarke's wedding: All the details
Victoria Mary Clarke and Shane MacGowan invited Miriam O'Callaghan into their home in Dublin to discuss their recent wedding in Copenhagen.
Last edited:
Well that’s a different scenario. I had imagined a couple in their 20s with parents of an age that might look forward to an offspring’s wedding.
I think the parents are the only ones whose feelings you need to consider. From what you say, they’d probably be relieved not to have to go anywhere. But they might still appreciate being told in advance.
As for other people, I don’t think they’ve any skin in the game. I wouldn’t care how they’d react.
Better at least than telling them after the event.
Annieindublin
Registered User
- Messages
- 659
I have elderly folks like that to mind. A visit to the doctor is a weeks work! And if there’s 2 of them to be transported it takes a village.
I’d tell them in advance and tell them also that the other parents aren't going either. Call in to see them and tell them with a nice lunch. Share a bit of information so they feel involved.
I’d be annoyed if my son got married without me there. I would get over it. But initially I’d be very hurt. I’m not elderly or infirm.
I’d tell them in advance and tell them also that the other parents aren't going either. Call in to see them and tell them with a nice lunch. Share a bit of information so they feel involved.
I’d be annoyed if my son got married without me there. I would get over it. But initially I’d be very hurt. I’m not elderly or infirm.
I think you and your partner need to follow your own desire to have a quiet wedding with no fuss. The only way you will get no fuss is if you tel no one else and invite no one.
If you tell both sets of parents beforehand there may be a desire for gifts, cards, a celebratory meal etc, and they will tell the rest of your siblings so it will create waves.
Whereas afterwards they can’t do much except congratulate you. And you can always say you got married yesterday, or last week, or last year or 2015. No one needs to know.
I would be a bit sad if my child got married in secret but I would get over it in a few minutes. I would however be very hurt and upset if some relatives on either side had been in on the secret or even attended the wedding, while all the time I was in ignorance.
I had a girl who I worked with announce once that she had gotten married in secret 3 years previously. She made a big song and dance about it, showed us photos of the wedding etc. I just found it strange, her making a big fuss of it 3 years later. If she had mentioned in passing she was married a few years I would not have blinked an eye, and just carried on.
We had another good friend couple called to our door one day, guess what? Engaged? No married. We went to the pub and had a drink to celebrate with them. It wasn’t a big deal, they just did what suited them.
If you tell both sets of parents beforehand there may be a desire for gifts, cards, a celebratory meal etc, and they will tell the rest of your siblings so it will create waves.
Whereas afterwards they can’t do much except congratulate you. And you can always say you got married yesterday, or last week, or last year or 2015. No one needs to know.
I would be a bit sad if my child got married in secret but I would get over it in a few minutes. I would however be very hurt and upset if some relatives on either side had been in on the secret or even attended the wedding, while all the time I was in ignorance.
I had a girl who I worked with announce once that she had gotten married in secret 3 years previously. She made a big song and dance about it, showed us photos of the wedding etc. I just found it strange, her making a big fuss of it 3 years later. If she had mentioned in passing she was married a few years I would not have blinked an eye, and just carried on.
We had another good friend couple called to our door one day, guess what? Engaged? No married. We went to the pub and had a drink to celebrate with them. It wasn’t a big deal, they just did what suited them.
I have been to many large weddings, 1 humanist wedding and 1 small beach wedding which was my Sisters, and several more where I thought I would have been invited but wasn’t. I preferred the simple and smaller ones without a doubt and wished I had done the same.
I have told my kids that getting married is a personal life event and actively have recommended they go off alone and do it when the time is right.
They are still a way off any serious relationships, but I hope it sowed the seed of flexibility rather than the seed of expectation of a large white wedding.. Dropping 30k or whatever the average is nowadays is just complete lunacy, when that would set your future path. Buying a house and having kids was as bigger commitment for me and I didn’t have 100-200 people watching that.
That said, Mrs 50+O, says she would kill them if she wasn’t invited, so I have relented a little and said, ok so themselves, parents and siblings, holiday and a meal.
50+O
I have told my kids that getting married is a personal life event and actively have recommended they go off alone and do it when the time is right.
They are still a way off any serious relationships, but I hope it sowed the seed of flexibility rather than the seed of expectation of a large white wedding.. Dropping 30k or whatever the average is nowadays is just complete lunacy, when that would set your future path. Buying a house and having kids was as bigger commitment for me and I didn’t have 100-200 people watching that.
That said, Mrs 50+O, says she would kill them if she wasn’t invited, so I have relented a little and said, ok so themselves, parents and siblings, holiday and a meal.
50+O
So pick a location thats between both parents - invite them & say you totally understand if they are not able to attend the ceremony.
