How to "motivate" 37yo brother (smokes dope & plays PC games) to get out & get work?

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pinkyBear

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Hi there,

I have a brother who went back to collage a few years ago to do a particular Masters. I advised him that the November prior to finishing the masters 2 years ago - he needs to secure a job.

Since he qualified he has not worked (2 years now), he does want to work, he just finished one of those 9 mth internships for a company where you can work and get the dole. Mr. Bear and I have been very good to him, he lived with us during the internship, I helped him out a bit with money etc..

The problem is, when he isn't working he just smokes dope and plays games on his PC! He applies for jobs on line - and well nothing happening.

I know things are tough now, but I asked if he would go to different companies in person (there are about 3 -4 business parks near us), but he always has a reason why he wont/cant do something.

My brother is a good guy, but he has no responsibilities, and always has back up - ie ours or my mums!!!!

How do you help someone help themselves!
Cheers,
P..:)
 
Hi there,

What age is your brother?? Have you sat down and had a chat with 'mum' too or is she not aware of whats going on?

MrsRockstar
 
Brace yourself - he's 37!!!! I know your shocked!! As am I!

It annoys me that he smokes dope, he's not allowed smoke it inside my house, however I can smell when he has rolled a joint. I have spoken to him about that as he wouldn't do it in our mums!! I just dont think it helps him, he's already laid back enough!

As for telling mam about the dope, it would kill her.. She is well aware of what he's like too...
 
pinkyBear said:
....he does want to work...
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pinkyBear said:
.....but he always has a reason why he wont/cant do something...
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Sounds like he says he wants to work but is not willing to back the words up with action.

I dont think there is anything you can do.

Where is he living and where is he getting money to lie around and smoke dope?

Unless he gets kicked out to stand on his own two feet he is probably happy to sit tight - and why wouldnt he eh?
 
I don't know his personality obviously, but at his age could it be something a little bit deeper than this?

He has proven he has the ability by getting a masters but do you think he might need to talk to someone qualifed with regards getting some direction in his life? Could he maybe suffering from depression and that is hindering his motivation?

Hopefully you don't take it the wrong way, its just a suggestion.
 
Could he be depressed? Maybe there is some underlying cause rather than pure laziness?
 
Not to mention the cumulative effect of smoking dope which may be a factor.

I've come across this type of story on several occasions.

I reckon its a widespread but hidden problem.
 
Maybe you and your mother have been too good to him. If he lives with your mother now she will just have to get tough.

I have told my son he will have to move out of home next year and look after himself as he is now old enough (he's 22). It's the only way they will stand on their own two feet.

Your mum will have to talk to him about this or he will never be motivated to leave. Maybe when he realises he has to pay all his own bills or be homeless he may make more of an effort to find work.

Saying that I wouldn't see my son on the streets (but he doesn't know that!).
 
Hopefully you don't take it the wrong way, its just a suggestion.
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Dont worry I didn't:)
I personaly feels he thinks things will come to him, and that applying for the jobs on line is enough.. !

Cheers for the ideas...
 
Have to agree with Scotsgirl. Its easy to just keep bobbing along if there is always a warm home and food in the fridge. Why would he bother if he doesn't have to?...except for pride and selfworth (which may be lost if he is suffering from some kind of depression)
 
pinkyBear said:
Dont worry I didn't:)
I personaly feels he thinks things will come to him, and that applying for the jobs on line is enough.. !
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It's a tricky situation, hope he gets something soon. It will do him good to get out on his own.
 
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Hopefully, he enjoyed the internship as it was based on what he had studdied and he got great feedback from the company. I really felt for him because he put his heart and soal into it, working till 9 at night some days. He was hoping that he would be made permanent there but that did not happen:( Once the scheme had finished the employer dropped him!
 
Hopefully it will work out for him pinkybear, and you too, it must be hard to watch.

I wish he's give up the weed though as I think it's a major factor. I know a guy (42) who hasn't ever really worked (bits of jobs in factoried here and there and then back on the dole) and now that the mates who use to smoke with him have moved on he's a lonely old soul imo. It always seemed to be a big part of his life.

Your brother just seems to lack a bit of confidence as he showed some motivation which my friend complety lacks.
 
All other objections aside, dope is robbing him of any ambition - Giving it up (at least for right now) would be my suggestion.
 
This problem is big in Ireland.

Does he hand over his social welfare for rent and food? If he was giving big chunk of it , it might give him motivation to get a job. I would ban the use of drugs in house. As it seems he is very comfortable and has it easy. He needs good kick up the ass.

Does his mother know he uses drugs?.. because if she did she might atop fueling his habit.

My brother smoked hash on off for yrs and his personality changed from easy going guy to highly strung. I sat him down one night told him in black and white what he was turning into.

He was shocked. Didn't realise this.

Anyway he stopped and is now successful business man at only 28.
 
serotoninsid said:
All other objections aside, dope is robbing him of any ambition.
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Not if his ambition is to smoke dope and play computer games all day! :cool:

I've been there though I was significantly younger than 37 then. He probably doesn't want to take any old job because then he'll find it hard to get out of and to do what he wants.

Those working for free dole schemes can be exploited by unscrupulous companies.

If he had a girlfriend he'd probably tidy himself up and get his head a bit more together, but if you don't have a job women are not usually interested so it's a vicious sort of cycle.

What general field did he get the masters in?
 
dontaskme said:
If he had a girlfriend he'd probably tidy himself up and get his head a bit more together,
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Excuse me for pointing this out, but in these times 'a partner' might suffice. Perhaps this is where his problems lies. And if he is based in a rural part of the country he just might be best to move somewhere more concentrated with other folk.
 
mercman said:
Excuse me for pointing this out, but in these times 'a partner' might suffice. Perhaps this is where his problems lies. And if he is based in a rural part of the country he just might be best to move somewhere more concentrated with other folk.
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you're right there but it's hard to move to the city unless you have a job lined up first. And there is a strong sense of community in parts of rural Ireland which is hard to replace.
 
Believe me in most parts of rural Ireland, if one is seen to do nothing else other than smoking hash, it is frowned upon and leads to bigger problems including an entire family.
 
Most of us all have friends that have had to up sticks due to a sexuality difference. Personally it has never bothered me, but in these modern times there are plenty of mindless stupid people who refuse to acknowledge others that may be a little different.
 
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