Cycling is good, cars evil and all that, and it is pleasant to see more and more cyclists entering into the spirit and I know research shows that when you have more cyclists road safety improves. But, as a long time cyclist, this new wave of cyclists post cycle to work scheme has caused almost daily annoyance on what was once a simple enough commute. So I'll rant with some etiquette and rules.
1. Being technically right in terms of right of way won't be much consolation when you're a pile of mush under the wheels of a bus. It's annoying, it can be frustrating, but in terms of "winners" in any issue with a car, bus, wagon and even a pedestrian, there is only one loser: the cyclist. You're vulnerable enough out there, just be aware that the stupidity of others will affect you much more than them. Curse, swear, shake fists and get on with your journey alive.
2. Remember before you got the fancy bike and all that lycra (see Rule 3) when you were either a pedestrian or motorist and everything that annoyed you about cyclists? Those things: don't do them.
3. There are cycling alternatives to lycra, nice clothing too. You're hardly going to win a race against one of those mobility carts at the pace your going anyway, lycra stretched across less than aerodynamic body types just isn't conducive to a morning commute and really isn't going to contribute that much savings in time.
4. I've been cycling for a while, my bike is a good one and is regularly serviced and "tuned", I do in and around 100 - 120 miles on the bike every week. This isn't bragging, it's just I am and will be quicker than you so get over it. When I overtake, don't then suddenly start cycling like crazy just to overtake me again because you feel some affront to your manhood. When you do that, you inevitably then have to ease off your pace because you're shattered, meaning I then have slow off my pace because of limited overtaking opportunities, plus overtaking is a risky enough business. Just suck it up, and keep to a pace that is good for your, eventually you'll pick up the speed and then we'll talk.
5. Still in reference to Rule 4, if I have overtaken you and ahead I have stopped at traffic lights, don't then squeeze or weave past me and pull up in front of me. Again this isn't bragging, just life, but I'm still quicker than you and that includes starting from being stationary. You've just seen me come past you so just let me go on. Because you're starting off in the wrong gear (see rule 6), I know either I’ll have to trundle behind you or again overtake into cars and buses that see traffic lights as a legal version of Wacky Races. In combination, rules 4,5&6 are basically saying I'm not challenging or questioning your manhood, vigour or anything else you may find demeaning, it's just I'm quicker, just let me get on with my commute please.
6. Dublin has hills; your bike has gears, use them. Sticking with the hardest gear up hill at a pace of 2 mph doesn't mean other cyclists and women folk will fall at your feet wondering at just how we could even dream of being in the same territory as someone with such huge gonads. Just drop the gears down to a pace that makes it comfortable for you, not only will you actually get up the hill quicker, but I won't be crushed under the wheels of a bus and your knees will think you a pleasant chappie for being so nice to them.
7. Related to Rules 1 & 2, but with traffic lights and pedestrian crossings, just stop when you’re supposed. I know it's a pain, especially when you've just got some speed up and are going at a comfortable pace, but they're there and small things like legal requirements start coming into play. On days when the lights are with me and I don't have to stop it cuts 5 minutes off my journey, that's it. When you think about it, for the sake of 5 minutes, it's not really worth becoming a messy ornament on grill of a wagon. Plus, you give all cyclists a bad name and drivers then use your idiocy as a justification for mowing me down.
8. While you were looking for the most expensive bike, with all the attachments and the most revealing lycra clothing you could find, did you consider trying to find a bike that actually fit you? Hint: if when you're cycling your knees extend further into the road than the wings of a jumbo jet it's likely that the new kit you've just bought is too small for you or the seat is too low. Hint: if when you pedal, your legs extend to the ground so much that it requires you to dislocate your hips with each movement, your bike's probably too big.
