Advice on a relationship issue?

Hi

probably the wrong forum but I cannot access the Depths which I normally read. I have a bit of an issue that has been coming to a head for a few months now.

My husband was unemployed for a long period of time. He then got a job with a very very close friend of mine. Initially everything was great then it became apparent to me that he didn't like the job at all, it was something that he had to retrain for. Essentially he came from being a boss to being the lowest man on the totem. To be honest I didn't really care whether he liked it or not as we needed the money and still do - we have a large mortgage and debt, I already work 6 days a week and don't have any more hours in the day.

Anyway, it seems that although he has stuck the job out, he has been putting in the bare minimum of effort, leaving early, standing around etc. Anyway friend didn't want to say anything to me but it was causing tension and eventually they told me - apparently it's been going on for months. My friend called my husband in for a chat last week trying to get him to see that he needs this job but apparently by husband reacted very badly - blaming everybody else etc and now there is a big stand off. So, my dilemma is now that he is hurting my friends business so I think he'll have to hand in his notice as he was good enough to help us out when we needed it. However - it doesn't end at that does it? we will badly suffer financially and also our relationship is going to suffer. I am working like a dog to support us and pay our bills and debts, I always thought we were a team, now it seems that I am on my own and he will be happy enough to let me carry us - I don't know if our relationship could survive it.

Of course the other issue is just the disappointment and embarrassment of knowing that my husband is that guy who doesn't pull his weight. I spoke to him months ago about how he needs to just suck it up and get on with it and thought that was an end to it. I haven't told him yet that I know about last weeks meeting and all the other issues - he'll probably go nuts that I even know and blame my friend for telling me etc.

I'd really welcome any advice anyone could give to me - I'm afraid of either option at the moment.

I am far more comfortable commenting on the financial rather than the relationship issues, but I feel that your post reflects a position that has become much more frequent since the economic dowturn and I will put forward my tuppence worth which may or may not be of help.
The core of this problem may be one of pride rather than lack of work ethics. I.e. Your husband may be feeling that the current job is beneath him and also may be be depressed following a term of unemployment & a feeling of is this "as good as it is going to get" syndrome.
If he is generally a reasonable & approachable person, then what is required is a full & frank discussion of all issues between you. Simmering resentment, seldom gets better if left unaddressed. Telling him to just "suck it up and get on with it", while it may be true is unlikely to resolve the position. We men tend to take that as criticism rather than advice
It's unfortunate that your friend has now been landed in a position where he/she feels that having done you a turn it's now rebounding on him. While you are right in that he needs to get his act in order on this issue, you may well need to approach this in a calm & reasoned manner if you don't want to put your whole relationship at risk.
Is it possible that you could agree to discuss the whole issue (not just the job) as 2 adults looking to find a solution that you can both live with? Also, does he appreciate that he is risking the relationship? You know yourself (from your post) that the position cannot continue, but rather than letting it fester until it explodes, it would be better to agree to a discussion without blame being attached at this time. I.e. to find a solution that you both can live with.

It really is a catch 22 situation you and your husband are in isnt it? I really feel for you.. As an outsider looking in it seems to me that like the above reply said, it sounds as if your husband could be suffering from depression. These recessional times have done huge damage to the mental health of our nation and people who were working in good jobs that they liked and felt comfortable in had to go and take jobs they were not skilled in and maybe had no interest in. Round peg in square hole scenario ? Get the drift ? Can be very depressing for someone who has to go into a job that they detest day after day. Maybe that is what is wrong and maybe, just maybe he is wishing that he will get the sack to remove the emphasis from him. He does not want to leave because the person employing him is a friend. Yet he is doing what he is doing to give that person a reason for letting him go. I do hope things work out for you all. You must be exhaused yourself too with working 6 days a week. Would it be possible to take a break away even for one night to wind down together and have a meal and a good long chat about where your life is at and what direction you would like it to be going? Good luck to you both.

