Initiating Divorce

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chloe99

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Long term lurker here
Back story
Together 2002
Married 2005
Separated albeit not legally 2014

Housing situation
He bought home in 2000 with ex bought her out
I had cooperative housing - he moved in 2002

We bought investment apt in 2003 in his name
Bought family home in joint names in 2004 a fair bit from Dublin
Plan was to sell once it made a profit and move up closer to Dublin as both were commuting to work in Dublin and 1 child ina school

2006 - mental health issues
I wanted to move back to be nearer to family he refused to sell
Crash happened equity in toilet
Eventually we moved 2010 to rented acc near work and rented out all houses
2014 he left
I continued in the rent acc with both kids he went to his original house
Fast forward both kids over 18
I want a divorce
He has agreed to mediation
I am paying €1800 rent on my own
He has rented out rooms in his own house throughout the separation
I want this to be as amicable and as fair as possible and to end quickly

Basically I want the 2 rented props sold so I can buy a home
He can keep his original home
Where do I stand I’m getting conflicting advice

Btw both public service pensions his a lot lot better than mine
He doesn’t pay any maintenance
Paid €100 pw
For the last child till she was 17
 
It's good that he is agreeable to mediation and not the extremely expensive and acrimonious route of litigation.

In mediation, the qualified mediator will act as fairly as possible to both sides and one that I know says he always has to tell people to leave emotions and other issues outside the door.

In a way, mediation is purely transactional but should leave both parties happy that the outcome was reasonable.

Probably impossible for anyone to give specific advise, but maybe meet with a mediator and have an initial consultancy These guys have a good reputation locally in Kildare https://browneandcomediation.ie/
 
Just to note that meditation can and hopefully will result in mutual agreement on some or all relevant issues relating to assets, maintenance, the children (if any are under 23), etc. But that still needs to be formalised via the divorce process, ideally with both spouses getting their own legal advice before any agreement is approved by the court/judge.
 
Thanks to both
I contacted the legal aid board I wasn’t sure if I qualified but they have advised there is no means test
I was told we would be assigned a mediator ina coupon of weeks
They will issue an email to both of to ensure we are both in agreement
I advised ex of what would be needed at the first meeting
Bank statements
Mortgage statements
Pension statements
Rent agreement s
Loans
Basically a SOM

Eldest dd is 27 youngest 19
Neither in full time education both working

I do not want nor do I think I am entitled to spousal support
I just want a home that I can call my own

Clubman - am aware the legal profession will have to sign off on divorce papers
I just want this all agreed so we are not lining the pockets when there is no need
 
chloe99 said:
Clubman do u suggest I should get legal advice prior to mediation
I was thinking the same,
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Yes, you absolutely need to have a conversation with a solicitor prior to mediation. I suggest that you also keep them in the loop before agreeing to a settlement.
 
Thanks for the response - I will not agree to anything in the first initial mediation meeting. I was potentially going to see what he brought to the table in the first instance and go from there ?
 
chloe99 said:
Thanks for the response - I will not agree to anything in the first initial mediation meeting. I was potentially going to see what he brought to the table in the first instance and go from there ?
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Nobody should be making substantive proposals at the first meeting. Talk to your solicitor about how it works and what to expect.
 
Having been through the "ordeal" of a judicial separation, off the back of two separate attempts at mediation here's my two cents worth of advice:

Do you have a clear idea of what you want at the end of this process and what you are willing to compromise to get there. You mentioned earlier of wanting a home to call your own - what does that look like? Does it mean staying where you are come hell or high water or does it mean being able to walk away with enough to get a place of your own even if that's a one bed flat!

Are both your kids financially independent from both you and their dad or do they still need some level of support from both/one of you and is this something that needs to be formally acknowledged and agreed. Things might be ok on this front now but this could change during the process, really think about it.

Do you have a good understanding of what the other side wants out of mediation - are there some elements you can live with, are there red line issues that there is no way you can compromise on.

Think about your pension, your priority for now might be just getting things settled, but hopefully you'll be living your life for a long time to come - are you financially covered as best you can be to do that - remember he might have entitlement to your pension.

Yes, have a conversation with a solicitor about what you are "entitled to" but then decide what level of fight/disagreement/unpleasantness will be required to get that and is there something "less" that you would be willing to settle for.

I found a good solicitor clearly lays out options, entitlements, questions, but mediation is not about realising all those entitlements its about both sides getting enough to feel the deal is worth doing.

From the actual process point of view, I found the first meeting was about the mediator getting of sense of what you both want out of a potential deal - they may meet you together or talk to you separately. The statement of means is to get everything out on the table and the mediator is there to help both of you work through the issues to agree a deal. The mediator's job is not to determine that deal - its to help you come up with what you are both happy to settle with.

As much as possible try and keep emotion out of it, arguments, blame, recrimination wont get you anywhere in this process. But I'd also say if you've done everything you possible can and the other side is not for budging don't flog a dead horse!
 
You need to be well prepared with legal advice before the meeting. Ask the solicitor what you are entitled to. You don’t need to settle for less
 
DeeKie said:
You need to be well prepared with legal advice before the meeting. Ask the solicitor what you are entitled to. You don’t need to settle for less
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It's not a question of settling for less.

The two things you need to know going into any negotiation are "what do I want to get?" and "what am I likely to get if these negotiations do not result in an agreement?" (called, by those who study these things, the "best alternative to a negotiated solution", or BATNA). The point of consulting a professional adviser before going into the negotations is (a) to help you work out what you would like to get out of the negotations, and (b) to advise you what your BATNA is — in this context, what can you expect to get if mediation is unsuccessful and the matter is thrashed out in court?

Your BATNA might not actually be what you want. In agreeing to something different in negotiations that is more in line with what you want is not "settling for less", even if the agreement gives the other party something they would probably not get in court.

Ideally, the other party in negotations will be similarly clear about what they want, and similarly well-informed about their BATNA. There's then scope for the parties to agree a negotiated settlement which, even if it doesn't give either of them everything they want, still gives both of them more of what they want than the BATNA would.
 
Food for thought in all your responses thank you
Northie you asked so I want to stay where I am come hell or high water, the area yes this is where my friends and family are
The house no - I want to buy a smaller house
Just for context - I did some figures I have paid over €270k in rent on my own with no housing assistance btw over the past 11 years
I worked out he has paid
Me €50k in maintenance
He lives in his original home with rooms rented out. I couldn’t sub let as I had the 2 girls
Mediation is 8 weeks away
I am
Meeting with a mortgage advisor (friend) to work out a best scenario if he agrees to my plan of selling 2 rental properties

I need a solicitor though I think that is becoming clear
One with exp in the financial
Aspects of family law
My eldest daughter is completely self sufficient
My youngest 19 not so much and I do think she will need to be helped for the next few years

I think I was kind of living in dream land thinking we would be amicable
I think he will fight for that he believes is his

Any suggestions on good family
Law solicitors with exp in pension adjustments and property in the Dublin Kildare region
 
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