Child maintenance issue

Dairylea

Registered User
Messages
31
I’m after a bit of advice please.

I’ve split from long term partner, we were not married. We have a young child together. He was breadwinner while I raised the children since the youngest came along. (I have young teenager also)



I have a solicitor dealing with the legal side of things and initially child maintenance and access were something we were both in agreement with. However things have turned more difficult.... Ex left for another woman. That didn’t work out for him and recently expressed his wishes to try again with our relationship. I have no interest in that for valid reasons.

He comes over to see our child and insists on staying the night/s (it’s his house). I’ve been going out in the afternoons to alleviate the awkwardness of the situation. I’ve refused to say where I’m going but I’m reachable by phone. I feel that it was a controlling relationship so it is important to me not to be answering to him now. This has resulted in him cutting child maintenance and being wishy washy about when he is seeing our child. It is on his terms instead of it being a mutual agreement. I’d like more structure in place. The drop in maintenance is also making an already tight budget even tougher.
My solicitor is dealing with cohabitation redress. Should I deal with child maintenance and access on my own through court (I’ve been told it’s pretty straightforward) or do it all together with my solicitor? I’m not sure how often I should be emailing solicitor with questions like this etc. I’m receiving legal aid and I don’t want to bother him too much. Its lengthy and not sure if an increase in child maintenance would be backdated hence my worry at leaving it to tick over week by week.

Also the issue of him staying over is concerning me with regards to my One Parent Family Payment. Could this cause problems? If they were to do an inspection it looks like he does still live here as a lot of his things are still here.

Any input or advice much appreciated.
 

Thirsty

Registered User
Messages
3,460
Change the locks and get a court order for maintenance.

Last time I checked child maintenance was back dated a max of six months.

From what I understand, talking to others, all court proceedings are grindingly slow at present.

For your own sake look at ways you can get more financial independence.
 

elcato

Moderator
Messages
3,652
When you say it is his house, what do you mean ? Was it his before you met ? I'd go easy on the lock change. You have to deal with him. Loosing the rag just makes things worse so even if you feel like it just hang in there and try to stay calm. Tell him you are uneasy about staying over and want a stop put to it. If he starts saying he will call whenever he wants or any thing that makes you uncomfortable then push the button alright. Does he have a key btw ?
 

Thirsty

Registered User
Messages
3,460
I have to disagree with @elcato

This is about taking control of your own space, not "loosing the rag".

However, it is worth stating what you want; very clearly and unequivocally.

No "just" or "please" or "only"; write it down, practise saying it in advance.

Don't threaten or tell him you'll change the locks otherwise.

Say what you want & if it doesn't happen then take action.
 

Dairylea

Registered User
Messages
31
Thanks for your input guys.

@elcato Yes he was paying a mortgage when we met. (10 years ago) When I moved in I paid half of everything until I stopped working after our child came along. His work took him overseas regularly while I looked after home and kids. This enabled him to buy investment property, clear his mortgage on the “family home”. More than half the outstanding mortgage was cleared in last few years. My name was not added to property at any stage. He pays no rent or mortgage anywhere else.

He does have a key and I have said a few times that I’m uncomfortable with him staying over, that it’s not healthy for any of us and asked that he doesn’t. He has made it clear that he will stay when he chooses because it is his house and is thinking about moving back in. Legally he can if he chooses to at the moment. So I’m not sure that it would be legal to change the locks? He is pushing for myself and children to move out which is why I have a solicitor.

I would like to get back into full time employment again but I could not afford rent and childcare on my own as it stands.

@Thirsty, thanks for the suggestion on getting clear about wording etc. Currently learning about boundaries and responding vs reacting. It is helpful advice.
 

Thirsty

Registered User
Messages
3,460
Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Start looking into getting back to work; financial independence is vital and you won't always have childcare costs.
his house and is thinking about moving back in. Legally he can if he chooses to at the moment.

Who told you this?
 

Dairylea

Registered User
Messages
31
Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Start looking into getting back to work; financial independence is vital and you won't always have childcare costs.


Who told you this?
My solicitor said he could and to be prepared for it. I’ve read of divorcing couples living under the same roof too. I think it’s a similar situation although most are living together because there may be no other option. My ex is fortunate enough to have another place to live.
 

