Secret wedding- would you be offended if not invited

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newbiehelp

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Hey

Question…. Would you be angry if not invited your children’s or siblings wedding or would you accept it’s the couples choice and up to them if they wanted a quiet affair with no fuss?

Families in different counties; several family members unable to travel etc, even if we only invite immediate family it will turn into a bigger affair than we want !

It seems a choice of offend everyone or offend one side of the family …. Or end up having a day that we don’t want just to please everyone???

Happy to announce it afterwards but just want a fuss free, stress free ceremony / day that suits us as a couple.
 
I found out that my sister was getting married an hour before the ceremony.... She and her partner had gone on holiday to Bermuda (which I knew about) and had arranged to hold their wedding there.

I felt aggrieved at the time, but that didn't last.
We wouldn't be close, which might have a bearing!

OP, I would do what you want to do, don't try to please everyone because it never works out.
 
I’d be very upset if it was kept secret and I only became aware after the event.

But if my son told me he was going to get married in private and without any fuss, I could understand that.
 
The plan is to have a ceremony in the registry office, go for a nice meal … done and dusted.

Neither of us have ever had parties for any big life events .. and anytime we have to go to a wedding we always say all the fuss is not for us

We’ve been together so long, it’s only to make it official, the actual day itself is a minor detail.

So now after the few responses, would you be offended more by:
A) being told after the event
B) being told before the event but then not being invited

The aim is not to hurt anyone but just to make it a nice stress-free day for us both
 
Tell all relevant parties well before the event and explain your rationale. Once they understand they'll be delighted for you both and understand why no big fuss.

Telling them after the event they'll feel slighted and genuinely will feel relegated as also rans.
 

Option A is best.
Once it is done everyone will accept it (even if a few are initially disappointed). If you inform them beforehand you will open it all up for discussion with more room for some to be disgruntled and subsequent hard feelings.

Been there and done that (option A), by the way.

My only caveat is that it has to truly be a joint decision - without pressure.
 
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I got married with just two people there, either do it that way with minimum number or invite all the close family that should be invited.

I feel I would be hurt more so than angry to be not told/invited if other people are if the relationship is the same as such. It's a fine line! If there are children then I think you could limit it to just them and no need for siblings etc. Be bad though to leave your own kids out if you have them.
 
newbiehelp said:
So now after the few responses, would you be offended more by:
A) being told after the event
B) being told before the event but then not being invited
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I’m answering as a parent. Option A would be very hurtful. Option B would be understandable if nobody else was invited either.
ClubMan said:
Do what suits you. If people are offended/angry then that's their problem.
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You can always do what suits you but you can do it in a way that has some regard for the people you love. It just takes a bit of bravery, diplomacy and assertiveness. Telling people after the event is a bit of a cop-out in my opinion.

You don’t have to consider everyone’s feelings but at a minimum, think about how both sets of parents would feel. If that doesn’t matter to you however, then why would you keep it a secret in the first place.
 
MrEarl said:
It's a personal moment, don't feel that you have to put on a show for everyone else.
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I’d absolutely agree with this but at the same time, it’s something to celebrate. It doesn’t have to lavish or expensive but it’s a big event in anyone’s life,

Life presents a lot of difficulties and challenges. Celebrate the happier moments.
 
If we invite siblings, we would need to invite nieces/nephews andi it would spiral into the big wedding we don’t want…

We also have elderly/frail parents in 2 different parts of the country…neither would be able to travel to the other location, so wherever we pick we are essentially inviting only one set of parents …. Kinder to invite none so as not to hurt the others?

Even a short trip out / hospital appointment etc for either parents usually involves a lot of forward planning and is usually stressful for all involved. We both feel an invite would cause a huge amount of stress for all parties ahead of the event and on the day itself ….

We are both mature adults, together longer than most marriages last. If the ‘wedding day’ was important to us, we would have had the day out year’s ago.

What’s important to us now is the ‘marriage’ and making it legal…. We both want minimum fuss and stress without spending a fortune… which is why we wanted to do it with just ourselves….

We would both understand if not invited to a wedding in similar circumstances as we both believe people are entitled to choose what suits them …. But not everyone thinks this way …

Who knew it would be such a minefield
 
Back in the day, I was a young altar boy. Perhaps once a year a couple would get married in the sacristy between Sunday Masses and without guests. Even, back then I respected the couples choice and to this day I still do. For the record it was usually older couples that did this. Come to think of it, it was a beautiful way to get married.
 
I’d get married abroad and tell them all afterwards .

Is Gretna Green still open for business?

Back in the day couples went to Rome to avoid the fuss of a big wedding. It seems less hurtful that not being invited down to grand canals street at lunchtime.
 
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