Wife’s Contribution to the Mortgage, Bills etc. while seeking a Divorce

[Cruzer123]

My wife is looking for a divorce and I pay all the bills.

Given she is the one seeking a divorce is it appropriate to request that she now contributes to financially to the running of the household?

I have been told by a solicitor friend that it’s now time for her to “join the real world” & pay her share of 50% of the mortgage.

Anyone have any thoughts regarding whether this arrangement is fair in the pre divorce stage and any ideas how I may go about changing it?

 

[DannyBoyD]

Move out and file for divorce yourself; why stay waiting for the other shoe to drop when you are clearly unhappy.

 

[TomEdison]

On no account should you move out.

 

[Persia]

For well over 2 decades I have paid the mortgage and every single bill including the weekly shopping. Lately this has consumed 80% of my earnings.

He couldn't afford to even if he wanted to.

 

[DannyBoyD]

couldn't afford to

Thats the point of moving out; from the OPs description, it'll be cheaper.

To those advocating staying put in a toxic environment, the notion that it somehow weakens your position is tenuous at best.

 

[TomEdison]

Are you suggesting that the OP should move out and stop paying the mortgage?

(OP, don't do this. Your wife has already seen a solicitor, and has declined to go to counselling. It's time for you to see a solicitor and you should certainly do that before you do anything as drastic as either moving out or stopping paying the mortgage.)

 

[DannyBoyD]

Your wife has already seen a solicitor,

Note: OPs spouse has denied this is the case

OP has zero respect for their partner; tells us they have children almost in passing, sole concern here is the contribution to the household income. In my reading of the OPs post they have failed to communicate for years.

Most couples with children will confirm the overwhelming majority of their income is spent on their family. I don't see the OP being in any way unusual in that respect.

Again, this is a toxic environment for the adults and children involved; perpetuating it for any longer will only make things worse.

 

[Cruzer123]

OP has zero respect for their partner; tells us they have children almost in passing, sole concern here is the contribution to the household income.

Thanks for then reply Danny, on a couple of points you made.

Firstly on zero respect for my wife. I do have concerns relating to her use of money which I have never managed to address at all during our marriage. I wouldn’t call it zero respect although she is being very hostile towards me currently and it’s certainly progressing towards a lack of respect.

On communication, I did have a relatively normal functioning marriage albeit without her affection.

We had a lot of holidays and the family dynamic functioned well. I was disappointed with her lack of financial contributions or control but I swept it under the carpet.

Yes you are correct on one point, the sole concern here is my contribution today vs hers since she wants out. Our house is big enough to avoid each other, and our both our jobs involve significant travel so the house is not the pressure cooker one might think. Yes we have children and I am not trying to hide the fact here.

Before anyone bails in I am a hands on Dad and contribute my fair share to household duties, drop offs etc.

I do have respect for my partner, she is a hard worker, great mother and I love her. I suggested counselling many times which she is point blank refusing to engage in.

The core issue today is my wife has assumed I will keep her in the lifestyle she is accustomed to while planning a new life without me while keeping her income for herself.

 

[ClubMan]

It's time for you to see a solicitor and you should certainly do that before you do anything as drastic as either moving out or stopping paying the mortgage

Totally agree with this advice.

This sort of thing is no substitute for proper professional advice:

I have been told by a solicitor friend that it’s now time for her to “join the real world” & pay her share of 50% of the mortgage / bills although given there’s an income disparity this may be unfair.

 

[Cruzer123]

You believe your spouse is a liar, you accuse them of being "feckless" with money, "never has a penny saved" (though some how has paid a retainer to a Solicitor).

A family relative has paid the retainer. She has lied regarding seeing a solicitor, there is no question. I don’t feel she is liar in relation to anything else.

You are seeking to punish your spouse "pay 50% ..although .. this may be unfair" for, in your belief, "planning an alternative life".

I am seeking fairness not to punish her.

You don't actually know what your spouse is assuming; divorce rarely leaves anyone better off, least of all the primary carer.

I can only go on what she has said and that is she wants a divorce.

I posted this to seek opinions on whether it was appropriate to be expected to pay in full for everything given my circumstances. All you have contributed is conjecture regarding your assumptions on the state of my marriage.

“Haven’t communicated in years”
“Zero respect for his spouse”
“Toxic environment”

I have never said any of this.

 

[ClubMan]

I posted this to seek opinions on whether it was appropriate to be expected to pay in full for everything given my circumstances.

It may be appropriate and fair for each spouse to contribute financially and in other ways to the running of the household according to their means, but if she isn't going to do this now then there's not much that you can do to force her. If/when divorce proceedings are initiated then any imbalance in terms of financial contributions to the running of the household will be made clear when you do your respective affidavits of means. It's the nature of relationship breakdown and divorce that either or both parties will very likely consider aspects of the situation unfair. It's a difficult situation. Talk to a solicitor.

 

[DannyBoyD]

given my circumstances.

What circumstances? You are still married, living at home with your spouse and children.

You've supported your family financially for 20 years, your spouse says they want a divorce so now you want to withdraw your support.

