Advice on a relationship issue?

The one thing that stuck out the most for me in this thread was the fact your friend told you about the confrontation in work/called him in. I know they held off for a while but surely if they are employing him this should be between them and him. For his own self worth, this should be the case.
You mention he never appplied for any jobs since getting this one. Firstly you have to give him credit for re-training and giving this a go. But now he's realised he hates the new job so maybe he feels stuck in this new sector as you say his prospects for employment from his old job are slim to none.
Is there any way he could look at other alternatives for retraining in the evenings perhaps? He needs to have some sort of hope for the future
Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
 
Thanks for the replies. Re re-training firstly. When unemployed he did re-train and retrained in this field. At that time there was nothing he wanted to do more then this type of work which is why my friend started giving him some part time work. That then went to full time work - once that happened he started saying that he doesn't want to do this kind of work anymore. I keep asking him what he does actually want to do and he says he doesn't know. Now, I have suggested that he keeps working to keep the bills paid as I do but does some evening training etc in another topic that would interest him - he has shot this down saying that it's too much to work and train.

So.... what to do? if he leaves work we will be in a bad way, no two ways about it - both our relationship and our finances.

If he stays he will get increasingly worse

Re my friend - my friend has let everything slide for a long time. She has been calling him in time and again for meetings and saying nothing to me (he told me the other night that he is called in every two weeks). She spoke to me as she was just so worried at the thoughts of what to do - it had really become a problem for her, she didn't want to fire him but couldn't keep going the way she was. She was at the end of her tether as well.
 
Maybe you are not getting the full story from him. If he did like the job before he went full time something has changed. He could well be depressed as others have stated here.
I think you should encourage him to apply for a new job, even in this current sector. While your friend has his best interests at heart and yours too it might be time to move on. He also needs to get his condidence back and maybe he is avoiding applying for new job in case of rejection. Being unemployed for a long time can't have done his confidence a lot of good.
 
And also you know different people are..........well..... different - a truism but......true. You clearly have a really strong work ethic, lots of get up and go etc. But many, many people don't. They really, really don't. Many members of my own family are maddeningly passive and no amount of positive suggestion, printing off CVs etc is going to change them. In fact it really turns them off and is a niggle in the relationship. It would drive me crazy too. But as other posters have said you have to decide on priorities here - because he may well not change.

I would suggest some family guidance counselling e.g. http://www.accord.ie/marriage_and_relationship_counselling/FAQs/ - I don't think they are too directive religionwise and have sliding scale of costs.
 
OP I can totally see why you are so frustrated and annoyed but I do think that how you are speaking about and what you are saying about your husband shows a lack of respect and a failure to hear his point of view. His performance at work being discussed with you by the friend is bad form as well, youre not his mammy to be told he is being bold in work.

I would hate it if my husband was telling me to just suck it up about a job I despised. I would just feel so demoralised that the one person I expected to support me was just barking orders at me with no consideration of how I felt. Equally I can understand that you want him to pull his weight in the relationship financially, and if he cant tolerate this job he needs to get his finger out and look for something else or consider retraining etc...

I do think you both need to communicate without the anger and resentment.

Why is it just one person in the relationship who seems to be taking on all the feelings of responsibility towards earning money? Why is one person barking 'suck it up' orders at the other? Why is one person working themselves into illness? There is a total imbalance here and you cant be expected to shoulder all the weight of the problems.

I know it sounds totally mad, but could you write down all your issues with him in a letter (politely!) and get him to do the same, then go off and read them - that way you get to listen to him without butting in and vice versa? I think you need to find out whats fundamentally wrong with him that he is so changed and why this is happening. Maybe he is depressed, maybe he just is overwhelmed.

A similar thing happened with my father in law in the 80s. Lost a great job, unemployed for months, his wife arranged a friend to give him work sweeping in a warehouse. He had a nervous breakdown. Loss of status can really hurt a man in the guts.
 
truthseeker said:
OP I know it sounds totally mad, but could you write down all your issues with him in a letter (politely!) and get him to do the same, then go off and read them - that way you get to listen to him without butting in and vice versa? I think you need to find out whats fundamentally wrong with him that he is so changed and why this is happening. Maybe he is depressed, maybe he just is overwhelmed.

