Hubby to be- Brutal with Money

Hi all,

Just wondering if I could get some advice?

Im engaged to a fantastic guy however when it comes to money matters Im concerned. I must however point out firstly that when it comes to my finances Im very organised. Im 24 and have a pension, Max SSIA maturing next month and I also have some investments in stocks and an investment property. I think Im good at planning finances (im not a miser i go on holidays a couple of times a year and im always out and about : )
However im not sure if im being abit harsh with him because im good at my own money management and he is not...

He would earn approx 60k a year
Mortage of 160k
personal loan 23k
small pension
struggles to meet loan repayments
(he pays mortage and I pay all other bills so we pay out fair share)

My plan is for us both to plough money into the mortage and pay if off in less then 10 years....however hubbys attitude to cash is worrying me....he constantly goes to the bank for top up loans and cant seem to manage from one week to the next, money burns a hole in his pocket and its like he is on a mission to get rid of it once he has it. Any advice on how to tackle this problem? at the end of the day im really concerned about the future, I may not always be working as we would like a large family and with childminding costs this may not be an option for us so he will be the breadwinner....All I want is for out finances and commitments to loans/mortages reduced to nothing or to such a low level it allows us to have a fantastic standard of living..... : ) I also want to be in the position to have a good nest egg for out pension and our future children and I know how to do all these things....but how do I convert hubby to be to my way of thinking???? I dont want to be nagging him either.

any suggestions?

maybe a visit to bank fiancial advisor may change his view? at the end of the day seems like you the only able to manage the finance for the household.

Don't bother to try to convert him. Just take over his income, give him pocket money and leave it at that. Works for the women in our family!

that would be the best solution, but this guy is making 60k a year..think he got a rather stronger will power..no offence

Vanilla said:

Don't bother to try to convert him. Just take over his income, give him pocket money and leave it at that. Works for the women in our family!

Click to expand...

Just curious as to what value of his 60K would you put on "his pocket money"

My other half always knows what is in the bank. I never do. If a cheque is sent out and not cashed, other half gets annoyed at the 'incorrect' bank balance; I don't. When I get paycheque, I simply phone and ask where am I to lodge it. Spouse ensures that each of our accounts has enough dosh, and occasionally warns me not to pull any more from one or other account until payday.

Before I was married, I was constantly overdrawn. Now I never am. Crucial to this, I think, is that OH never criticises my lackadaisical attitiude to money (but it has to be said that I am not a big spender) and I never cry 'penny-pincher'. It works fine.

I think that in any marriage, it is quite enough that one of the two has good book-keeping skills. I wouldn't worry about it. If there is a tendency to make extravagant commitments (big car, plasma screen, etc.) I would be more concerned, but bad day-to-day management is not really problematic as long as a spouse is prepared to (and happy to) fill the management deficit.

Have to agree with MOB about each party bringing their own skills to the relationship. My OH is also quite poor with managing his finances so I look after it through 24hr banking. He has no idea of the amount or date our bills are due - mortgage, car loan, SSIA, etc. I send him texts occassionally detailing the balance of his accounts. He sees nothing wrong with being overdrawn - not because he didn't have the funds but because he didn't bother transferring money from another account!

Overall, I would say - don't try to change your OH - you won't succeed. Just come to terms with the fact that you are good with money while he is no doubt good at other things.

Thanks for your responses.

The one think i do say about the hubby to be is that he is not extravant....he doesnt care for plasma Tvs and brand new cars....(thank god or we would be bankrupt at this stage!!)

I dont want to take over and give him pocket money as at the end of the day he is a grown man and i dont think treating him like a child is the answer... (also he would also probaly tell me to feck off if i suggested
that!!: ) What i need is for him to change his behaviour...maybe I should set Eddie Hobbs on him....

we have always kept our finances completly seperate, we have agreed household expensies we both pay, we have seperate bank accounts and we go halfs on holidays or any other expenses that come up from time to time.

I suppose the real problem here is that soon our finanicial lives will be merged....and im really concerened that we will butt heads over this issue again and again...... (well it would be me having a freak attack worrying all the time)

I suppose setting groundrules would help....
any suggestions as to what they could be?

example
1: no credit cards unless cleared each month
2: no loans for either of us unless both agree
3: no overdrafts
4: 20% invested into pension
5:?
6: ?
7: ?
8: ?

Hopefully, in every partnership, the couple eventually realise one another's strengths and weaknesses. Your strength amongst others I presume, is finance. I was always in this position too. Mr. LW has absolutely no interest and never thinks where his money is coming from or going to. Years ago we agreed that I'd look after it, as I'm better at it. It's not a case of giving 'pocket money', he looks after his own accounts and transfers everything needed to pay for everyday life and savings by direct debit. I put suggestions to him and we discuss how viable the particular option is....he's good at that, just not good at thinking of an option in the first place, if you know what I mean.

You need to really discuss this with your husband, not argue. From his point of view, he works hard and deserves what he spends. I'd do it slowly, asking him to get rid of the high interest loan first. Perhaps he'd agree not to take out another top up before he talks to you. This is only fair as his bills become yours over time.

I should point out that it's easy to become so focussed on tomorrow, that you don't live for today. Live a little, you're only 24 and you seem to be well set on the road to financial stability. I've just noticed that Mob replied to this post. I agree with everything said and s/he describes out situation perfectly which works very well in our case too.

Before I married, I was always in some kind of financial bind and like a lot of younger people lived from one pay check to the next. Luckily(??) my husband is woeful with cash and make my budgeting look great - so I had to take over the financial reins - we would have ended up sleeping in a ditch otherwise! Because he was SO bad at handling money, I HAD to learn to budget better.

