Separation and arrangements for custody - mother wants sole custody

[Susie2017]

Hi. A relatives marriage has broken down, beyond repair. They like many others continue to cohabit. He has mental health issues which have made their marriage difficult. He is on medication for same. She wishes to now formally separate. However her main concern relates to custody. He is quite unstable psychologically. Can be ok somedays but mostly is distant, lacks any focus, gets easily distracted and stressed and is not "present" in the moment he often just sits staring into space. Says very little and doesnt engage meaningfully with kids or with her. He avoids parental duties and responsibilities. Regularly disappears with an excuse to be gone for an hour and might not come back for the whole day. Phone is always uncontactable which he blames on coverage. Some of this may be medication related. She doesnt know. He refuses to go to the GP despite threatening suicide on several occasions when he gets stressed out. They have two small kids. She is most concerned that a judge could grant him unsupervised access. She has never left the kids with him for longer than 20 mins and even then she is freaking out to get home as she knows how he can get distracted and wander off outside to his car or make a phone call while the toddlers could be climbing out a window etc. Fact is he would not be a safe guardian of the kids. Could a judge agree to this in light of his mental health difficulties ? Anyone any experience of custody arrangements. I thought they are usually joint arrangements ?

 

[Thirsty]

So let me make sure I have the basics right here.

The couple are separated but living at the same address.

Has this arrangement been in place for at least one year?

Is there documentary evidence to support this living arrangement? Separate bank accounts for example.

Have they discussed arrangements in regards to the family home, pensions, child maintenance?

Is the partner in employment?

Is there medical or other evidence (police reports for example) to prove that he is not a fit parent? Has he been violent? Has he been arrested? Criminal convictions? Proven illegal drug use?

For one parent to be given sole custody of children, generally requires the other parent to be declared unfit, and it is, rightly, a very high bar.

The most usual arrangement (all other things being equal) is that parents are granted joint custody with one parent being the primary day to day carer.

So your friends choices are
1. Do nothing, continue as they are.
2. Start talking, go to mediation, try to come to an agreement. Once you have agreement, this can be written up into a JS
3. Apply for a JS and let judge decide.

 

[Susie2017]

Yes living at same address. Marriage over approx 3 years. Separate bank accounts. He could move back home. No discussion re pensions they would both have their own schemes. No discussions re child maintenance that I know of. Yes both work full time outside of home. There was I believe one recorded incident of Gardai being called but she did not apply to court for protection order (despite advice to do so). There are no convictions or illicit drug use. He is on several tablets for his nerves though. So mediation is best approach and draw up agreement there in relation to all of the above. Funny thing is I think he might actually be amenable to her having total custody with him having visitation rights. He is not able for the stress of the kids at all. I will advise her re mediation first.

 

[Thirsty]

" having total custody with him having visitation rights"

As previous reply, the most likely outcome is joint custody with one parent being primary carer. Based on what you've said it would be my belief that's what will be on the JS. Sole custody is rare where the parents were married.