A similar thing happened with my father in law in the 80s. Lost a great job, unemployed for months, his wife arranged a friend to give him work sweeping in a warehouse. He had a nervous breakdown. Loss of status can really hurt a man in the guts.
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I think that letter idea is a really really good idea, I know we are in a similar situation but I am just so happy to be able to earn enough to provide for all of us, I dont work any less hours or have any less of a stressful time of it than you but as long as things at home are smooth i dont really care,There are times when i would feel as you do and I can understand the weight of responsibility you are feeling but i can also understand what it looks like from his point of view, Its A very difficult thing to accept that you have no worth from an employment point of view and i know i typed Cvs printed Cvs and thats as far as i could go, Looked on the internet for jobs but if you have a low self esteem its very hard to face someone for the fear of being rejected. Its actually almost impossible to describe or put into words the fear. At Least if it is written down and you sit down to read it, it may make some kind of sense, hope things brighten up soon
 
Thank you for all points of view. I can understand why I probably come across as a nag and somebody just thinking about myself. One thing I haven't mentioned that is really troubling me is the fact that for the past two years he has been at me and at me to have a child. Now, finances over the past two years didn't allow for this but now we are in a better place - or at least I thought we were. I worry now that even though he wants a baby so badly now- he might not be ready for it and I am worried that I'll end up trying to work and pay bills and not have any time to spend with a baby. It's all very confusing.

Just to address the issue with my friend. She approached my husband numerous times and said nothing to me. Now with a number of fairly serious incidents in the last few weeks and him not seeming bothered (health and safety type issues) she just didn't know how to approach it any more and felt that I might be able to help. Right or wrong she genuinely has his best interests at heart- even he accepts this.

I understand that he may well have issues that need to be dealt with although he denies this and keeps pushing to start the family- my resistance to do this is causing more issues but I just feel that even though I'm ready he may not be!

What a mess :(

I'm rambling a bit I know- I have been very calm when talking to him but inside I am mad as hell! I just want to get on with our lives together and I seem to spend a lot of my time making sure he is happy, little things like not asking him to do anything at weekends so he can relax, no housework, cooking etc- he can just chill out all weekend. It's exhausting keeping one person happy all the time and feeling like he doesnt care about me or my feelings.
 
Is he pushing for a child so that he can legitimately give up work and look after the child full time?

If you can get him to look into getting help with his mental health then that may be the best solution. If he is so keen to have a child, can you have a chat with him about what needs to be done first? Such as he has to be in a job he's happy in?

If his work is a health and safety issue, then it sounds like he's going no-where.
 
Is it possible that you and he have over extended yourselves financially? Maybe living in a larger house, with all mod cons, the cars, the lifestyle etc When he was working these things could be afforded but not now. Maybe he sees that you both need to downsize a little and maybe that you don't want to lose status amongst your peers?
Could ypu downsize, have a child and could he become a stay at home Dad?
 
SoylentGreen said:
Is it possible that you and he have over extended yourselves financially? Maybe living in a larger house, with all mod cons, the cars, the lifestyle etc When he was working these things could be afforded but not now. Maybe he sees that you both need to downsize a little and maybe that you don't want to lose status amongst your peers?
Could ypu downsize, have a child and could he become a stay at home Dad?
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While this is certainly realistic and may be a good option, it can be hard to face the fact that you are having a child with no prospect of ever having a chance to spend a few years at home with the child, and not even able to use parental leave as you can't afford it financially. Yes, it can be done, but maybe these issues need to be thought over too. Especially as mothers, it is assumed that you will be able to spend time at home with the kids, and it can get wearing to explain to people that you can't take time off. Mind you, this is the first child, by the third no-one really cares any more!
 