9. On your journey through the city you may come across a strange part of the road that appears to be sectioned off by either a dotted line or some underworked, overpaid council employee has painted a very vivid shade of red (obviously just the council trying to use up their paint budget). At some point stop and consider these as they may contain a rather simple sketch of a cycle. These are cycleways, that’s where we’re supposed to go and some officious official, well meaning no doubt, even made up some law that says we have to. On the left, the raised paved bit is for people walking (and wheelchairs and pushchairs), the bit to the right that has big mechanically propelled metal objects weighing several tonnes is the “road”, if the council has gone to the effort of providing a cycleway, use it. I know it’s full of potholes and glass; I know pedestrians stand out in it or shove their precious child in a push chair into it; I know buses believe that they can take up the majority of it too; I know motorcyclists believe that the rather obvious sketch of a bicycle applies to them, but they’re slightly dumb anyway, the point is we’re supposed to be there, so be there. Yes they meander in routes only obvious to someone who has never cycled in their lives, but believe it or not you’re 100% safer in the cycleway than the other bits and, as demonstrated in rule 7 you really don’t lose that much time. Question: are you that desperate to get into work?
10. In relation to Rule 9, however note that most cycleways, like roads are for travelling in a specific direction. Just because it is more convenient for you, take note of which way you’re supposed to be travelling in. Technically you’re on a bike, in a cycleway, but you’re going the wrong way you idiot. I’ve enough to contend with without the drama of seeing some loon coming towards me on the wrong side because they can’t be bothered to use the right lane.
11. Go back to being in a car (rule 1). Consider when you were in the process of overtaking a cyclist, what does the idiot go and do? They suddenly swerve out or they decide they want to be on the other side of the road and following a cursory flick of the wrist, they’re off. One minor heart attack later and a proficient run through of every uncouth term you’re familiar with, you consider that the individual involved deserves to be run over and killed (or is that just me?). You’re now the cyclists, there is no such thing as psychic powers, if you intend to move out, give them good and ample indication and warning. Yes I know technically drivers are supposed to give you enough room to account for such eventualities and who knows, when there are more cyclists (in compliance with these rules) this may well be the case, but right now they don’t, you probably didn’t/don’t either. But I’m sure when the undertaker is piecing you together they can construct a wry smile indicating a moral victory for being technically right on your corpse. That’ll show ‘em. Here’s how you do it: know your route, you’ll know when pot holes, etc are coming up, you’ve seen them enough times, do your manoeuvre when it’s safe before you encounter them. In the same way, know when you have to cross lanes and prepare for that well in advance. There’s something you have called a neck (excluding some rugby players and club doormen), it’s a hand piece of kit because it means you can turn your head and, within reason, see what’s coming behind you.
12. We have to discuss safety gear, you’ll need it, but go easy. Cycling isn’t a fashion parade, but somethings, like lycra are just a matter of common decency, others, like safety gear are an issue of looking like an a random nutter. Helmets are good, they aren’t perfect, but they’re about as best we have to stop our heads resembling a watermelon after a mallet has been taken to it. Lights are also essential, especially in Winter. So is high viz stuff. Do note though that having 16 different lights strapped to your helmet, a further 20 on your handle bars and 15 around your seat post might be over kill. It’s dark, not deep space. Also, wearing the RSA’s “Be Safe, Be Seen” vest is not a ticket to break every single rule of the road applying to cyclists. Yes I can see you, but you’re an idiot, stop it.
13. When you were buying your bike and kit, you may have gone to a retailer and, like all good retailers, knowing you had cash to burn thanks to the Green Party, they’ll sell you anything. In cycling, when you haven’t been on a bike for a while you have to put some miles on the legs and, more importantly, the bum. This involves some considerable pain in the adaptation stages. But you’ll come out the other side with an impressive set of thighs and a calloused behind which we all know the women dig (despite their protests) and is a badge of honour among cyclists. The seat that comes with you bike is fine, we’ve come a long way from wooden saddles, it just takes getting used to. When the retailer sold you that huge gel filled seat that wouldn’t look out of place on American Chopper, but makes your town bike/racer look ridiculous, you were ripped off.
14. I know pedestrians can be annoying when they walk in the cycleway, I know drivers are annoying when they overtake and park in the cycleway, good old fashioned shouting and swearing is the only way of dealing with them, tinkling a bell like an excited 5 year old with their first bike isn’t, so get rid of it.
15 Users of the Dublin Cycles: Great scheme, great idea and while you’re cycling around pretending that Dublin truly has become a cosmopolitan city and safe in the knowledge that the reduction in your carbon footprint from their use justifies you dropping your kids off at the school that’s half a mile away in your SUV this morning, which you then drove the 4 miles into work passing numerous QBCs, just remember that when Dublin City Council introduced the bikes it neglected to change the bylaws that gave your right of way at each and every junction, turn, pavement and whatever else you deem confident to own in your holier than though, fair trade, organic, carbon footprint, AL Gore loving, superiority complex mode.
