Boyfriend & christmas gifts

truthseeker said:
Its not intelligence thats at issue with something like this - its selfishness.



Can you tell him this? Obv all relationships are different but at this stage are you close enough to just come out and announce this to him? If he knows how much it means to you he might change his tune?



How do you find what?

Thats a tough call about the watch - on the one hand you dont want to not get him something out of spite, on the other hand why should you bother if he doesnt?

Personally Id address it verbally before making any decisions.

But if he is already on thin ice maybe you need to do a full re-consider?
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How do I find these guys.
I'm not going to buy anything until we've discussed this, and as for a re-consider, that will depend on the outcome I guess. On the one hand he's great, but the little gestures and demonstrations are missing, the things that elevate someone beyond friend to boyfriend.
As for the watch - it's at the upper limit of what I'd spend, but had wanted to get him a watch, to replace an old one he has, and when I started researching, this particular one was perfect, so considered getting that as a combined christmas and birthday which is soon after christmas. Wasn't planning it in a bunny boiler way.
 
Why not just buy him something small. I am sure he will buy you something as well even if you said you didn't want anything. If he doesn't, he obviously doesn't understand women!
 
The_Banker said:
No offence but I think you are looking for Utopia.
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No offence taken.
I'm not looking for Utopia - I think this is maybe compounding some other thoughtless things that have happened lately, and is raising some flags for me.
 
Mel said:
How do I find these guys.
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Oh thats not hard - Ive found plenty of them over the years too :)

I didnt think the watch sounded bunny boilery - it all depends on the relationship.

But I do think your best resolve is to tell him youre disappointed by his attitude. If he cant understand that then you probably dont want to stay with him.

If the little gestures and demonstrations are missing only 5 months in - what will it be like in 20 years time? I mean, this is the time he should be woo-ing you if he likes you!!
 
truthseeker said:
If the little gestures and demonstrations are missing only 5 months in - what will it be like in 20 years time? I mean, this is the time he should be woo-ing you if he likes you!!
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Yes, big alarm bells right now. Just unfortunate that he's away and hard to have these conversations over the phone, so it's on ice now for another week or so. Will report back - thanks everyone, don't think I've had this response to many posts I've made. :eek:
 
I'd suggest getting a more toned down and less expensive present. Watches are very personal. He might feel obliged to wear it. If he didn't would you wonder why? Equally, if you start buying him clothes after five months, he'll think you want to dress him.

A safe bet might be some sort of gadget (e.g. an internet radio, digital photo frame,) that woudn't cost the earth but which anyone could find a use for.

That said, I think it was a bit insensitive of him to ask you "if you'd like a present". I know you were probably caught off guard but the only good answer to that is "only from those who like to give them". Without suggesting you're expecting a present, you should let him know how you feel about giving/receiving. If, after that. he turns up empty handed on Christmas Day, you'll know you've bagged an iceman who won't take a hint.
 
Staples said:
Equally, if you start buying him clothes after five months, he'll think you want to dress him.
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Which could be a good thing if he is used to his mammy dressing him over the years lol.

Staples said:
I think it was a bit insensitive of him to ask you "if you'd like a present". I know you were probably caught off guard but the only good answer to that is "only from those who like to give them".
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+1 - another good answer to that is 'of course Id like a gift you insensitive fool - why the hell would I ask you what youd LIKE as a gift if I didnt think you were giving me one?'
 