Have a dinner/event planned with each family following the marriage day that they will be able to join to celebrate with you. And make sure you have that in the invite as well. It doesn't have to be complicated.
This is a happy occasion; your parents will be delighted for you - why keep it a secret as though it was something horrible.
Get creative & you'll come up with a solution.
Above all, your parents won't be in this world for ever, treasure the time you have now.
Have a dinner/event planned with each family following the marriage day that they will be able to join to celebrate with you. And make sure you have that in the invite as well. It doesn't have to be complicated.
This is a happy occasion; your parents will be delighted for you - why keep it a secret as though it was something horrible.
Get creative & you'll come up with a solution.
Above all, your parents won't be in this world for ever, treasure the time you have now.
A strange construal.
No pressure, like.
Maybe it would be simpler to just go with the Adare Manor experience? https://evoke.ie/2025/05/26/life-style/viral-adare-manor-wedding
Interesting how, in my mind, creative thinking would be, local community hall / DJ / buffet; but its Adare Manor in yours.
I think when it comes to weddings you could turn yourself inside out and someone would still have something to say.
If I was at the stage your parents are at, I'd probably be relieved to know you were happily married. I'd like if I was (one of the) first to know and was told in person - anything else is a bonus. Younger me would probably be different!
If you're together a long time, people know you're not into the big day and wont be surprised anyway. Nobody bats an eye as there's so many ways to do things now.
If I was at the stage your parents are at, I'd probably be relieved to know you were happily married. I'd like if I was (one of the) first to know and was told in person - anything else is a bonus. Younger me would probably be different!
If you're together a long time, people know you're not into the big day and wont be surprised anyway. Nobody bats an eye as there's so many ways to do things now.
AndroidMan
Registered User
- Messages
- 412
Suggest its only "close family and friends" and invite none of them!
I am definitely not for big weddings and mine was rather small and would have been smaller if I had it fully my way.
However, as a parent, I would feel hurt not to be informed in advance, not so much as a sibling.
You might just explain your plan to them and organise some kind of small celebration for each set of parents. Sunday lunch, brunch whatever.
Having read through the thread, and then re-read your post, I think you are on the right track and would encourage you to go for it.
We got married almost a decade ago after being together for many years and considered all the options. Some similar circumstances; largish families with many nieces and nephews all of whom we are friendly with meaning the attendance would have been measured in busloads. Elderly parents with physical and other complications. Overseas family who would feel obliged to attend, irrespective of the affordability. We did consider the conventional options but an abhorrence of all the “napkins matching the colour of the flowers matching the bridesmaids dresses” nonsense, not to mention the string quartets on the lawn, champagne reception on arrival, speeches, staged photos, hollow legged grandaunts who had to be distracted from the sherry, cousins who don’t talk, “wedding day insurance”, “optional wedding gift lists”, “wet weather alternatives so the rain wouldn’t ruin our big day” sent us running. Not to mention things like being asked to a meal sampling in advance to help us choose our menu, like we don’t know how dried out beef and stewed salmon and broccoli taste. And that was before ever the idiotic chocolate fountains had arrived on the scene. None of that palaver represents who we are. And while we are not at all mean, the large five figure sums being bandied about seemed ostentatious if not vulgar, irrelevant and extremely unnecessary. No. No. No. No. No. We were old enough and wise enough not to get sucked in. Or maybe it’s cantankerous and parsimonious. Either way it wasn’t happening.
Also, trying to scale down a local wedding is a minefield of family politics and can give rise to decades of enmity. That option was quickly ruled out too.
In the end, we asked a sibling and his partner who live on the other side of the world (and who we both get on very well with) to be our witnesses. We planned a holiday around it and got married in the city where they live, and afterwards the four of us went for a meal. The celebrant took a few pictures of the us signing the register, the rings on our fingers etc and we shared these with family at home. There was absolutely no negative feedback whatsoever, in fact all of the feedback was that it was very much “us” and everybody thought it was spot on. I suspect they were secretly relieved anyway to avoid the expense and stress that goes with attending a wedding for many. Getting married somewhere different added an air of something special for us and made it very memorable, it was pretty much stress free and the extended holiday to foreign parts was a thoroughly enjoyable and relaxing bonus.
The only difference from what you mention was that we told everybody about our plans well in advance, and actively engaged with parents, siblings etc in discussing our plans. This gave them a sense of involvement and shared the “excitement”. We also (very politely and discreetly) made it clear that gifts were neither expected nor would they be welcomed.
I wish both of you all the best for the “big” day, whatever you decide.
Last edited:
Adult members members of a family, including parents, not being able to accept that other adult members of the family might unilaterally and privately make their own decisions on their own terms smacks of passive aggression, emotional blackmail, and perhaps even coercive control in my opinion.