Secret wedding- would you be offended if not invited

newbiehelp said:
What’s important to us now is the ‘marriage’ and making it legal…. We both want minimum fuss and stress without spending a fortune… which is why we wanted to do it with just ourselves….
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newbiehelp said:
Who knew it would be such a minefield
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It doesn't have to be a minefield, you could just do it yourselves and not tell anyone you got married.
 
newbiehelp said:
Happy to announce it afterwards but just want a fuss free, stress free ceremony / day that suits us as a couple.
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I think this is the way, just do what suits you, it's your day, it's your choice and if somebodies nose is out of joint, well that's their problem
Personally speaking I don't go to weddings anymore, I think there a young persons event and at my age I find them tiresome and boring
So I'm not offended at all if I don't get an invite, in fact quite the opposite
 
I think most people would be quietly relieved never to be invited to another wedding. It doesn't mean the odd one would not have a nose out of joint if so-and-so got an invite and not them.
 
What about just parents siblings and siblings partners? I know someone did this and wedding size was just around 20 adults. No kids. Nobody was offemded cos no unvles, aints, cousins, nieces, nephews , friends were there
 
You should line up visits to the families abroad for soon afterwards to share news in person, assuming they are close relations.

Between A and B definitely A. Present it as a fait accompli.

Eloping is an idea. Combine it with a holiday. Rome was suggested. Shane MacGowan eloped to Copenhagen.

www.rte.ie

Shane MacGowan & Victoria Mary Clarke's wedding: All the details

Victoria Mary Clarke and Shane MacGowan invited Miriam O'Callaghan into their home in Dublin to discuss their recent wedding in Copenhagen.
www.rte.ie www.rte.ie
 
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newbiehelp said:
Even a short trip out / hospital appointment etc for either parents usually involves a lot of forward planning and is usually stressful for all involved. We both feel an invite would cause a huge amount of stress for all parties ahead of the event and on the day itself ….

We are both mature adults, together longer than most marriages last. If the ‘wedding day’ was important to us, we would have had the day out year’s ago.

What’s important to us now is the ‘marriage’ and making it legal…. We both want minimum fuss and stress without spending a fortune… which is why we wanted to do it with just ourselves….
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Well that’s a different scenario. I had imagined a couple in their 20s with parents of an age that might look forward to an offspring’s wedding.

I think the parents are the only ones whose feelings you need to consider. From what you say, they’d probably be relieved not to have to go anywhere. But they might still appreciate being told in advance.

As for other people, I don’t think they’ve any skin in the game. I wouldn’t care how they’d react.
 
I have elderly folks like that to mind. A visit to the doctor is a weeks work! And if there’s 2 of them to be transported it takes a village.

I’d tell them in advance and tell them also that the other parents aren't going either. Call in to see them and tell them with a nice lunch. Share a bit of information so they feel involved.

I’d be annoyed if my son got married without me there. I would get over it. But initially I’d be very hurt. I’m not elderly or infirm.
 
I think you and your partner need to follow your own desire to have a quiet wedding with no fuss. The only way you will get no fuss is if you tel no one else and invite no one.

If you tell both sets of parents beforehand there may be a desire for gifts, cards, a celebratory meal etc, and they will tell the rest of your siblings so it will create waves.

Whereas afterwards they can’t do much except congratulate you. And you can always say you got married yesterday, or last week, or last year or 2015. No one needs to know.

I would be a bit sad if my child got married in secret but I would get over it in a few minutes. I would however be very hurt and upset if some relatives on either side had been in on the secret or even attended the wedding, while all the time I was in ignorance.

I had a girl who I worked with announce once that she had gotten married in secret 3 years previously. She made a big song and dance about it, showed us photos of the wedding etc. I just found it strange, her making a big fuss of it 3 years later. If she had mentioned in passing she was married a few years I would not have blinked an eye, and just carried on.

We had another good friend couple called to our door one day, guess what? Engaged? No married. We went to the pub and had a drink to celebrate with them. It wasn’t a big deal, they just did what suited them.
 
I have been to many large weddings, 1 humanist wedding and 1 small beach wedding which was my Sisters, and several more where I thought I would have been invited but wasn’t. I preferred the simple and smaller ones without a doubt and wished I had done the same.

I have told my kids that getting married is a personal life event and actively have recommended they go off alone and do it when the time is right.

They are still a way off any serious relationships, but I hope it sowed the seed of flexibility rather than the seed of expectation of a large white wedding.. Dropping 30k or whatever the average is nowadays is just complete lunacy, when that would set your future path. Buying a house and having kids was as bigger commitment for me and I didn’t have 100-200 people watching that.

That said, Mrs 50+O, says she would kill them if she wasn’t invited, so I have relented a little and said, ok so themselves, parents and siblings, holiday and a meal.


50+O
 
So pick a location thats between both parents - invite them & say you totally understand if they are not able to attend the ceremony.

Have a dinner/event planned with each family following the marriage day that they will be able to join to celebrate with you. And make sure you have that in the invite as well. It doesn't have to be complicated.

This is a happy occasion; your parents will be delighted for you - why keep it a secret as though it was something horrible.

Get creative & you'll come up with a solution.

Above all, your parents won't be in this world for ever, treasure the time you have now.
 
DannyBoyD said:
why keep it a secret as though it was something horrible.
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A strange construal.

DannyBoyD said:
So pick a location thats between both parents - invite them & say you totally understand if they are not able to attend the ceremony.
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No pressure, like.

DannyBoyD said:
Have a dinner/event planned with each family following the marriage day that they will be able to join to celebrate with you. And make sure you have that in the invite as well. It doesn't have to be complicated.
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Maybe it would be simpler to just go with the Adare Manor experience? https://evoke.ie/2025/05/26/life-style/viral-adare-manor-wedding
 
I think when it comes to weddings you could turn yourself inside out and someone would still have something to say.

If I was at the stage your parents are at, I'd probably be relieved to know you were happily married. I'd like if I was (one of the) first to know and was told in person - anything else is a bonus. Younger me would probably be different!

If you're together a long time, people know you're not into the big day and wont be surprised anyway. Nobody bats an eye as there's so many ways to do things now.
 
50andOut said:
didn’t have 100-200 people watching that.
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I am definitely not for big weddings and mine was rather small and would have been smaller if I had it fully my way.
However, as a parent, I would feel hurt not to be informed in advance, not so much as a sibling.
You might just explain your plan to them and organise some kind of small celebration for each set of parents. Sunday lunch, brunch whatever.
 
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