I'd suggest you talk to him about the gifts, Christmas and the underlying problems in your relationship (since there clearly are some) and stop wasting time on the AAM asking people who know nothing about you, your BF or your relationship with him. As someone who has recently gone through a breakup after 8 years, the worst thing you can do is have doubts/nagging feelings and not talk to the other person about them. They will only fester and build up inside you and explode eventually. The Christmas thing is only a smokescreen to deflect from your real doubts.
 
username123 said:
I'd suggest you talk to him about the gifts, Christmas and the underlying problems in your relationship (since there clearly are some) and stop wasting time on the AAM asking people who know nothing about you, your BF or your relationship with him. As someone who has recently gone through a breakup after 8 years, the worst thing you can do is have doubts/nagging feelings and not talk to the other person about them. They will only fester and build up inside you and explode eventually. The Christmas thing is only a smokescreen to deflect from your real doubts.
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Thanks for your input.
Not discussing this particular issue, and others has only been down to timing (travel), and you'll see above that is indeed my intention to talk about it all.
 
I wouldnt care if I never got a present from my husband for Christmas, birthday etc And I frequently don't. And vice versa. I usually give a subtle warning if I am going to buy him a present- like last year I bought him a techy gadget that I knew he'd love so I warned him in advance. So he bought me something too. But this year I told him there's nothing I want and there's nothing he wants either, so we won't bother. Instead we'll go out to a nice restaurant for dinner over Christmas. We've always done similar.

Love isn't about getting or giving presents, for me, it's the bigger picture that's important.
 
Vanilla said:
I wouldnt care if I never got a present from my husband for Christmas, birthday etc And I frequently don't. And vice versa. I usually give a subtle warning if I am going to buy him a present- like last year I bought him a techy gadget that I knew he'd love so I warned him in advance. So he bought me something too. But this year I told him there's nothing I want and there's nothing he wants either, so we won't bother. Instead we'll go out to a nice restaurant for dinner over Christmas. We've always done similar.

Love isn't about getting or giving presents, for me, it's the bigger picture that's important.
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I agree with this - but it only works if both people feel the same way about it. If one is feeling disappointed then thats no use.

So long as both people are on the same page then gifts or no gifts doesnt matter.
 
People can fall into the expectation= disappointment trap only if they are not blunt and vocal about the expectation.

If I want a present, I tell him. And frequently tell him what, too. No disappointment. Happiness all round.;)
 
Vanilla said:
If I want a present, I tell him. And frequently tell him what, too. No disappointment. Happiness all round.;)
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Yes - I tend to work things that way too - although he has surprised me with some brilliant (non expensive but very creative) presents in the past.

We tend to hint drop at each other but in a jokey way.

But its more fundamental if its early in a relationship and you wanted to spoil him for xmas (and hoped he would spoil you), only to find that he has no interest in it.
 
I don't believe it is fundamental to a relationship. I think we build up expectations of what a relationship should be like from books/films or what other people tell you but realistically is it really that crucial whether he's the kind of bloke who will give you a romantic present or not?

Fair enough if it means that much to Mel but my priorities obviously lie elsewhere! I say give him a chance.
 
We'll have to agree to disagree on that, truthseeker.

I'm all about the relationship, not the gestures. Hey, a few gestures wouldn't go amiss, but I'm happier with the fact that he makes me a real coffee every morning because I love it, that he cooks dinner all the time, stuff like that-the little things.
 
Vanilla said:
We'll have to agree to disagree on that, truthseeker.
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Im not disagreeing with you Vanilla - I totally agree the relationship is the thing, not the gestures. Mind you - the real coffee every morning is a good gesture!

All Im saying is that for that to work - both people have to feel the same way.
 
To the OP:

You have to accept who he is and make a decision if this affects the relationship.
Tell him that you love presents and are very disssppointed that he is different and have an open honest discussion about it.

You have very different views about a minor issue, which is just about to be a major issue. If neither of you are willing to compromise, then ask yourself what you want to do. And, BTW, you need to compromise too. If he is willing to buy you a present, because it makes you happy, be happy and have low expectations of the present - its the thought that counts.

Whatever the outcome of the discussion, decide if this is a relationship that you want, or are you going to crying into your wine glass twice a year for the next 10 years because he "doesn't care enough to get me a gift".

In the absense of this discussion, you buying him a 300 quid watch and him buying you nothing is a recipe for disaster.
 
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