Wife’s Contribution to the Mortgage, Bills etc. while seeking a Divorce

ClubMan said:
I didn't disagree with the utility of others' pitfalls and related advice. My point is that one couple's outcome is specific to their particular circumstances and is probably not relevant to any other couple's situation.
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Very well said
Which emphasizes that each partner is uniquely suited to present there prospective and advocate for themselves
the need to engage a solicitor who relates to them takes time to understand where they are coming from and let them know if they are going about it the correct or incorrect way,

Cruzer123 solicitor friend looks like the last person you would engage if you were trying to encourage mediation to resolve issues,
In most cases failing to engage in mediation will come against you in the end unless the other party try something foolish which gives them a get out of jail card,
 
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Cruzer123 said:
or well over 2 decades I have paid the mortgage and every single bill including the weekly shopping. Lately this has consumed 80% of my earnings. Despite this she accuses me of financial control. Alas it was remiss of me to continue this arrangement for so long.
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If you haven't started already you need to start today and put in place a system tracking all of your spending to your earnings, It will be brought up sooner than later you need to have all outgoings receipts ready at all times to back up claim, you say your partner has a top solicitor engaged top solicitors don't like getting cought out with incorrect information up in front of a judge,
Cruzer123 said:
Anyone have any thoughts regarding whether this arrangement is fair in the pre divorce stage and any ideas how I may go about changing it?
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Don't change or attempt to change anything right now, don't hand over a stick for someone else to beat you up with,
 
bkenn14 said:
In most cases failing to engage in mediation will come against you in the end unless the other party try something foolish which gives them a get out of jail card
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Ok, so she point blank refused the idea of couples therapy, she’s likely heading straight to a contested divorce with no offer of mediation. She said she won’t be dealing with me on anything and will be guided by her solicitor (despite saying last week whether or not she’s seen a solicitor is none of my business).

She’s single minded, rigid in her opinions and not for changing.

I suspect given she’s refused counselling she’ll refuse mediation. I say this because she’s very unhappy angry and hostile for no good reason.

If it plays out that she has refused mediation how will it “come against” her in the end other than increased costs which are being paid by a family member. I will end up paying my own costs which will no doubt be significantly higher due to the her lack of insight on processes available to her.

From what I’ve seen and heard I feel like I’m about to be dragged into a ridiculously expensive contested divorce when I’d rather just mediate & split everything 50, 50 and be done with it.
 
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Cruzer123 said:
I’m feel like I’m getting dragged into a contested divorce when I’d rather just split everything 50, 50 and be done with it.
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Engage a solicitor and explain to them that you're willing to do this.

I find it curious that the children don't really feature prominently in your posts given that they're presumably still minors (you mention school, school trips and exams) so their care, custody and access to both parents will be issues that need to be negotiated and dealt with - and arguably take precedence over purely financial/property matters.
 
ClubMan said:
I find it curious that the children don't really feature prominently in your posts given that they're presumably still minors (you mention school, school trips and exams)
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They’re in their late teens and I’m being purposely vague. Custody won’t be an issue whatsoever, they’ll land in whichever home they want I’d guess.

I suspect I’ll be relegated to the Dad that spends a couple of hours with them at the weekend or a trip to the movies during the week. This is one aspect that galls me, missing time at home with them & being with them 27 x 7. Two still have a lot of growing to do.
 
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Cruzer123 said:
I suspect I’ll be relegated to the Dad that spends a couple of hours with them at the weekend or a trip to the movies during the wee
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only if you choose to be, It is a mistake a lot of Dads make, If your wish is for 50/50 Parenting making it known,
This opens up a new Discussion around providing the resources so you can provide 50/50 parenting which will bring both parties to the Mediation Table overworked judges expect things like that to be sorted in mediation,

Don't worry if the children don't at present want to stay with you 50% of the time you want the split of assets to leave you in a position if they change there minds to be able to offer then 50% or more time with you,
Getting Counselling on your own will do your case no harm,
 
bkenn14 said:
overworked judges expect things like that to be sorted in mediation,
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Not necessarily via mediation but often through negotiation by the spouses via their respective legal teams.

Mediation

Mediation helps you to resolve any disputes you may have in relation to Family Law issues. Learn more about what mediation is and where to find a mediator.
services.courts.ie
 
I had a look at the link provided
word for word,
Mediation can help you resolve any disputes you may have in relation to key issues such as

Arrangments for your children,

Maintance

The family home

Money assets and pensions,

The OP expects to be relegated to a Dad who spends a few hrs with his kids at the weekend or a trip to the movies now and then
His partner may be thinking the same way right now, but if he makes his case and wish known he will get a 2025 version of family Law which may be an eye opener for both parties,

Cruzer 123
If she files for Divorce now not so sure you should put a spanner in the works, you will possibly get a Better deal while your kids are younger if you make your case correctly,
Also If you push it out another two years that in possibly 50% of an extra two years pension entitlements you are down if you have a private pension unless she has a larger pension than you

Speaking of pensions get financial advice from a Financial Advisor not a solicitor on what is best arrangements from your point of view if you have a pension,

Word in the street is where it is left up to the Court/Judge to impose terms they don't take too kindly to whoever is dragging there feet with the family court system backed up at present,

judges are well aware where one party is driving up cost by not engaging in negotiating
 
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bkenn14 said:
I had a look at the link provided
word for word,
Mediation can help you resolve any disputes you may have in relation to key issues such as
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Yes, but not every couple goes through mediation and many negotiate a settlement via their legal teams.