44Brendan - thank you for your post. If i'm honest I am just at the end of my tether here and that's why I posted it on the forum. I understand what you are saying about pride etc and I do think that's at issue here. Essentially we had this all out months ago when I realized that he hated the job. We went through what he hated etc and just basically agreed that he needed to get on with it so that we could plan our lives. I am deeply upset that he knows how much this will all hurt me and our relationship,when he was unemployed I essentially worked 7 days a week and made myself quite ill with stress etc. When he got this job I was able to go back to 5-6 days a week and was able to deal with some bills etc which I am doing quite well with now. If I could sit down and talk to him about it I would but he just can't see that he is the problem here, he is blaming everybody else and his attitude is that he's doing them a favor by working there! ?? this is what gets me, he acts like he could walk into another job in the morning! I can safely say given the economy, his age and his last occupation, if he doesn't work out at this job he will not get an opportunity to work again for a very very long time.

I don't know who this arrogant selfish man is? - he used to get on with everybody - now he is fighting with everybody and is the guy standing around doing nothing waiting for the lunch bell. I'm really really taken aback by the change in him. I can't see how to resolve this.

lilac - missed your post there. I think he does want to be fired - that's why I'm so mad, he is just thinking about himself & not me - he knows how hard I already work yet he's prepared to sacrifice me in order to not do a job that he doesn't like.

There is a whole forum on www.boards.ie devoted to relationships

That might be a better forum.

Brendan - thanks, I didn't post on boards.ie as I am a long term 'moocher' around askaboutmoney. A lot of advice on boards.ie is a bit random, i'm hoping for more balanced opinions perhaps even just on the financial implications of his decision.

I hope thats okay

I have a lot of sympathy with you, you are in a rotten situation. Here is my advice.

You have a number of different problems, and you are worried about all of them. This is not surprising, but you don't have the time, or emotional energy to be worried about everything, so its time to be selfish.

The only issues that are really important are your relationship and your families finances. Forget about everything else.

Your friend did you a favour and you are embarrased that your husband is not pulling his weight. You have to temporarily forget about your friends feelings. Maybe your friend understands or will understand some day, but stop worrying about it now.

Have you considered that your husband is suffering from depression ? Fighting, arrogance, selfishness all could be signs, especially if it is not normal behaviour.

I think your next stop should be your GP to look for professional advice. You are right, you can't solve this on your own at the same time as being the only one taking on the burden of providing for your family.

I really wish you and your family the best.

bullwinkle said:

I haven't told him yet that I know about last weeks meeting and all the other issues - he'll probably go nuts that I even know and blame my friend for telling me etc.

I'd really welcome any advice anyone could give to me - I'm afraid of either option at the moment.

Click to expand...

Have you asked him for his side of this meeting? Sounds like you're listening to your friend but not your husband?

I did ask him and he pretty much confirmed that yes for the most part my friend was telling the truth. His attitude is that he doesn't like the job - and will never like it. The people are fine it's just the work he doesn't like. He just seems to think that that's an end to it - he has mumbled something about trying a bit harder but to be honest I don't believe it for a second - it's a very half hearted effort to appease me. I just gave up talking to be honest as it would just descend into a massive row if I said what I thought. i'm trying to take it all easy at the moment but I think i'm just afraid of the truth

His attitude is that he doesn't like the job - and will never like it. The people are fine it's just the work he doesn't like.

Click to expand...

Then that's the problem, not him. I learned a long time ago that working in a job you hate is something to run a mile from. I think you need to actually look at his side of things here and forget about the friend who employed him as well.

Not to be cruel, but it doesn't sound much like you are 'on his side'. Surely it should be you and him versus the world, united? Otherwise, what's the point.

Everyone goes through periods of stress and even alienation from their spouse but you have to get through that. Money isn't everything but maybe your relationship should be.

I was trying to say what Vanilla just said only my language skills (or tact skills) were lacking. Your health is your wealth.

Vanilla said:

Not to be cruel, but it doesn't sound much like you are 'on his side'. Surely it should be you and him versus the world, united? Otherwise, what's the point.

Everyone goes through periods of stress and even alienation from their spouse but you have to get through that. Money isn't everything but maybe your relationship should be.

Click to expand...

+1 Vanilla. bullwinkle just take a step back from this for a minute and look at what is happening from a step removed. He obviously hates the job. It has now got so bad that he isn't even discussing work with you any more, so much so that he kept the meeting last week from you. So you're not even communicating properly any more. He is building up resentment over feeling forced to work this job, whilst you are obviously building up resentment over the fact you are working 6 days a week and feel he is not keeping up his side of things. Unless you can sit down and discuss an agreeable solution, where neither side feels pressurised into accepting something, then I fear it will only get worse. You should leave the money to one side when doing this as there is always a way of getting by, even if it means renegotiating your debt terms. But if sounds obvious from your posts that both sides are becoming a little bit entrenched in your separate views and you need to try and come back to working as a team - which means you need to hear and appreciate his side of things as well.

Very difficult to ignore money, when you are in financial difficulties. Job satisfaction is great, but for me family comes first. If I have to work in a job I dislike to feed & educate my family thats what has to be done.
I acknowledge that we are only hearing one side of the story here, but OP appears to have identified a problem & optimum solution does not appear to be her spouse leaving this employment with no alternative income source apparent!!

Maybe you need to give him some hope for the future. He needs to be convinced that, even though he hates this job, that if he does it well, he'll get good references (particularly if the boss is your friend) which will help him get another job. This job is his ticket out of the situation. It appears that he regards the job as beneath him. If this is the case, he should be able to do it well and get out or at least get up the totem pole. You could offer to help him look for alternative employment in return for him doing a good job. I know the job situation is bad, but something will come up at some stage in the future.

Thanks for replies. He was unemployed for a long period of time and during this time I really had a difficult time with work and bills etc & my health suffered. He was at home, going mad and swearing that if he even got a job cleaning he'd do it to help me in some way. Now, he has this job with prospects, training and to be honest a lot of freedom & he thinks it might be better to be unemployed. I know he doesn't like the job but I just feel like we ARE supposed to be a team, I have held up my side of the bargain by supporting him for years, now that he has a chance to support me and allow us to move on a bit he won't do it because he doesn't like it. The other thing that is really annoying me is that all along I said to him just keeping looking for a job that you like, sending in CVS etc - my friend knew this and was quite happy to support him if he ever got another job in that he could get great reference and time off for interviews etc, he has never so much as looked at a job website or paper etc - I printed off his cvs for him and gave him a pile of them and he hasn't bothered once even looking so it's not like this job was keeping him from getting another job.

I should really add that if it came down to it - I could manage like I did before to get enough money for us to survive, I guess my problem is that he is okay with me doing that - it seems that he's okay with me making myself ill by working so many hours while he doesn't work.

bullwinkle said:

Thanks for replies. He was unemployed for a long period of time and during this time I really had a difficult time with work and bills etc & my health suffered. He was at home, going mad and swearing that if he even got a job cleaning he'd do it to help me in some way. Now, he has this job with prospects, training and to be honest a lot of freedom & he thinks it might be better to be unemployed. I know he doesn't like the job but I just feel like we ARE supposed to be a team, I have held up my side of the bargain by supporting him for years, now that he has a chance to support me and allow us to move on a bit he won't do it because he doesn't like it. The other thing that is really annoying me is that all along I said to him just keeping looking for a job that you like, sending in CVS etc - my friend knew this and was quite happy to support him if he ever got another job in that he could get great reference and time off for interviews etc, he has never so much as looked at a job website or paper etc - I printed off his cvs for him and gave him a pile of them and he hasn't bothered once even looking so it's not like this job was keeping him from getting another job.

I should really add that if it came down to it - I could manage like I did before to get enough money for us to survive, I guess my problem is that he is okay with me doing that - it seems that he's okay with me making myself ill by working so many hours while he doesn't work.

Click to expand...

I dont expect you to answer this in a public forum, but I really, really think you need to talk to your GP about the possibility that your husband is suffering from depression, and ger advice about what to do about it.

I do empathise too and don't want to come across as being critical. The thing is that on a public forum random posters will come at your post with their own experience and, possibly, prejudice so you don't get objective informed advice.

Perhaps career advice for your husband from someone who can really guide him, maybe counselling for you two?

I hope this situation gets better for you, I really do. So many people in this country of ours are hurting now and are very desperate to try and pay bills etc....Are you on facebook by any chance? If so there is a wonderful facebook page set up by a girl called Tara O Grady - Home owners unite I think it is but it is a great site with wonderful links on it for people who are struggling and great support forum. Wishing you well and hope you like the page.

It sounds to me that your husband is, mentally, in a very bad place, and this is going to get worse because now he will be back in the same situation as before, additionally with your resentment being more than it was before.

I think his mental health needs to be addressed because without that he is going nowhere as you are seeing, and your relationship will suffer more because of not just the effect on your health but as you say, the effect on your perception of your husband.