Yet another crap joke...

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A man walks into the doctor's surgery with a frog on his head. "What seems to be the problem then" asks the doctor. "Well, I seem to have a human stuck to my bum" replies the frog. :)
 
You should get out a bit more so! :lol

I always liked the old Tommy Cooper one. "I went shopping for some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.".
 
Yeah...y'see I like jokes like this:


A man goes into a seafood restaurant....

...and asks to see the dishes of the day.

The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip please" says the man.

"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher.

Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when i cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.



(Wait for it)









(Sorry about this)











Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais... With mild green, hairy lip squid
 
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He slides up to the bar and growls, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." :rollin
 
I always thought 3 legged dogs sort of hopped, plus when did ever hear a dog with a (US) southern accent, jeez!!
 
Crap Jokes

Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like
him to play.
This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play. The chap shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord"

so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.

The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".
Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he replies

{in your best Japanese accent}

"A jazz chord to say I love you!"
 
Re: Crap Jokes

Shouldn't it be 'A jazz chord to say I ruv you'?
 
Crap Jokes

> {in your best Japanese accent}
> "A jazz chord to say I love you!"

"A jazz chord to say I rove you!" surely?
 
Re: Crap Jokes

For stobear (since you didn't like the last one...;) )

A fela spots a nice looking girl in a bar, goes up and starts
small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said warming up to the conversation. "Who gave you that name, your mother?"

"No, I chose it myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"

"Beerfuck."
 

My Dad is a Father __________________

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar
that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The
little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went
back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for
a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your
pants backwards instead of your collar
 
A rabbit walks into a bar, orders a pint with a ham and cheese toasty. He drinks his pint and eats his ham and cheese toasty ,much to the amazement of all in the bar. The next day he goes in again and orders a pint with a ham and cheese toasty. Word gets around and people flock to the bar to see the rabbit. The rabbit calls in everyday and the crowds get bigger.

Then one day The barman tells the rabbit that he has no cheese left but he can give him a ham and tomato toasty, The rabbit say ok.

The rabbit did not go back to the pub until a year later ,when passing by, he went in to see the barman. The bar was empty except for the barman,who explained that when he, the rabbit , stopped coming in ,the crowds fell away.
He asked the rabbit why he had stopped coming in to which the rabbit replied "mixingmetoasties"
 
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod fish appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old buddy.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old buddies simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old buddy. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home,distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"...(wait for it) . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian"
 
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
 
Ok long long ago and far far away a rebellion arose headed by a Count against his King. After a few battles the Count was captured by the King who told his torturers to extract from the Count the whereabouts of his armies to crush the rebellion. The Count declined and despite progressive torture maintained his silence. Eventually the King threatened to off his head unless he spilled the beans. The Count declined, so the King had hib brought to the block with the executioner who had his large axe at the ready. The King gave the Count one last chance before being beheaded. The Count shook his head. "Ok then" said the King, " off with his head". The executioner swung the axe back readied and as he started on the downward stroke the Count blurted out "no wait they are hidden ".... wham, too late, head into basket.

The moral in the story ...

. . .

. . .

. . .

(sorry about this )

...

Don't hatchet your Counts before they chicken.
 
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