Edit: a quick Google suggests that it's very much the minority of separating or divorcing couples that go through mediation - possibly as low as 1% - with most negotiating settlements via their legal teams or depending on the court/judge to impose terms.
 
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Clubman
Are solicitors no longer required by Law to discuss the possibility of mediation as a means of reaching a solution
or is this requirement only apply to seperation cases and not in divorce settlements,

The Google 1% Mediation in Divorce settlements is very low I wonder if the data is picking up the fact that the pension element of any settlement can not be agreed by mediation has to be agreed by both legal teams is this what is bringing down the % agree by Mediation when in the real world most of the settlement was already agreed trough Mediation,

I though the solicitor should provide you with a list of names and addresses of individuals and organisations that are qualified to help people reach mediated agreement,

A solicitor is legally required to file a document with the courts stating that they have advised there client appropriately if they choose to take the legal route, no or only required in separation cases,

That is not to say a Good solicitor will advice there client to be slow to agree Mediation as a means of shacking down a less informed partner who may finish up bearing most of the legal cost as a means of reaching a more favourable settlement for there client,
 
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I think your spouse has made it very clear she wants a divorce so you need to do the following things

Decide what you want in the future as a parent. Do you want to have your children live with you and take a full 50% parenting responsibility? If so your needs will be housing for you and your spouse that is suitable for your children to live in. This may be the costliest part of the divorce so give it plenty of thought.
Keep a record of all your current expenditure with receipts so that you can show how much of your income you are investing in the family.
Start saving for the divorce, assume €10k minimum.
Hire a solicitor and get advice.
Get counselling for yourself. You need to let a lot of the negativity towards your wife go.
Each party will come out of the divorce poorer and in a poorer financial position, so you need to be realistic on what you will need your money for in the future.
Continue to be a parent to your children now while this is all playing out. Do you screen the second level students from the turmoil enough?
 
Clamball said:
Decide what you want in the future as a parent. Do you want to have your children live with you and take a full 50% parenting responsibility? If so your needs will be housing for you and your spouse that is suitable for your children to live in. This may be the costliest part of the divorce so give it plenty of thought.
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By costliest part do you mean extra legal cost to be incurred by Cruzer123 I don't think that is what you mean but i could be wrong
taking a position of wanting 50/50 parenting can also lead to a fairer split of assets and a lot fairer outcome/ agreement leaving both parents children on option to live with whichever parent the so wish to in the future,

No partner should think it is ok for the other partner to get locked into becoming a mum or dad for a few hrs each week, looking for 50/50 parenting can often lead to a partner who is reluctant to engage in Mediation to see the value of getting involved in mediation to reach a fairer settlement for all concerned,
 
bkenn14 said:
Clubman
Are solicitors no longer required by Law to discuss the possibility of mediation as a means of reaching a solution
or is this requirement only apply to seperation cases and not in divorce settlements,
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No idea. But, either way, the uptake of separation/divorce mediation seems to be very low.
bkenn14 said:
A solicitor is legally required to file a document with the courts stating that they have advised there client appropriately if they choose to take the legal route, no or only required in separation cases,
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I don't recall any such documents in my separation and divorce cases.
 
bkenn14 said:
By costliest part do you mean extra legal cost to be incurred by Cruzer123
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I think the point is that, if custody and parenting are to be shared 50/50 even though the parents are living apart, then both parents need to have a home which can accommodate the children not as visitors, but as their home (or one of their homes). So, depending on the size of the family, both parents will need to have e.g. a four-bedroomed home (or larger). Which means the family's aggregate housing costs are going to rise by a large amount as a consequence of the split, and this will shape and constrain the financial settlement that is possible.
 
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Cruzer123
In relation to Refusing to go for Mediation and you are been put off by a google search showing only 1% only go trough Mediation,
Google Mediation Act 2017 And Family Law,
This will show several midia reports but the one you are most interested in is from the law society 20/3/2018 click on it
this will bring you to the Mediation Act 2017 (law society)
Read the key changes all the way to the bottom

Then click read the full article in the march 2018 Gazett,

It makes very interesting reading on how the courts do not take to kindly to partners not engaging in Mediation
all the more so at present because cases are backed up and clogging the system

Having read the artical come back and let us know if you feel a little better about how the family courts work in recent times,
Clubman
Mediation should have been mentioned to you
What I undestand is when the Judicial Separation act was brought in first there was a requirement which I already posted about in Relation to Mediation it is my understanding this stayed in place until the 2017 act was passed,

If you google and read the Mediation Act 2017 You will see the requirements your self and what the outcome may be for not engaging in Mediation if one partner wants it (I am not making it up it is there for anyone to read if they are interested in doing so which I suspect Cruzer may be, Which is the reason I posted for Cruzer123 to read up on,

Hopefully it will bring down cost for the separating partners and help free up Valuable Court Time win win for all at a very stressful time for all concerned,
Hopefully Cruzer123 will come back and let the forum know if he found it helpful,
 
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bkenn14 said:
It makes very interesting reading on how the courts do not take to kindly to partners not engaging in Mediation
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For my separation (2011) and eventual divorce (last year) mediation was never mentioned, we negotiated via our legal teams, and the judge/court didn't have any problem making the two agreements official because mediation wasn't used.
 
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