Seriously - go to counselling, thats the best advice I can give you.

 

[TomEdison]

The question you actually asked is . . .

his arrangement is fair in the pre divorce stage

"Pre-divorce stage" is an interesting concept. In the first place, your wife (I gather) denies that she is planning to divorce you, so you certainly won't be able to negotiate any changes to the family finances on the basis that this a divorce is imminent. More generally, there's isn't a well-understood concept of a "pre-divorce stage" that deserves its own financial arrangements. Financial arrangements between a couple are usually settled in the context of a divorce/separation, rather than being settled in advance of/in anticipation of a divorce or separation.

You say that "due to children’s exams she is holding off serving documents", which presumably means you expect them to be served in, say, July. Given that the current financial arrangements, however unsatisfactory they are, have persisted for many years, letting them run for another three months or so isn't going to make a huge difference, in the scheme of things. I don't think you should focus on this, but think instead about the coming divorce.

I think, as I said before, that you should talk to a lawyer — not informally, to a "lawyer friend" — but in the context of a lawyer/client relationship in whcih you are instructing the lawyer and they are advising you. You believe your wife has already done this; the lawyer will presumably have advised her about what kind of financial arrangements she can expect, in the event of a contested divorce. You should get similar advice so that, when the two of you do start talking, you are as well-equipped as she is for the negotiation.

 

[C_Pike]

I’m reluctant to see a solicitor

I would get unreluctant, if I were you.

I live in hope on the basis she may change her mind and attend couples counselling with me.

I would continue trying to pursue this avenue, but talking to a solicitor and laying out bare facts and realities is a lot better than crossing your fingers and coming on here for people to offer you judgement on your words or actions.

 

[bkenn14]

Take TomEdison and Clubman good advice and don't be put off by what others post,
If it was my good self who was in your position at this stage I would not change any of the existing financial Arrangements seeing her angle seems to suggest Financial control and yet will not attend counselling with you
to trash out any misunderstandings both of ye might have,
So take toms advice the sooner the better and see a solicitor,

It may be a very good Idea to start a new tread inviting posters who have already engaged a solicitor to share there outcomes with you including any pitfalls or mistakes the made along the way,

 

[ClubMan]

It may be a very good Idea to start a new tread inviting posters who have already engaged a solicitor to share there outcomes with you including any pitfalls or mistakes the made along the way,

Whatever about sharing pitfalls/mistakes, I don't think that it reallymakes much sense to share outcomes because each couple's case and situation is different and it's difficult to draw any conclusions from another couple's outcome.

 

[Introuble83]

I am in divorce proceedings at present so will give you first hand experience. You need legal advice regardless of whether you think you can afford it it’s absolutely essential., personally I left the family home as it was a toxic environment. By all means stay it’s definitely the general consensus but you’re entitled to a life and to be happy . You need to move away from how you feel , forgot blame etc . The solicitors focus on the facts and numbers only. Regarding finances you have a joint responsibility to support the family . Maintain your mental health and in particular your employment. Be carful whose advice to take . Again , go to a solicitor immediately

 

[bkenn14]

Clubman I would agree with a lot of what you say up to a point,
Just to give you an example of a pitfall i have seen down trough the years where I worked is the main breadwinner male or female often get the short straw when it comes to having a good relationship with there Children,
often the finish up working long hours along with moving into accommodation not suitable to have children overnight stay, what was surprising and I thought strange was the outcome appeared to be linked to how informed they were before hiring solicitor and finished up locking themselves into a dead end parenting role that was next to inpossible to get out of once agreement was reached,

so the focus needs to be more about how both breadwinners as parents do not allow themselves to be disadvantage at the expense of the other former partner you will find often the main breadwinner due of work commitments and trying to do what is best for there Children often neglects this part when instructing solicitor, resulting in both parent and children losing out longterm,

 

[bkenn14]

Cruzer123
There was a book published by Anne McLoughlin a good few years ago called Surviving ( A Personal Guide To Judicial Seperation in Ireland
It was published in 2004 by
TownHouse Dublin
THCH Ltd
Trinity House
Charleston Road
Ranelagh
Dublin
It gives valuable advice on the inportance of choosing the right solicitor, how to get the most out of there service
It was on Judicial seperation so a bit out of date , I think she may have followed in up with a newer book,
contents
Types of seperation Out of date we are now in 2025,
The right solicitor for you
Barristers
repesenting your self-acting lat litigation (I would keep well away from lay Litigant but it is covered)
Legal aid
How the courts work
What the courts can make judgments on
Other lessions I learned about the courts
Working out your finances
The maintenance myth
Access
Pre nuprial agreements
Paper work
Looking ahead
I suspect there are lots of other books Written since then,

 

[ClubMan]

Clubman I would agree with a lot of what you say up to a point,
Just to give you an example of a pitfall i have seen down trough the years

I didn't disagree with the utility of others' pitfalls and related advice. My point is that one couple's outcome is specific to their particular circumstances and is probably not relevant to any other couple's situation.