Options for home help for elderly parents

It’s needs not ability to pay that determines the allocation, especially when there’s a shortage.

We found the GP letter helpful as he explained that my father was waiting for an Alzheimer’s diagnosis and unable to assess his own needs. This meant the phn could read between the lines when dad said he was well able to shower and dress himself and often cooked meals. He never cooked and was unable to manage washing and dressing but sounded absolutely fine. The go letter helped explain.

A neighbour was a total racist b and regularly shouted racist abuse at her carers. They didn’t like it but largely ignored it as they understood that it was her disease. Well they never met her before the disease took over, frankly she was always like that. They have thick skins and good training

Aggressive dog that might attack is a different matter. She might struggle to get help

Annieindublin said:

But I don’t think it’s related to not having a medical card. My parents don’t have one either.

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I know. It's just a feeling that I have, that because it's a rural area they have a good idea who can afford to pay for things and who can't.

Oh dear, that's unfortunate with your mother sabotaging the situation! All my badgering was done with the PHN, not the GP. I also got the geriatric consultant to do a referral to the Psychiatry of Later Life team. The nurse and OT from that team actually did a home visit and wrote a risk report which also went back to the GP and PHN. They were very professional and helpful. Despite all that, the hours allocation was not increased.

My mother has an alarm on her wrist which she never remembers to use. We've heard about falls from neighbours where she called them but not us! She doesn't want us coming all the way from Dublin. I have called the home care coordinator's number several times and never get through. I will keep at it though. I'll take any help I can get.

I explained clearly to the GP that we were all ready to help in an emergency but had jobs and families. They are well used to people claiming they are independent and don’t want outsiders etc.

Unfortunately those who make a better case for support may well get it. Where families piece it together themselves and take time off work etc the services will ignore.

And 3 of us live locally. We are trying to get to a place where we provide some care, but the stuff like outings and shopping. Not the essential day to day care. It can be difficult but having 2 of them helps as it’s not as lonely. Dad’s last stint in hospital was tough, aside from visiting him we also had to help mum and bring her in and out of the hospital for visits. It was a full time job!

The cost to the state of supporting people in a nursing home is massive. There has been a real push in the past few years to keep seniors in their own homes as long as possible.

I've gone through this with my mother a couple of years ago (she's passed now) so maybe my lessons learnt will help. Apologies if some of these will seem a bit abrupt but sometimes in this situation, there is no easy way of saying things.

• Your PHN can be your lifeline, they know how to pay the game, know the right words to put on forms and in general are fantastic. Build a relationship and keep on their good side. Remember, 99 times out of a hundred, it won't be there fault and they don't need you venting.
• PHN will also help you getting things like commodes, beds with rails etc.
• GP's are also great at supporting, again, build up a rapport, most of them will provide whatever letter is needed and know how to word it.
• If you need a care package, never, ever, ever sign off on taking someone home until that package is in place. I don't care what the doctors or bed managers say. if you need to be awkard, (in a nice way), be awkard. Distance, work, kids etc etc are all valid reasons to push back, as is work needed to prep the house. Once you are out of the hospital and not taking up a bed, in my experience, you go way down the list as they think you can cope since you took them home.
• Whilst the mind is sound, put in place what you need to do on a POA, wills etc. That can actually be an ease to an elderly person's mind in that they know they won't have to worry about that. Make sure the entire family involved in supporting the parent have full visability of all of this, it avoids rows down the line
• IF you can. ensure one of you are at any doctors meetings with the parent/relative. Claim hearing issues or whatever. A lot of elderly people think if they don't tell people, those people won't have to worry about things and also they fear becoming a burden. It's understandable that they think that way, but it doesn't help. But the family need to know what is happening and coming down the line.
• Respite care is a God send and can actually be a way of slowly introducing an elderly person to a care home.
• Have a chat with the local priest, they can be very good for house calls if needed. Most churches have web cams these days so getting daily mass on the telly can be both an ease to the person, but also gives the family carer 30-45 minutes to do other things, even if it only to have a shower.
• There are organisations that do local "panic button" systems, PHN should be able to advice.

External carers can be a mixed bag in my experience. My sister was my Mam's full time carer during the week with me covering weekends. What we found was that we needed the external support, not to do things with Mam, but to allow one of us to get out, do the shopping, go to the bank, go for a walk or just get a coffee and a scone. It can be about the carers mental wellbeing as anything else