During My Access with the kids

GreenBoy

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4
My ex continually rings our kids during my access with the kids. If the kids ever want to speak to her during my weekend or holiday periods I always let them call without fail, but she always says to them when I am picking them up... "Will I call you every day when you're away?", which of course the kids will always answer, "yeah" as it's such a leading question. It is an invasion of my time with them. This is also against the backdrop of me having tried but failed to be allowed to talk to the kids at all when it is not my access time with them. They've also been denied the opportunity to speak to me when they have been on holidays. Is there a legal position on this? Or should I simply put a stop to it (notwithstanding when the kids actually express a desire to talk to their mum when with me).
 

noproblem

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My ex continually rings our kids during my access with the kids. If the kids ever want to speak to her during my weekend or holiday periods I always let them call without fail, but she always says to them when I am picking them up... "Will I call you every day when you're away?", which of course the kids will always answer, "yeah" as it's such a leading question. It is an invasion of my time with them. This is also against the backdrop of me having tried but failed to be allowed to talk to the kids at all when it is not my access time with them. They've also been denied the opportunity to speak to me when they have been on holidays. Is there a legal position on this? Or should I simply put a stop to it (notwithstanding when the kids actually express a desire to talk to their mum when with me).
Apart from the children wanting to speak with her, you don't have to answer her phone calls, do you?
 

GreenBoy

New Member
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Is she stopping you ringing your children when they are with her?
Yes, unfortunately she has. Over the last few years I have repeatedly tried to set up a recurring weekly call at times when I am not seeing the children, but that has been ignored or refused. Whilst on her holiday with the kids (10+ days) for the last two years she has let me speak to the kids for only a few minutes. Aside from the fact I don't mind her speaking to the kids every few days, she makes multiple attempts to contact them every day. On a recent visit to my parents, she rang when we were watching a movie so I missed the call. She then rang and texted my father and rang the landline to get a response. It's inappropriate, I would have thought. My access is unfortunately limited to one afternoon and every second weekend.
 

Bronte

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Why don't you turn the phones off and ignore the landline ringing. When you go on a trip with the children don't bring any phones with you. What age are the children?
 

Sunny

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It is unreasonable and I have heard it happen before. Ignoring the calls didn't work then as you are usually dealing with an irrational person. In my friends case, when he ignored the calls, she then hounded his family and friends. She rang the guards at one stage (who had to call around but then went away as quickly but they still called when he minding the children) and then threatened my friend with taking away his access because she didn't couldn't be sure the kids were safe. It was completely irrational but unfortunately for some men, it is the mother who holds most of the power. In my friends case he actually became terrified of her and losing access and stopped thinking clearly and his health and work suffered. In the end we had to get him to talk to a solicitor. He advised to keep a diary of the times she rang, refused to allow him speak to the kids etc. They then went back to court and got the custody agreement reopened. She is now only allowed once in the evening to speak to the kids when they are with him apart from emergencies and the arrangement applies to him as well she has the kids. Of course, once that issue was dealt with, it became about something else.

The fear of losing access to your kids is the worst thing in the world but try not to overthink it. My advice would be get legal advice. No point trying to deal with her directly. She is obviously the type that doesn't value your relationship with the children and will use them as a weapon. If you have a formal legal agreement, then revisit it with your solicitor or at least tell her that is what you are going to do and see if it changes her behaviour.
 

Thirsty

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@Purple well bless your eye sight.

If this is the question - " Is there a legal position on this?"

Then the answer is No
 

Peanuts20

Registered User
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Reading through this and mention of irrational people and legal options 2 things jumped out at me. Firstly this is an over-protective mother and why is she so over-protective when you have the kids. ? I presume it is going back to the split but you need to step back and honestly consider her concerns and if they are justified and if they are, then what can you do about them.

Secondly, instead of being reactive to her questions about calling, why not try and be proactive instead. At the handover, why not say, ""right kids, we'll call Mammy tonight at 6 before we have food and the movie on the telly and you can tell her all about your day". That way she knows when you are going to call (and make sure you do it) and it may give her more reassurance.

Whats so bad about a Mother wanting to talk to her kids and them wanting to talk to her?. The real issue here in my view is not her ringing daily but its the fact that she won't allow you to talk to them daily and perhaps that is what you need to focus on more.
 

Sunny

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Reading through this and mention of irrational people and legal options 2 things jumped out at me. Firstly this is an over-protective mother and why is she so over-protective when you have the kids. ? I presume it is going back to the split but you need to step back and honestly consider her concerns and if they are justified and if they are, then what can you do about them.

