Marriage over - feel in a financial mess - advice needed.

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Marcone

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My marriage is over, and as well as the psychological pain, I feel in a financial mess. I feel all over the place.The sad thing about this separation is that we have an 18 month old daughter. Without getting into too much detail, my wife (who is from another country) never settled in Ireland and complained all the time. Life was becoming more miserable (for both) as time went on. I thought that the absence of a child was the missing piece for her. We had the child, and to be honest she is even more miserable since, because she has to mind the child 'on her own' most of the time, when I work. She has never worked in Ireland, or ever tried to make an effort to integrate. Anyway, the marriage is over. So, counselling etc is not an option anymore.

What I am wondering is? She is not used to working now, and she wants to move back to her home country with our child. How am I going to support them? She is looking for more maintenance than I can afford. There is little or no social welfare in her home country.

No2. We have a house worth about 250k, with about 40 equity in it. It is in both our names. I will not be able to keep up the mortgage repayments and pay maintenance to her. If we sell the house, I will not get another mortgage as I am nearly 50 and my credit rating is not great as I settled a debt a few years ago. She has never worked in four years and I really resent having to pay to keep her when she goes back to Poland. I would do anything for my child though, and am willing to pay whatever is fair.
 
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Sad story.

Try to remove the emotion/psychology parts.

Comes down to practicalities.

Can you both sit down and go through the sums?
1. As things stand you can afford all upkeeps.
2. If you sell , have you both somewhere to live long term
3. How much do you need to live on ?
4. Does the toddler stay with you or wife ? and the costs of caring for her if you are @ work.
5. If she and toddler leave , have you full access and how much can you afford in upkeep?

It appears from what you have posted that your income just cannot support 2 homes.

Comes down to the sums.
I wish the 3 of you well.
 
Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it.
The reality is that my income cannot suddenly support two homes. My wife wants 1400 a month, and I cannot afford
to give her that. I'm just afraid that if she doesn't work when she goes back to Poland (she has some health issues) that my child will suffer. That is my biggest worry. She has a place to live over there with her parents, where they will be safe at least.
My concern is, what will happen if I don't give her what she needs to live (which I cannot)?
I think that access won't be an issue.
 
If you can,t afford 1400 then its down to what you can reasonably afford.
Really show her the SUMS and come to an (amicable) arrangement .
I would think an agreed 3rd party could help you both.

If it ends up in (uncivil war) all 3 of you lose .

Bite your tongue if need be !
 
The average monthly wage in Poland is €750 so €1400 per month sounds like a lot if she does not need to pay for accommodation.

Can you get a lodger in? You will also need to factor in flight costs to see your child.

I also don't believe she can take the child to live in another country without your consent.
 
XMarks said:
The average monthly wage in Poland is €750 so €1400 per month sounds like a lot if she does not need to pay for accommodation.

Can you get a lodger in? You will also need to factor in flight costs to see your child.

I also don't believe she can take the child to live in another country without your consent.
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I spoke to a Polish girl this morning after reading this and mentioned the above to her. She told me that professionals in Poland would be earning the above money but it would be well up the scale at that amount, people not having a degree or 3rd level education wouldn't have a hope of earning that amount of money. Would she be entitled to children's allowance as well? I do feel for you and in fairness i'd only be worried for your child. Why don't you want to keep the child yourself, because I get the impression from your post that she's not altogether happy having it? I could be very wrong and apologise if i'm reading it that way, but letting your daughter go with your ex who was miserable over here with the child wouldn't in my mind be best for the child. I'd fight for custody of the little girl and I think it might make your ex change her attitude as well. At €1400.00 a month in Poland she'd be able to live an extremely good life indeed.
 
I would be looking at "rent a room relief" to help you out here.

Generate €12k a year by taking tenants in. That won't be taxable. In effect, pay her that (i.e. €1,000 a month).

Then formalise your separation so the maintenance payments become tax deductible for you. Yes they would be taxable for her but she'd have a low income and be non resident.

The net effect will be the €1,000 a month probably costing you about €750 because of the tax deductibility of the maintenance payments.

That would be my advice anyway.

- Negotiate a lower payment to her. €1,000 should be enough.
- Avail of rent a room relief.
- Get a tax break for the maintenance.

Best of luck and sorry to hear about the breakup.
 
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Yeah, it is more than I can afford anyway. I will not let the child go without a solid access plan in place. She is a good mother and I believe that at this age the child would he better off with a full time mother than being minded by a number of my family and minders.
Also to be honest, I don't want my ex to change her mind about leaving. Our relationship is toxic (for want of a better expression) at this stage,and we have to split for the sake of our sanity. It is strange and heartbreaking, but in a weird way it is a huge relief for me. My wife never worked or never acknowledged how hard I worked to keep the ship afloat. Just constant nagging about the hours I put in. Some marriages are not worth saving, and mine is one of those.
 
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Firstly Marcone - As has been suggested, seek mediation and try to reach an amicable solution regarding maintenance.

Secondly -

Marcone said:
She is not used to working now, and she wants to move back to her home country with our child. How am I going to support them? She is looking for more maintenance than I can afford. There is little or no social welfare in her home country.
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(F) Maintenance

Similar to domestic violence situations, it is possible to apply to court solely for maintenance. Where judicial separation or divorce proceedings have been issued, either spouse can also seek maintenance in the context of those proceedings. Maintenance can be claimed for dependant children and by a spouse personally, if that spouse is financially dependant on the other spouse). In such cases maintenance is generally ordered by the court to be paid on an ‘interim’ or temporary basis until the judicial separation or divorce proceedings are concluded. The level of maintenance which will be awarded on an interim basis will be dependent on the financial circumstances that exist at the time the application is made. However that ‘interim’ maintenance will be reviewed when the case is dealt with at a final hearing, at which time maintenance may be varied depending upon the overall financial settlement agreed by the spouses or ordered by the court.

Make no changes now, either seek mediation and try to resolve this issue or hire a solicitor.

Your wife was dependent on you here, but if she moves back to Poland then why can't she then get a job?

Take a few days, take a deep breath, you only earn x amount - that will be taken into account, make no changes at the moment, get advice first, but you seem to think that because she's "not used to working", that this entitles her to never work again.
 
Gordon Gekko said:
I would be looking at "rent a room relief" to help you out here.

Generate €12k a year by taking tenants in. That won't be taxable. In effect, pay her that (i.e. €1,000 a month).

Then formalise your separation so the maintenance payments become tax deductible for you. Yes they would be taxable for her but she'd have a low income and be non resident.

The net effect will be the €1,000 a month probably costing you about €750 because of the tax deductibility of the maintenance payments.

That would be my advice anyway.

- Negotiate a lower payment too her. €1,000 should be enough.
- Avail of rent a room relief.
- Get a tax break for the maintenance.

Best of luck and sorry to hear about the breakup.
Click to expand...

Ingenious by Gordon and if this went to plan ( getting her to accept 1000 and getting a tenant to pay 1000) you would be financially in positive territory at least ( via tax relief on maintenance of 1000)
 
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