Thirsty

Registered User
Messages
3,460
He's using this as an intimidation and controlling tactic to get his own way.

The insistence on staying overnight, using a key, apparently seeking to resume your relationship are all tactics; when you don't comply he withdraws money and affection from his child.

Time to step up @Dairylea - state what you want and make a plan, this is your life and its time to take control.

Edit to add: a landlord owns the property their tenant lives in; and likely keeps keys for it. That does not give them the right to enter or stay overnight or move in.

I don't believe you can have less rights to peacefully occupy the property than a tenant; and if push came to shove, I think you would succeed in getting an injunction.

Start by getting back to work though.
 
Last edited:

Leo

Moderator
Messages
12,786
I don't believe you can have less rights to peacefully occupy the property than a tenant; and if push came to shove, I think you would succeed in getting an injunction.
The prohibition on a landlord entering a property is covered in the Residential Tenancies Act, doesn't apply to this scenario.

@Dairylea, it sounds like your solicitor is aware this is an issue and is taking action. They will likely be seeking a Property Adjustment Order. The general outcome is that the primary caregiver will be granted the right to live in the home until the youngest child turns 18 or 23 if in full time education.

Changing the locks and preventing them entry is not a good idea and a breach under the Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010.
 

noproblem

Registered User
Messages
2,536
Is your (ex) partner engaging with the solicitor? Can you back up everything you're saying about him? How was maintenance being paid? He may very well say that he has no idea what you're talking about and that you suddenly want him out of his property. After all, he is staying there, sleeping there, etc, might have friends that can back up his story, we only have your version of things. Don't get me wrong, i'm not castigating you, just being the devils advocate so to speak. It's a crazy old country out there.
 

LS400

Registered User
Messages
685
As usual, I see another angle here..

Your living in his home, not with just your child that you have together, but with other children from another relationship.

What responsibility does he have to house your other children.

I dont think its as straight forward as is being made out. If my relationship broke down in these circumstances, although I have a responsibility to my own child, I dont for the other kids involved. Harsh alright, but never the less, something that needs to be said.
 

Thirsty

Registered User
Messages
3,460
The OP is a year down this road already; it could easily be another 18 months to 2 years before anything is settled.

OP needs to take action now to stop these tactics.

The half-sibling isn't the issue here.

It's not "his" home, it's the child(ren)'s.

@Leo, whilst you are correct that the legislation in regards to tenants does not apply; my point is that the OP has a right to live in the property without interference pending the final settlement orders, in much the same way that a tenant has such rights.

OP previously posted about year ago, I think.

Re locks: whilst again @Leo Is correct from the legislation point of view, safety is far more important.
 

Leo

Moderator
Messages
12,786
@Leo, whilst you are correct that the legislation in regards to tenants does not apply; my point is that the OP has a right to live in the property without interference pending the final settlement orders, in much the same way that a tenant has such rights.
Yep, they absolutely do have a right to live there, but likewise, the ex also has a right to live there in the absence of a court order. A good solicitor will most likely be successful in obtaining such an order based on what has been posted to date. Let him continue to play the games, the court will have little tolerance.

I've witnessed the damage controlling partners can have on the other party's mental and physical health, so I certainly wish the OP the best here, and don't want to see them take a course of action that might risk their security or chances of obtaining sole rights to the property.
 

Thirsty

Registered User
Messages
3,460
The problem @Leo is that settlement orders will likely take another 18-24 months & in the meantime the OP & the children need to be safe.

I don't believe taking action now to secure that safety will impinge on the final settlement orders.

I do believe, if the OP does not take action, the impact of the emotional and financial abuse will be huge. If that needs an injunction, then so be it.
 

Pinoy adventure

Registered User
Messages
458
The problem @Leo is that settlement orders will likely take another 18-24 months & in the meantime the OP & the children need to be safe.

I don't believe taking action now to secure that safety will impinge on the final settlement orders.

I do believe, if the OP does not take action, the impact of the emotional and financial abuse will be huge. If that needs an injunction, then so be it.

Thirsty I don't think there is any safety concern too either the OP or child/ren.things may be difficult but it wouldn't be classed as a safety issue.
 
Top