Just composed this to send to bank managers can it be improved.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque,
with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between
his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account, of
the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways.
I noticed, that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I,
Like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an
Employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status,
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
About him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
Alternative... Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and
the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
Number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret
that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me,
to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When
You call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to
access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised
Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
Options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion,
involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an Establishment Fee to cover the setting up of this
New arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque,
with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between
his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account, of
the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways.
I noticed, that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I,
Like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an
Employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status,
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
About him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
Alternative... Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and
the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
Number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret
that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me,
to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When
You call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to
access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised
Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
Options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion,
involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an Establishment Fee to cover the setting up of this
New arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -