and there was the one about

R

rhymer

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quasimodo coming home from a hard day at the office ringing the bell.
The wife was just putting the wok away when he walked in so he asks, "Is it stir fry for dinner tonight?"
"No", she says, "I was using it to iron your shirts".

waheyyyy...
 
The gym

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feelsick!

It does everything..............

Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers, crisps, the lot!
 
Since the bar has been set so low...
I tried playing golf last week. I only hit two good balls... and that was when I stood on a rake.
 
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
 
kilomike said:
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
Click to expand...
LOL :D that's excellent!
 
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit
a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate
glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver
said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of
me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't
realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years"
 
Q. Whats big and grey and doesn't really matter??

A. An Irrelevphant

really bad I know!!
 
Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front in an overall, applying a pale yellow gloss to the front door.
"Holmes what is it?" cried the stupefied Watson.
A lemon entry, my dear Watson.
 
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

"No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
Joe goes to a fairground where there is a stall "beat our champion wrestler and win €1000". So he decides to give it a go.

One of the people who has been there for a while says to him "dont let him get you in a peanut hold, if that happens you're finished".

So Joe gets changed, and gets in the ring. Things are going fine for a while, then the fairground wrestler gets him in the peanut hold. The crowd groans, but suddently he leaps up, twists around and pins the wrestler to the ground, winning the bout, and €1000.

After he collects his winnings, the man comes over to him again, congratulates him and asks him how he got out of the peanut hold, when everybody else had failed.

Joe said that he was doing ok, then when he realised that the wrestler had him in the peanut hold, he though he was done for. Suddenly he saw a pair of balls dangling in front of his face, and as a last ditch effort, bit down on them.

"It's amazing the amount of strength you get when you have your balls bitten" says Joe.
 
Dan was a single guy living at home and working in the family business.
When he found that he was going to inherit a fortune on the death of his sickly father, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share it.
One evening at an investors seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like an ordinary man", he enthused to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I'll inherit $20,000,000".
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later she became his stepmother.
 
The travelling salesman's car broke down ina lonely part of the country. He walked for miles before coming upon a farmhouse. he limped up to the front door and knocked. The farmer answered and told the salesman that he was welcome to stay the night and that dinner had just been put upn the table.
"But," he said, "I musy tell you that there are only two beds in the house. I sleep in one and my beautiful, blond-haired twenty-one-year-old son sleeps in the other."

"My God," said the salesman, "I'm in the wrong joke!"
 
A young monk arrives at the monastery

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .



So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R!

We missed the R!

We missed the R!'?

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...









'CELEBRATE?!!!'
 
A man is speeding down a country road when he spots two monks standing by a bend. As he slows down to take it he hears them shouting:

"The End is Near! The End is Near!"

The driver sneers at them and accelerates out of the bend, leaving the evangelic fools behind.

At the sound of his screams and grinding metal, one monk turned to the other and said:

"I told you we should have gone with "The bridge is out!""
 
A man is enjoying a drink al fresco when along comes a nun and starts lecturing him on the evils of alcohol. The man argues back and it transpires that the nun has never had a drink in her life. "Listen" said the man "I'll buy you some alcohol, you drink it and then tell me what you think".
"Out of the question'', says the nun,"I could never be seen drinking in public, but I suppose if you put the liquid in a coffee cup I might have a sip".
The man agrees, goes inside and asks the barman for a large brandy in a coffee cup. "Oh no", said the barman "it's not that bloody nun again is it?"
 
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