1. Being technically right in terms of right of way won't be much consolation when you're a pile of mush under the wheels of a bus. It's annoying, it can be frustrating, but in terms of "winners" in any issue with a car, bus, wagon and even a pedestrian, there is only one loser: the cyclist. You're vulnerable enough out there, just be aware that the stupidity of others will affect you much more than them. Curse, swear, shake fists and get on with your journey alive.
2. Remember before you got the fancy bike and all that lycra (see Rule 3) when you were either a pedestrian or motorist and everything that annoyed you about cyclists? Those things: don't do them.
3. There are cycling alternatives to lycra, nice clothing too. You're hardly going to win a race against one of those mobility carts at the pace your going anyway, lycra stretched across less than aerodynamic body types just isn't conducive to a morning commute and really isn't going to contribute that much savings in time.
4. I've been cycling for a while, my bike is a good one and is regularly serviced and "tuned", I do in and around 100 - 120 miles on the bike every week. This isn't bragging, it's just I am and will be quicker than you so get over it. When I overtake, don't then suddenly start cycling like crazy just to overtake me again because you feel some affront to your manhood. When you do that, you inevitably then have to ease off your pace because you're shattered, meaning I then have slow off my pace because of limited overtaking opportunities, plus overtaking is a risky enough business. Just suck it up, and keep to a pace that is good for your, eventually you'll pick up the speed and then we'll talk.
5. Still in reference to Rule 4, if I have overtaken you and ahead I have stopped at traffic lights, don't then squeeze or weave past me and pull up in front of me. Again this isn't bragging, just life, but I'm still quicker than you and that includes starting from being stationary. You've just seen me come past you so just let me go on. Because you're starting off in the wrong gear (see rule 6), I know either I’ll have to trundle behind you or again overtake into cars and buses that see traffic lights as a legal version of Wacky Races. In combination, rules 4,5&6 are basically saying I'm not challenging or questioning your manhood, vigour or anything else you may find demeaning, it's just I'm quicker, just let me get on with my commute please.
6. Dublin has hills; your bike has gears, use them. Sticking with the hardest gear up hill at a pace of 2 mph doesn't mean other cyclists and women folk will fall at your feet wondering at just how we could even dream of being in the same territory as someone with such huge gonads. Just drop the gears down to a pace that makes it comfortable for you, not only will you actually get up the hill quicker, but I won't be crushed under the wheels of a bus and your knees will think you a pleasant chappie for being so nice to them.
7. Related to Rules 1 & 2, but with traffic lights and pedestrian crossings, just stop when you’re supposed. I know it's a pain, especially when you've just got some speed up and are going at a comfortable pace, but they're there and small things like legal requirements start coming into play. On days when the lights are with me and I don't have to stop it cuts 5 minutes off my journey, that's it. When you think about it, for the sake of 5 minutes, it's not really worth becoming a messy ornament on grill of a wagon. Plus, you give all cyclists a bad name and drivers then use your idiocy as a justification for mowing me down.
8. While you were looking for the most expensive bike, with all the attachments and the most revealing lycra clothing you could find, did you consider trying to find a bike that actually fit you? Hint: if when you're cycling your knees extend further into the road than the wings of a jumbo jet it's likely that the new kit you've just bought is too small for you or the seat is too low. Hint: if when you pedal, your legs extend to the ground so much that it requires you to dislocate your hips with each movement, your bike's probably too big.
9. On your journey through the city you may come across a strange part of the road that appears to be sectioned off by either a dotted line or some underworked, overpaid council employee has painted a very vivid shade of red (obviously just the council trying to use up their paint budget). At some point stop and consider these as they may contain a rather simple sketch of a cycle. These are cycleways, that’s where we’re supposed to go and some officious official, well meaning no doubt, even made up some law that says we have to. On the left, the raised paved bit is for people walking (and wheelchairs and pushchairs), the bit to the right that has big mechanically propelled metal objects weighing several tonnes is the “road”, if the council has gone to the effort of providing a cycleway, use it. I know it’s full of potholes and glass; I know pedestrians stand out in it or shove their precious child in a push chair into it; I know buses believe that they can take up the majority of it too; I know motorcyclists believe that the rather obvious sketch of a bicycle applies to them, but they’re slightly dumb anyway, the point is we’re supposed to be there, so be there. Yes they meander in routes only obvious to someone who has never cycled in their lives, but believe it or not you’re 100% safer in the cycleway than the other bits and, as demonstrated in rule 7 you really don’t lose that much time. Question: are you that desperate to get into work?
