Hi
@Finance1. I'm in a similar situation to yourself and
@Shinynails. I just read though your post today and I'm wondering how things are going for you both now? I can't go into details now because I know I will breakdown and my younger son has just arrived home from school and the mask needs to be put on of no worries going on. I cried while reading your experiences and have a lot of respect for the pair of you on what you have accomplished and continue to do so in such circumstances.
Hi there
@Twiggy24
I didn’t realise I wasn’t logged in but I check out AAM about every couple of weeks.
I can tell you that I am doing great, the kids are good and our marriage is good.
Not an easy road though and even at Christmas we were still living with a lot of tension and stress. A lot of ups and downs.
What has helped;
- we both went to therapy (never did couples as could not afford it!) but we sourced low cost therapies seperatly
- Having one good buddy that I could dump my random stress filled thoughts to. (This is harder than it sounds as most people either don’t want to know and are uncomfortable or try to fix it or minimise and all you want is someone to vent to)
- Humour; black humour
- having a common interest outside of the home that we had to show up for (in our case it was our kids sports club…we both became active in it and that neutral ground where we were involved in busy community stuff was priceless). Although there would have been mornings we didn’t even speak we would arrive at the club and get over ourselves as we had to get stuff done.
-Time…..for years I held a stress that I could not shake…then as we worked through stuff, let go of blame forgave, ranted, renogiated, set new expectations and back and forth and back and forth things eased.
-Keep Trying ; Communication was hard as we would end up arguing but we kept trying.
- Podcasts - sounds cheesy but I listen to really positive interviews and podcasts that had positive messages about adversity etc. These were so helpful
-Gratitude…this is hard when you feel so betrayed and hurt. When you are ready, lean into smiling at the little bits of joy….the glimmers.
-Set new expectations…. Face it: change need to happen, cut your cloth and that’s ok.
Acceptance - stop with the ‘what ifs’ You are where you are and if you are constantly fighting that you stay locked in a battle.
-Watch out for stuck feelings of bitterness and resentment. When you notice them lingering figure out how to let go of them.
-Note all outgoings and incomings into the house. Get a handle on all of the finances. Learn about finances. Empower yourself
- Learn how to budget and enjoy it. You are not powerless.
- Goals - mini and major. Set achievable targets and celebrate those wins. It could be a course, a job move, a savings goal.
-Major goal…what are you now going to work towards…,how can that happen…
- Engage with the services and processes that are there to help…PIPs etc. I got on this process quickly and the speed of it helped massively. Take a free consultation, even if it’s not for you…outlining all the info is clarifying
That’s a snapshot and it might not read well. It is not a good time and the shock alone is huge. There are many steps in processing information and emotions that are derailing but believe me when I tell you, things will be ok and you will be ok again.
Believe that.