adoption search

ok, my cousin is adopted and now wants just to know where he came from and all of that and loves his adoptive parents and they support him and his search completely. He has been in touch with the relevant agency involved and they contacted his birth mother and she doesn't want to meet him as she has other children now etc. The issue is:

She never told his birth father (or family ie her parents) about him though she knows who the birth father is nut didn't put his name on the original birth cert and my cousin wants to know who his people are even if she will never meet him, he feels it's very unfair as I do for him not to let his father know, maybe it will be bad but it could be good also - and also unbeknowst to the birth mother, he knows her full unmarried name due to bit if slackness in the handing over process.

If anyone on this is adopted - he and I know the normal way to proceed but he has extra info but I know you can't force people but he just wants his dads name - what to do???

what age roughly is your cousin?

I would write a letter to the birth mom and explain why he wants to know,her first instinct was probably to say no. You can ask adoprion agency to pass the letter on. I would also reassure that he has no desire to disrupt her life but just feels he needs to know.I hope your cousin finds his father, best of luck.

There is an adoption message boast on the excellent Irish parenting website "Rollercoaster" where you will get answers from adopted parents and children

Here is a direct link to it:
[broken link removed]

Good luck.

This is a bit of a tricky one really. What is your cousins motive - if there is a father out there unaware that he ever fathered a child it may seriously disrupt his life to suddenly find a child knocking on the door. On the other hand he may be delighted. How will your cousin feel if the birth father turns out to not want to know either?

Plus - the birth mother may say she knows who the birth father is, but no one can really be sure of that without a DNA test - how does he know that the birth mother is telling the truth (she has already covered up a major aspect of her life - your cousins birth - successfully for many years)?

From your cousins point of view I would write to the birth mother and explain as Tink outlines in a previous post.

Beyond information from the birth mother I dont really see how one could proceed (given birth father is not named on birth cert) without causing serious disruption to birth mothers life by asking questions and nosing about etc... which Im sure your cousin does not want to do.

Id also advise a little patience. I have a friend who contacted her birth mother and same scenario as your cousin, birth mother didnt want to meet her, no one in family knew about my friends birth etc (including birth father), but after a year or so of letters between birth mother and my friend (through agency) birth mother DID agree to meet, and although her own family (new husband, new children) still dont know anything, letters and photos have been exchanged at regular intervals since and it is beginning to look as though birth mother will in fact come clean with family one of these days and my friend will be 'allowed' to actually meet her half brothers and sisters etc.... The agency in this case advised patience to my friend and said in some cases birth mother thaws when her own family are older and wiser and its likely to cause less disruption in her marriage (kids grown up and able to understand situation, husband more mellow with age etc..).