Friend had to go on long term sick due to bullying - v upset

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elainem

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Hi!

Just looking for advice on how to help a friend.

He is 53 and has been diagnosed with PTSD following two situations of prolonged bullying at two different workplaces. First bullied seven years ago, over a period of a year, and was off for 3 months on sick leave.

Recently, last year, bullied severely again at another workplace over a period of two years. He has now been formally diagnosed with PTSD due to same. He has never gone back to work after last incident of bullying, and has now gone long-term sick with his salary protection.

However, despite having enough money, he is really grieving the loss of his career, suffering with a terrible shame about being bullied, and this seems to be worse for him due to being male - he feels he should have been able to stand up to the bullies. He is really stuck in the shock that people can be so nasty. He feels there is something intrinsically wrong with him because he was severely bullied in two workplaces. Really nice, genuine guy - not a pushover, but certainly not aggressive - so I too can't get to grips with why he was so badly bullied. Advice really welcome for very upset friend - feel there is little I can do to help how he feels.
 
Every time you start one of your threads I thank my lucky stars that my life isn't as interesting and dramatic as yours...

All he can do is engage with whatever mechanisms exist in his workplace to deal with bullying or harassment, and get professional help to rehabilitate himself. Maybe even consider changing career if it's a generally stressful environment which might be contributing to his stress levels and those of colleagues.

It does seem a bit too coincidental that he's found himself a victim twice in such close proximity; as his friend are you sure you're entirely objective in how you're viewing the situations?
 
My initial reaction is that your friend is the problem. The same person getting bullied in two different places by two different groups of people. Very odd.
 
It is the sick trickery of the bully to make the victim feel somehow responsible for being picked on. Therapy can help. Suggest Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Reality therapy which can help look at empowering himself. Open-ended therapy (whilst undoubtedly useful in many circumstances) may not help him focus on what he CAN do to help himself and work thru his feelings. There are lots of online resources giving info. on these therapeutic approaches, and it would be good to get some recommendations for a good, well-qualified therapist to work with. This isn't really a DIY kind of job.
 
A huge number of people are bullied in work, it may be something to do with your friend, but it's more likely he was just unlucky. If possible, can he get as much help as possible to overcome this? Has he seen a psychiatrist (it should be possible to get referred through his gp on the public system), Aware do a 'life skills' course which covers CBT, it isn't as useful as one on one counselling, but it may help, and finally he may be able to get access to low cost counselling if he's willing to see someone who is still training. Someone who is still training will be supervised, and I think someone new to the area can also be more enthusiastic about conselling, which helps.

It isn't his fault, and it may seem like I'm recommending a lot of stuff, but it may take a lot to overcome this. Best of luck to him, there isn't any easy fix, but at least something might make him feel better.

http://www.aware.ie/life-skills/?gc...0ZZRhZ7YFwe2dVl2fxiJxZfYqOS4Wa_GtoaAjrW8P8HAQ
 
Unfortunate situation on my fronts. Fortunately not been in a situation like this personally - but I can understand how it could arise in reality. We all have a duty to be mindful of such matters and try not let matters develop to such an advanced stages - employee and management. Feel that because of the first instance and the outcome, your friend may have been both prone to another incident and also vulnerable to such happening. I expect of you google topic it's possible research could back this up. Best option at this stage would be a new start for your friend. Are there any options with current employer in a different location or has he particular skills that could help him find a job easily. Of course - he should lodge a complaint - but don't get his life on hold when it works itself through. That would affect him more than the actual episodes of bullying. Hope you get some inspiration to help him. Best wishes
 
Perhaps he should start off by doing some voluntary work, it will help his CV, he can make contacts and potentially it will be good for his confidence and mental well-being to be out and about and doing something he can walk away from at any time he wants.

I do understand how this can arise, there are plenty of little Hitler style managers still out there who believe the only way to motivate staff is with a big stick. However I've also seem people scream bullying when the reality is that all that was happening was that their poor performance was being monitored and corrected. Your friend should also step back and ask himself some honest questions about his own performance.

He also needs to realize he may not be on salary protected for ever, his employers insurers may put pressure on the employers to try and get him back to work. He should seriously engage with an employment law specialist to plan the best way forward
 
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