10. In relation to Rule 9, however note that most cycleways, like roads are for travelling in a specific direction. Just because it is more convenient for you, take note of which way you’re supposed to be travelling in. Technically you’re on a bike, in a cycleway, but you’re going the wrong way you idiot. I’ve enough to contend with without the drama of seeing some loon coming towards me on the wrong side because they can’t be bothered to use the right lane.
11. Go back to being in a car (rule 1). Consider when you were in the process of overtaking a cyclist, what does the idiot go and do? They suddenly swerve out or they decide they want to be on the other side of the road and following a cursory flick of the wrist, they’re off. One minor heart attack later and a proficient run through of every uncouth term you’re familiar with, you consider that the individual involved deserves to be run over and killed (or is that just me?). You’re now the cyclists, there is no such thing as psychic powers, if you intend to move out, give them good and ample indication and warning. Yes I know technically drivers are supposed to give you enough room to account for such eventualities and who knows, when there are more cyclists (in compliance with these rules) this may well be the case, but right now they don’t, you probably didn’t/don’t either. But I’m sure when the undertaker is piecing you together they can construct a wry smile indicating a moral victory for being technically right on your corpse. That’ll show ‘em. Here’s how you do it: know your route, you’ll know when pot holes, etc are coming up, you’ve seen them enough times, do your manoeuvre when it’s safe before you encounter them. In the same way, know when you have to cross lanes and prepare for that well in advance. There’s something you have called a neck (excluding some rugby players and club doormen), it’s a hand piece of kit because it means you can turn your head and, within reason, see what’s coming behind you.
12. We have to discuss safety gear, you’ll need it, but go easy. Cycling isn’t a fashion parade, but somethings, like lycra are just a matter of common decency, others, like safety gear are an issue of looking like an a random nutter. Helmets are good, they aren’t perfect, but they’re about as best we have to stop our heads resembling a watermelon after a mallet has been taken to it. Lights are also essential, especially in Winter. So is high viz stuff. Do note though that having 16 different lights strapped to your helmet, a further 20 on your handle bars and 15 around your seat post might be over kill. It’s dark, not deep space. Also, wearing the RSA’s “Be Safe, Be Seen” vest is not a ticket to break every single rule of the road applying to cyclists. Yes I can see you, but you’re an idiot, stop it.
13. When you were buying your bike and kit, you may have gone to a retailer and, like all good retailers, knowing you had cash to burn thanks to the Green Party, they’ll sell you anything. In cycling, when you haven’t been on a bike for a while you have to put some miles on the legs and, more importantly, the bum. This involves some considerable pain in the adaptation stages. But you’ll come out the other side with an impressive set of thighs and a calloused behind which we all know the women dig (despite their protests) and is a badge of honour among cyclists. The seat that comes with you bike is fine, we’ve come a long way from wooden saddles, it just takes getting used to. When the retailer sold you that huge gel filled seat that wouldn’t look out of place on American Chopper, but makes your town bike/racer look ridiculous, you were ripped off.
14. I know pedestrians can be annoying when they walk in the cycleway, I know drivers are annoying when they overtake and park in the cycleway, good old fashioned shouting and swearing is the only way of dealing with them, tinkling a bell like an excited 5 year old with their first bike isn’t, so get rid of it.
15 Users of the Dublin Cycles: Great scheme, great idea and while you’re cycling around pretending that Dublin truly has become a cosmopolitan city and safe in the knowledge that the reduction in your carbon footprint from their use justifies you dropping your kids off at the school that’s half a mile away in your SUV this morning, which you then drove the 4 miles into work passing numerous QBCs, just remember that when Dublin City Council introduced the bikes it neglected to change the bylaws that gave your right of way at each and every junction, turn, pavement and whatever else you deem confident to own in your holier than though, fair trade, organic, carbon footprint, AL Gore loving, superiority complex mode.
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