Protecting my finances and getting married

G

grimfandango

Registered User
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7
I would like to marry my partner however I have already been through one relationship split that weighed heavily on my finances. Luckily in that instance we weren't married. I would like to protect myself in future. I'm aware pre-nuptual agreements don't have any basis in law in Ireland so I am wondering what other options do I have. I have a lot to lose (house, savings, pension etc) whereas my partner has nothing to lose.

I'm sad that I'm even thinking like this (and I'm sure people will tell me I'm being selfish) but I saw first hand how people can turn when things go wrong.
 
grimfandango said:
I would like to marry my partner however I have already been through one relationship split that weighed heavily on my finances. Luckily in that instance we weren't married. I would like to protect myself in future. I'm aware pre-nuptual agreements don't have any basis in law in Ireland so I am wondering what other options do I have. I have a lot to lose (house, savings, pension etc) whereas my partner has nothing to lose.

I'm sad that I'm even thinking like this (and I'm sure people will tell me I'm being selfish) but I saw first hand how people can turn when things go wrong.
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If you cohabit your partner can make a claim on your assets.

In the eyes of the law they are your common law husband/wife.
 
grimfandango said:
I would like to marry my partner however I have already been through one relationship split that weighed heavily on my finances. Luckily in that instance we weren't married. I would like to protect myself in future. I'm aware pre-nuptual agreements don't have any basis in law in Ireland so I am wondering what other options do I have. I have a lot to lose (house, savings, pension etc) whereas my partner has nothing to lose.

I'm sad that I'm even thinking like this (and I'm sure people will tell me I'm being selfish) but I saw first hand how people can turn when things go wrong.
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If she is full aware of the extent of your wealth I don’t see much you can do. Maybe get advise from a divorce lawyer.
 
Hi Grimfandango, You've been hurt and it's obvious the hurt is continuing, but look at it this way (please don't think I'm belittling your situation) it's only money that you've lost. I don't care what amount, or what you did to earn it, at the end of the day it's only money.

I know the title of this forum is Askaboutmoney, but there are far more important things. What's in the past, leave it there, otherwise you'll tie yourself up inside.
 
Similar situation here.. I was married before and lost a lot in the divorce.
10 years on, I am back on my feet, I have a house, savings etc.
Have been seeing somebody a few years that is renting, low paid and has a kid from her previous marriage.
I have exactly the same concerns as the poster.
My choices are to not take the relationship forward to the next step and risk break up and becoming old and single.
Or risk moving her in and if things go wrong, risk losing half my wealth.
She does not know my true financial situation and to "be honest" I would probably not tell her until many more years into the relationship.
Having been through divorce and massive financial loss before, it is a really tough choice! I dont know what I will do either but will be certainly watching out for the replies on this post!
 
Lads seriously. If you that reluctant to trust your partners after going through a divorce, then either end the relationships or get counselling to deal with it. But lying, hiding stuff and mis trusting each other will kill the relationship and will just lead to more misery.
 
Fortunately I do not have first hand experience, but having witnessed close up the destructive effects (emotional and financial) of an acrimonious divorce, I can understand the posters' concerns. I have no idea as to how their personal affairs can be set up to protect against the more egregious financial outcomes, but I would suggest that any proposals need to be shared now with prospective future partners. If you are seriously considering marriage then the relationship needs to be strong enough to discuss your hesitancy now and share openly any protective plan you are considering. This may make or break - but surely this is the best stage for that?

Also, most relationships do not end in this kind of disaster (even if they should break down). So lightning is unlikely to strike twice.
 
Early Riser said:
So lightning is unlikely to strike twice.
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hm...wouldn't be too sure.

www.psychologytoday.com

The High Failure Rate of Second and Third Marriages

Why are second and third marriages more likely to fail?
www.psychologytoday.com www.psychologytoday.com

Anyway to answer the OPs question, the best way to protect your (perceived) wealth is to keep it all to yourself and not share anything.

However, as my Mother would say, there's no pockets in a shroud.
 
This will probably sound harsh but if I scalded my hand by dipping it into hot water I would not do it a second time. Always amazed me about all those people advocating to allow divorce in Ireland back in the day, went straight out and got married again as soon as they could. I think the OP is spot on with his concerns just a pity there is very little they can do to try and sort it out.
 
elcato said:
Always amazed me about all those people advocating to allow divorce in Ireland back in the day, went straight out and got married again as soon as they could.
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No.

Ireland still has a very low divorce and remarriage rate.

I have in-laws who finally divorced after 17 years separation. Where else would you find that?
 
elcato said:
This will probably sound harsh but if I scalded my hand by dipping it into hot water I would not do it a second time. Always amazed me about all those people advocating to allow divorce in Ireland back in the day, went straight out and got married again as soon as they could. I think the OP is spot on with his concerns just a pity there is very little they can do to try and sort it out.
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Using that logic, why would you dip your hand in hot water the first time? Not like the fact that finances are shared when you get married or in long term relationship are a surprise to anyone. If people can't accept that, then maybe they need to decide that a single life is best for them and there is nothing wrong with that. There are always special websites and places to visit where you can spend your money if you do get lonely and where the cost is clear upfront.
 
Sunny said:
Using that logic, why would you dip your hand in hot water the first time?
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No it's not anything like that. When they initially put the hand in it was nice and warm and felt good.
Sunny said:
Not like the fact that finances are shared when you get married or in long term relationship are a surprise to anyone.
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Again, everyone knows that. It's the aftermath when it has to be shared and how both parties perceive that is what the problem is.
 
elcato said:
No it's not anything like that. When they initially put the hand in it was nice and warm and felt good.

Again, everyone knows that. It's the aftermath when it has to be shared and how both parties perceive that is what the problem is.
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It's the same water the 2nd time around as well. Feels just as good I am sure. The water could end up scalding you first time, second time, third time. Everyone knows that. If they don't, they are not ready for marriage. I remember pre-marriage courses and money was the main discussion point as everyone knew it was the main area of conflict. There is no excuse for getting married with your eyes not wide open in this day and age. The law is very clear. Especially when it comes to kids.

The idea that you can be married to someone and they don't know how rich you are or you are hiding money from or you are suspicious of your wife's motives around your money or you don't trust you wife is nonsensical. It is not a marriage. It is an one sided arrangement. It is disrespectful. If divorce has left you scarred and with those issues, then don't get married and potentially make another person's life miserable with your secrecy and mis-trust. Or else get help dealing with your concerns. Both as an individual or as a couple. And make a decision if you can move forward then.
 
elcato said:
And where is this Utopia you talk of Sunny ?
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What utopia? There are more happy marriages where couples are clear and happy to share everything including money than failed marriages where one person tries to screw another. You decide to get married, there are certain things that go with it. One of the things that goes is complete financial independence. You each made a commitment to each other. You dont want to that then that's ok. I have seen people get divorced. I have friends that have done it amicably and I have friends that spent thousands in legal fees just to ensure that their ex didnt get an extra 1000 because one person bought the top of the range oven out of their pay cheque.

Divorce can be ugly. It can be costly. It can be stressful. The only way you can guarantee not to go through ut is not to get married. It's to not end up in a relationship with shared assets like houses. Its to not have a family. Going into a marriage lying about your finances and not trusting your partner will not save you from that.
 
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