From the king of the one-liner, Tommy Coope

A

anthonybernard

Guest
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school
bags, he's bisatchel.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said
"You're closest".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her
up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catholic converter.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
 
Legend!

A few more...

I was in love with this woman once. Beautiful long blond hair all down her back. None on her head mind...

I went shopping for a pair of camoflague trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two cannibals were eating a clown and one says to the other "does this taste funny to you?".

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?". He said "It depends where you're calling from.".

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?". And a voice said "You are."

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that was nice.

My wife and I were happy and content for 25 years. Then we met. (May have been Les Dawson).
 
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
 
These two elephants walk off a cliff...
BOOM! BOOM!
:rollin
 
Not sure if it's a Tommy Cooper one but...

I arrived home late the other night and the wife said to me "Drunk again?". And I said "Funny that, so am I!".
 
Two or more liners...

I hurt my back playing jockey back with my ten year old son last night!
I fell off!

I was cleaning out the attic over the weekend. I found an old violin and an oil painting! Brought them to Sotheby's. The man said I had a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt!
Unfortunately, he said...
Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt couldn't make violins!
 
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