Major purchases get decided together - everything else, I organise - shopping, bills, mortgage payments, etc. You never know hubby might be glad to lose the money monster and have you handle things.

Calling it pocket money gives it a demeaning aspect, but in reality it works. Of my siblings, I think there is only one where the man, one of my brothers, is in charge of finance. In all the others, the women, sister or sister in law is in charge. That does not mean to say that the men in question are treated like children. On the contrary they are all intelligent, highly skilled professionals who have an equal share in various family responsibilities. But their wives are better at managing the finances so they have ( in all cases) happily abdicated responsibility to the other half. Quite honestly this means they get pocket money( call it what you like if it sounds better) and the rest is managed by their wives. In my case I manage the finances, but sometimes I can't turn on the television ( it's bloody complicated!). As to how much, well it really depends on the circumstances, but basically its enough for lunch each day, the paper, and a few extra quid for bits and bobs. If Mr.V needs anything else he has a credit card, but any major purchases are a joint decision. And yes, I do check the credit card bill, but only because if it were up to him he would never open the envelope.

At the end of the day it's very difficult to 'change' a grown man, and a lot easier to play to your respective strengths.

Thanks Liteweight....and everyone else! : )

and dont worry, I do live for today!!! im blessed that I also have a well paid job. (60-80k ) so I do blow cash on having fun and going out alot.

I also intend on blowing at least 10k of SSIA on shopping and random nonsense, hot air ballons ride, overpriced flatscreen TV , pressies for family and friends, poss might trade up car for 2000 Audi TT !!Woooohoooooooo!!!

We sorted this out by thrashing out a budget, and dividing the money into four different streams when it comes in.

-First stream of money goes into a high interest regular saver account.
-Second stream goes into an aib online savings account where we can access it immediately for bigger amounts like car insurance or yearly larger bills, also for things like weddings, holidays etc
-Third goes into a joint current account to pay monthly bills etc
-Fourth he can do what he likes with!

Why not transfer money from his account to the joint acount to cover his bills before they become due but just after pay day. My OH checks his balance and thinks - great, plenty there but forgets that perhaps the mortgage is due in 2 days. By tranferring the money for bills directly after payday he know exactly how much disposable income he has for the remainder of the month.

Be very careful how you tackle this. Money is at the root of so many arguments between couples. Pocket money wouldn't work for us and neither would rules. We both work hard and so I am not going to tell him what he can and can't do with his money. Incidentally you don't have to merge your finances when you get married. The majority of our friends haven't (which I originally thought strange) but whatever works for you & your relationship.

put it all on a single piece of A3 paper via spreadsheet, spell it out, when explained fully he will understand

yeah the ground rules about loans and credit cards should definitely be set down in stone. That stuff affects you and you should def be consulted.

What about making him set up a regular saver account where the money is transferred by standing order at the start of each pay month. At least that way you can rest easy that money is getting saved. if you are saving money its only fair he pulls his weight.

What i find handy is also having two other accounts. A current account with a debit card for living expenses etc. And also an online savings account that i can access immediately without penalty that I transfer a couple of hundred a month to to cover xmas presents, car insurance and weddings etc.

That way both short term, long term and savings are dealt with at start of month and whats left is to spend at will!

Thanks Lorz.....

In fairness to him he does have the mortage and his loan coming straight out from him wages so they do get paid......

I will have to sit down and have a good think about all your suggestions...I do agree Lorz that money is at the root of so many problems in relationships and thats why i need to sort this issue now......

I will let you know how i get on! im going to have to have a chat with him.

I lok after most of the finances in the household like bills,CC's etc... and look after the transfer of wages from my DH's business account into pur joint account. We can both spend what we need to on a daily basis but we would consult each other before spending any large amount of money. All our accounts are joint accounts and as my DH prefers me to look after the money I will do it. We both earn roughtly the same money but know if I didn't open his post and sort out what bills etc.. had to be paid it wouldn't be done. This works for us.

Suemoo

What's his attitude to this? Does he acknowledge that you're better at managing finances or might he take offence? I would suss out his feelings on it and I agree with previous poster to be careful not to hit any sore spots, it can be a sensitive topic for both parties.

Rereading your initial post, it sounds to me like you think his spending is a bit out of control. This may be a different issue than simply managing finances if he has to change his spending habits. One approach is to discuss the larger plan with him, agree on investments etc and he'll just have to make do with what he's left with . . .but will he just keep going to the bank for top up loans?

A

"I dont want to take over and give him pocket money as at the end of the day he is a grown man and i dont think treating him like a child is the answer... (also he would also probaly tell me to feck off if i suggested
that!!: ) What i need is for him to change his behaviour..."

You are right not to want to be controlling. But changing his behaviour does not sound to me like the right goal either.

Obviously I don't know either of you, and my coments are necessarily general. But cliches become cliches for a reason. One such is

"A woman marries a man thinking she can change him, but she can't. A man marries a woman thinking she won't change, but she does"

If you present this to your hubby as you 'taking control' and doling out pocket money, of course he will resent it. He needs to feel that he retains some element of control. The correct way to approach it is to arrive at a situation where your husband almost feels that he has you employed to look after his money. He will then quite happily defer to you, his financial manager, whilst simultaneously believing that you are in some sense doing his bidding. The little lies like this which we tell ourselves all the time are essential in almost any marriage. Honestly.

You are good with money; he is not; you are prepared to look after it; he is not; it is not a matter of taking control, but of you volunteering to handle a job which he neither likes nor has any particular aptitide for.