SoylentGreen said:
Is it possible that you and he have over extended yourselves financially? Maybe living in a larger house, with all mod cons, the cars, the lifestyle etc When he was working these things could be afforded but not now. Maybe he sees that you both need to downsize a little and maybe that you don't want to lose status amongst your peers?
Could ypu downsize, have a child and could he become a stay at home Dad?
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Truly wish that was the case. No, we have a small home, biggish mortgage, negative equity by at least €200,000 id say. I drive a 2000 car, he drives a 2005 car. No luxury by any stretch - no status issues. I feel that yes he might like to be a stay at home dad and I guess I feel a little bit hard done by at this. I have spent a long time working and working very hard in order to pay debts etc (a lot of them his) and I feel i deserve to perhaps take some time off myself and relax a bit with a child. He now wants that role as well! yes everybody is right I feel resentment at the moment and that's something I need to deal with. :(
 
bullwinkle said:
I'm rambling a bit I know- I have been very calm when talking to him but inside I am mad as hell! I just want to get on with our lives together and I seem to spend a lot of my time making sure he is happy, little things like not asking him to do anything at weekends so he can relax, no housework, cooking etc- he can just chill out all weekend. It's exhausting keeping one person happy all the time and feeling like he doesnt care about me or my feelings.
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Are you doing too much for him? It can be very hard to stand on your own two feet when someone else is always propping you up!! Have you considered that you are putting him in the 'i need to mind and direct him' role and yourself in the 'im the responsible one who takes charge' role? Sometimes in situations like that the person in the being minded role just stops bothering because (a) they never get a chance to take charge because the other person is always so on the ball that its already done, and (b) even if they did manage to take charge, itd be criticised by the person who is in control - so they stop bothering.

I just wonder are you trying to make him behave in ways that YOU want him to behave (understandable ways btw!), but ultimately, as you cant ever control someone elses behaviour you are just ending up frustrated that he is not doing what you want.

I wonder what his take on things really is? If he had a thread what would it say?

You have loads of resentment, and he likely does too, the problem sounds like its deeper than just the recent events around his attitude to the job.

Would he consider couples counselling, would you?
 
I know someone who works as a relationship counsellor in an association mentioned above. God help any person who is counselled by this person. They have no proper qualifications and their own life is far from perfect although they believe that it is.
 
They have no proper qualifications and their own life is far from perfect although they believe that it is.
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In most cases the problem can be obvious to anyone not involved but not to those within so I wouldn't take the mess their own life is in as a marker.
 
SoylentGreen said:
I know someone who works as a relationship counsellor in an association mentioned above. God help any person who is counselled by this person. They have no proper qualifications and their own life is far from perfect although they believe that it is.
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I heard about someone who had to listen to the counsellor talking about their new garden, curtains, holiday etc as if the counsellor's way of life was perfect.

Bullwinkle, does your husband prepare meals, deal with house cleaning, laundry, shopping etc
 
Just to update this one - he quit work last week! I don't quite know what to do - he is sitting at home, doesn't have any plan yet to go looking for work etc. I guess I'll be waiting this one out to see what he does.
 
bullwinkle it still sounds very much "I this and he that". Is there any acknowledgement between the both of you that communications between you are not really working? Is there any sense that you either need to get some outside help, or to try and resolve this yourselves? As truthseeker showed, if verbal communication isn't working, maybe try other approaches such as the letter idea. But before you work together to get out of this, you need to be able to communicate with each other openly and honestly.
 
"waiting this one out" is unlikely to lead to an improvement! You need to make a decision on how you are going to address this, or at least how long you are preapred to wait!
 
I am trying to communicate - we always communicated well. But the problem is that he doesn't have a plan and if I say to him well what will we do, or what do you want to do? or do you have anything in mind that you'd like to train in.... he just shrugs his shoulders and says "don't know". So I can't help him until I know what he wants to do -otherwise it's just me nagging and nagging telling him what he should be doing and I don't want to do that! So.... I am waiting until he can tell me what he wants
 
44brendan said:
"waiting this one out" is unlikely to lead to an improvement! You need to make a decision on how you are going to address this, or at least how long you are preapred to wait!
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Unfortunately I agree! but unless he can tell me how he wants to proceed then I am stuck!
 
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