Child maintenance issue

Dairylea said:

But I did procrastinate on sending the draft proceedings back signed because I was scared of his (ex) reaction and consequences

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That's a very human and very understandable reaction. I procrastinated for years because of the massive blowback on the children from their mother whenever things looked like they were coming to a head. That changed when the older ones were old enough to make their own decisions and just refuse to live with her.
The main thing you and they need is stability and you won't get that until you have a legally binding agreement in place. Remember that someone who coercively controls you will do the same to children and they are more vulnerable and more likely to be damaged by it.

Dairylea said:

I do recognise the abuse although I struggle to say it. It is not lost on me and I am dealing with that in the background with regards to a possible safety order. It may not look like it to an outsider but to be engaging with a Solicitor is a huge step. Thank you for the Woman's Aid number Purple, I have already spoken with them too.

The Child Maintenance has been paid every week but it has been used as a way to try and assert control in the last couple of months. But I did procrastinate on sending the draft proceedings back signed because I was scared of his (ex) reaction and consequences.
The Solicitor has put a Les Pendens in place to block any sale of the property.

I don’t even want any money from him, no pension, personal maintenance, property adjustments etc. Not even the money I’ve put into the mortgage when I was working. All I want is the right to remain in the home until children are grown. I want stability and continuity for them through childhood. To be left alone to live my life. To be able to afford to get back to work and give them holidays and all the good things they deserve. To not be on the whim of a landlord and possibly be moving house and schools every few years.
But ex is adamant to let it go to court and let a judge decide what is fair.

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Don't sell yourself short, this is part of the coercive control beating you down to accept less than is fair.

Again, IANAL

I don't believe, even if you get an order to that effect that you will be allowed to peacefully occupy a property that your former partner views as 'his'.

Court orders are all fine and well - he will still have the ability to make your life a misery.

Yes, the law should, and generally will (eventually) issue orders, arrests, fines yada, yada. But the mills of justice grind exceedingly slow and frequently grind you down as well.

My advice is much the same; get yourself financially independent.

Get a lump sum settlement, work full time for a year so you can get a mortgage, buy a house, and kick him out of your life.

Of course you should, and will, facilitate him seeing and building a relationship with his child.

But he will no longer control you.

You will be in charge of your own life.

A mortgage and place of my own would be fantastic. As a single mum of two in her 40s with a top earning capacity of probably €50k at a real push it will be difficult to secure a mortgage or find somewhere cheap enough. And as soon as I work I’m paying child care x2 which will take a good chunk off straight away. Maybe not impossible but difficult. Would this also mean that I’d be liable to pay solicitor and court fees too and lose the legal aid? If so then that’s another chunk gone from any potential house deposit. There are so many variables and what ifs its hard to know what the future holds though. Definitely plenty to think about.

@Dairylea -

suppose you get the right of residency till your child is 18; now project forward 15 years - you've had your residency & now you have to leave.

Where will you live? You've no financial security built up, you will be (say) 55+ years old. What then?

You need a plan.

Dairylea said:

A mortgage and place of my own would be fantastic. As a single mum of two in her 40s with a top earning capacity of probably €50k at a real push it will be difficult to secure a mortgage or find somewhere cheap enough. And as soon as I work I’m paying child care x2 which will take a good chunk off straight away. Maybe not impossible but difficult. Would this also mean that I’d be liable to pay solicitor and court fees too and lose the legal aid? If so then that’s another chunk gone from any potential house deposit. There are so many variables and what ifs its hard to know what the future holds though. Definitely plenty to think about.

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If you have made significant career sacrifices in order to care for a child/children then it is reasonable that the other parent makes provision for your financial future. From what you have posted they have a good income and significant assets so you should be in the fortunate position that there are assets and income to split.
It is also the case that the other parent has the right to see the child and provide a home in which that child can live when it is their time to see them. It is for the court to determine these things but you are not going to get turfed out on your ear then your child turns 18 and/or leaves full time education.
This is certainly something that you should talk to your solicitor about.