S
stobear
Guest
Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted.
The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal
scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring
either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!
*******************************************************
Dougal- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us,
except its a big jam made out of old women.
*******************************************************
Policeman- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200
pound
fine, or it's a night in the cells
Ted- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on
them, and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a
better option
Policeman- (Nods his head)
Dougal- Ted....
Ted- Shutup Dougal
Dougal- No Ted....
Ted- I told you to shutup Dougal
Dougal- I was just going to say that....
Ted- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money) Here's your
blood money. But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when
the
police of
this country were friends of the church! Drink
driving
charges quashed, parkingtickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned
to
the odd
murder! But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking
Dougal) Ted Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the
bet!
Well I did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made
me
look like a complette idiot in front of many people. Thank you so
much.
Dougal- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I
was just going to say that your that your fly is open.
*******************************************************
Dougal- Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips,
and a glass of Coke thanks.
Policeman- Do you know where you are? Your in a police station.
Dougal- Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay
Chicken.
*******************************************************
Dougal- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Ted- And how are we going to do that?
Dougal- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press
and......oh.
Ted- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down
there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo
paraphinalia at all.
Dougal- Damn. So near, yet so far.
*******************************************************
Dougal- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say
there's about 17 Million of them out there.
*******************************************************
Ted: Dougal, have we any incense?
Dougal: Em...there was a spider in the bath...
*******************************************************
Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.
*******************************************************
Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all
day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.
*******************************************************
Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at
fashion they had to shoot him?
*******************************************************
Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop
Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
*******************************************************
Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in
black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
*******************************************************
Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You
can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?
*******************************************************
Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's
moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together
we'd get....Pat
Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more
than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.
*******************************************************
Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at
Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.
*******************************************************
Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary
film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it
wasn't even a
scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that
isn't scary, I don't know what is.
*******************************************************
Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a
term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.
*******************************************************
Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's
Lot?
*******************************************************
Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.
*******************************************************
Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who artin heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that
time you said that I could praise him just by leaving
the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one!
*******************************************************
John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a
pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the
uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.
*******************************************************
Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found
a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who
would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing
jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.
*******************************************************
Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought.
Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from
England
last year.
He touched it - and he grew a beard!
Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class
1.
Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back
to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.
*******************************************************
Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to
plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the
window) are far away...
*******************************************************
Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I
realise now that you meant that in a sort! of Al Pacino way.
Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie
Andrews.
*******************************************************
Dougal: God, I've never seen a clock at 5a.m. before!
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted.
The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal
scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring
either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!
*******************************************************
Dougal- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us,
except its a big jam made out of old women.
*******************************************************
Policeman- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200
pound
fine, or it's a night in the cells
Ted- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on
them, and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a
better option
Policeman- (Nods his head)
Dougal- Ted....
Ted- Shutup Dougal
Dougal- No Ted....
Ted- I told you to shutup Dougal
Dougal- I was just going to say that....
Ted- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money) Here's your
blood money. But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when
the
police of
this country were friends of the church! Drink
driving
charges quashed, parkingtickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned
to
the odd
murder! But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking
Dougal) Ted Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the
bet!
Well I did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made
me
look like a complette idiot in front of many people. Thank you so
much.
Dougal- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I
was just going to say that your that your fly is open.
*******************************************************
Dougal- Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips,
and a glass of Coke thanks.
Policeman- Do you know where you are? Your in a police station.
Dougal- Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay
Chicken.
*******************************************************
Dougal- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Ted- And how are we going to do that?
Dougal- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press
and......oh.
Ted- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down
there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo
paraphinalia at all.
Dougal- Damn. So near, yet so far.
*******************************************************
Dougal- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say
there's about 17 Million of them out there.
*******************************************************
Ted: Dougal, have we any incense?
Dougal: Em...there was a spider in the bath...
*******************************************************
Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.
*******************************************************
Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all
day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.
*******************************************************
Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at
fashion they had to shoot him?
*******************************************************
Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop
Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
*******************************************************
Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in
black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
*******************************************************
Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You
can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?
*******************************************************
Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's
moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together
we'd get....Pat
Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more
than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.
*******************************************************
Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at
Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.
*******************************************************
Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary
film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it
wasn't even a
scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that
isn't scary, I don't know what is.
*******************************************************
Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a
term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.
*******************************************************
Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's
Lot?
*******************************************************
Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.
*******************************************************
Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who artin heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that
time you said that I could praise him just by leaving
the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one!
*******************************************************
John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a
pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the
uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.
*******************************************************
Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found
a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who
would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing
jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.
*******************************************************
Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought.
Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from
England
last year.
He touched it - and he grew a beard!
Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class
1.
Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back
to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.
*******************************************************
Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to
plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the
window) are far away...
*******************************************************
Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I
realise now that you meant that in a sort! of Al Pacino way.
Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie
Andrews.
*******************************************************
Dougal: God, I've never seen a clock at 5a.m. before!