Secondly, instead of being reactive to her questions about calling, why not try and be proactive instead. At the handover, why not say, ""right kids, we'll call Mammy tonight at 6 before we have food and the movie on the telly and you can tell her all about your day". That way she knows when you are going to call (and make sure you do it) and it may give her more reassurance.

Whats so bad about a Mother wanting to talk to her kids and them wanting to talk to her?. The real issue here in my view is not her ringing daily but its the fact that she won't allow you to talk to them daily and perhaps that is what you need to focus on more.

Actually there is an issue with constant contact while you it is your time with your children. You haven't experienced it. I have seen fist hand the impact that it can have. I am seen a man taking his kids out for lunch and phone constantly ringing to the extent that is anxious and distracted in front of the kids. I have seen him in his own home trying to spend time with the kids and the phone constantly going with calls and texts. I have seen come out of the cinema with over 20 missed calls and texts less than 2 hours after picking up the kids. I have seen him ignore the phone and turn off the phone only for his mother to drive 20 miles to tell him that his ex wife is ringing them wondering where he is. I have heard him begging on the phone to his ex partner to leave him alone and let him have fun and that he will ring later with the kids. I have heard this so called mother laugh at him and call him pathetic.

Constant ringing is a deliberate attempt to ruin his time with the kids. It is also trying to manipulate the kids. It is bitter, abusive, childish and manipulative. She is a grown adult. No where did anyone say the kids shouldn't be allowed to talk to their mother or the mother to them. The kids can ring her anytime. The mother should respect his relationship enough to leave him alone and ring in the evening before bed. If she is not grown up enough or emotionally mature to see this, then yes you have to go down the legal route as sad and pathetic as it is. The kids are all that matter. When one party is not putting them first and is not respecting the other person's relationship with their kids if they are trying to be a good parent, then they need to called out on it.
 

Bronte

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Whats so bad about a Mother wanting to talk to her kids and them wanting to talk to her?.
Why would you need to talk to your kids if they are being cared for by the other parent.
How did we all live without phones.
How did kids and parents ever manage without children having mobile phones.
Nobody for one second suggested there was anything wrong with a parent wanting to talk with her children. She can do that when the children are in her custody unless it's an emergency. It's not her business what her ex is doing with the kids, where he is with the kids and it's entirely his responsibility to deny the kids the phone when they are with him. I don't know how many times I've taken my youngest's phone this summer, sometimes for days.
 

Purple

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9,053
Reading through this and mention of irrational people and legal options 2 things jumped out at me. Firstly this is an over-protective mother and why is she so over-protective when you have the kids. ? I presume it is going back to the split but you need to step back and honestly consider her concerns and if they are justified and if they are, then what can you do about them.

Secondly, instead of being reactive to her questions about calling, why not try and be proactive instead. At the handover, why not say, ""right kids, we'll call Mammy tonight at 6 before we have food and the movie on the telly and you can tell her all about your day". That way she knows when you are going to call (and make sure you do it) and it may give her more reassurance.

Whats so bad about a Mother wanting to talk to her kids and them wanting to talk to her?. The real issue here in my view is not her ringing daily but its the fact that she won't allow you to talk to them daily and perhaps that is what you need to focus on more.
The issue here seems to be one of control. If this is the way she behaves after they split up then I think there is a strong likelihood that the father was a victim of coercive control during their relationship and she is still doing it, or trying to do it, now.
Unfortunately when men are the victims of this sort of domestic abuse it just doesn't matter.
The scenario outlines by Sunny above is a good example. What it comes down to is the mothers hate for their ex partner and her narcissism means she is willing to hurt their children as long as she is hurting him more.

By the way, in these discussions when someone talks about "my" children rather than "our" children is tells me that they just don't accept that the other parent has just as much of a right to be part of the children's lives and make decisions about them as they do.
 

Bronte

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Unfortunately when men are the victims of this sort of domestic abuse it just doesn't matter.
It does matter Purple. It's just unfortunate that it happens and it doesn't just happen to men, but they do bear the brunt of it as they in general don't get custody. The shared custody model would be the best in my view. OP should record all the times she calls and if he goes to court (hoepfully not) he can ask the judge to make a direction that when the children are with him it is unnecessary for her to call. (obviously if they were away for a week one would expect a catch up call).
 
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