Why do people have children?

T

truthseeker

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Just wondering about peoples thoughts on this.

Neither myself or OH find ourselves really yearning to have children, we like children but we just dont feel a 'need' to reproduce. We both enjoy our lives and the freedoms that we have. When we talk about children we always seem to come around to thinking that it sounds (and looks) like very hard work and that we like life the way it is.

Both of us know people with children who really wanted to have children and seem to love being parents, we also both know people who had children and (one or both) seem to not like being a parent (just as an example one father we know gets up on a saturday morning to drop his child off at grannies so he can come home and lie on the couch playing playstation all day by himself while his missus is in work).

I wonder how many people really think it through and how many just have children because thats what people tend to do when they get married?

I also dont get the broody feeling when I see a baby, I have other friends who dont get it either, but one friend who never got it did have a child and she loves being a mother - so not sure if the broody feeling is a reliable indicator.

Any thoughts? For people who have children - why did you have them?
For people who dont - why would you have them?
 
I don't think there will ever be an easy answer to this one - many parents will say that those without children "don't know what they're missing" or even that they are "selfish".

Many of those without children can also describe parents as being "selfish" too - having kids on a whim to fill gaps in their lives etc.

Some people certainly seem to have kids as a habit or because it's the 'thing to do' - and I think it is this mindset that those without kids find so difficult to fathom. Also, undoubtedly, there are many more who have children through maternal/paternal drive - which can be equally difficult to understand for those who do not have that drive.

We're in the same position as you Truthseeker - no kids, and we don't want any. Most of our friends have kids and although they are good parents and love their children, some have admitted that it was the wrong decision.

Maybe we'll regret not having kids some day (many seem to) but that's no reason for us to start a family either.
 
I have three kids (with another on the way) and while it’s hard work and it does have a negative impact in many aspects of your life the positives more than make up for the negatives. That said I wanted to have children and so did Mrs. Purple. I don’t really know what the answer to your question is. I suppose it’s a case of doing what’s right for you. Selfishness doesn’t come into it.
 
I don't have children yet but am in a long term relationship. I'm not a "child person" in the sense that I don't go goo gaa over babies and tend to find children boring but I do think that I will have children in the next few years. Am I telling myself the lie all possible parents tell themselves? My children will be different? Maybe...
My main reasons would be that I think they will enrich my life and I would like to have my own family. I would like to experience pregnancy and then to see this little person develop and grow. I am in my early thirties and have had years of putting myself first so I don't think I would resent the lack of freedom and spontaneity to my life. I am not particularly career minded and so putting my career on the back burner wouldn't bother me. I am conscious of leaving it "too late" - I would hate to wake up at 40 and to then want a family. Or to have left enough time only to have one child as I think siblings are very important. So, therefore it is entirely possible that I will plan to have children without feeling broody and hope that it all falls into place afterwards...
 
Purple said:
....and it does have a negative impact in many aspects of your life the positives more than make up for the negatives.
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What do you mean by 'the positives' Purple (im assuming the 'negatives' are demands on time and money)?
And when you say you wanted to have children - why did you want to have them?
 

Hi Truthseeker.

Really interesting post. In many ways you sound a lot like me. I was never a broody person, I like children but never got broody around babies and never felt the "clock ticking" (am female by the way). I loved my life, the adventures I was having as a single person and then couple - I just didnt see where a baby fitted. I also was really concerned about the impact on my career if I had a baby. When my friends had babies I was pleased for them but not envious. When I sat down and thought about it, I felt my life was fine without babies. However the time did come when my other half really wanted children. Needless to say this took lots discussion between my other half and I and the outcome was that we would try and get pregnant. I then subsequently had lots of trouble getting pregnant, which is not relevant to this thread, but I was surprised (for someone who still claimed not to be broody) how heartbroken I was by lost pregnancies. Anyways, we did get successfully pregnant and we were lucky enough to have a little girl and I have to say I am simply blown away by her. I never expected to feel like this. I knew I would love my baby but I wasnt expecting to get so much back. She is such a little character and so very funny. For me all of sudden I am excited about sharing the life, I referred to above, with her - I dont see it as an end of that life. Its very hard to talk about your child without sounding like a book of clichés or without sounding like you are trying to convince the rest of the planet to reproduce (and those people annoyed me when I wasnt planning a family) which is partly why I think people only focus on the negative. In short the negatives dont even register on the radar there are so many positives (very cheesy).

In regards to the negatives, they do exist. However no big achievement comes without its challenges (there is some famous quote that captures that sentiment better but I cant remember it right now). In short - if I decide to do a parttime MBA I know I have 2 years of study and I have to give up weekends for the foreseeable future. If I decide to climb Mount Everest I know I have to do a ridiculous about of fitness and endurance training to be ready for it. If I decide to have a baby I know I will have sleepless nights, teething problems, possibly toddler issues and later then teenage issues - you sign up for it - if that makes any sense. Its a challenge you need to commit to and the return is more worth it.

I think the most important thing is to keep communicating with your partner on this - thinking and talking about it is a good thing. Deciding not to have children is just as important/relevant as deciding to have children. If you both decide that you will have children as an ex-non-broody woman I can really recommend it
 
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I always wanted children, have always loved babies and I would have had more but for the fact that I met and married Mr.V a little too late to have more than two. Mr.V is the same- always wanted children. Everyone is different but babies always make me melt. That doesnt mean I think people who don't have children are missing out, people are different, want different things- and I can SO appreciate that a life without children can be just as fulfilling.

Whatever about the actual decision to have children selfishness goes right out the window for most people once you have them because once you have a baby they then become the person you put before yourself ( in a way that you wouldnt for anyone else, even your partner) at all times.
 
casiopea said:
Deciding not to have children is just as important/relevant as deciding to have children.
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Excellent post casiopea - you have hit the nail on the head (for me) with the above quoted sentence - I do feel its just as important to make the decision not to.

I agree with all you say about how much a child enriches life - I have seen this with many friends. But I have also seen scenarios where people dont seem so enriched. (Obviously it depends on the person).

I dont want to reach a point where my clock has ticked on and regret not having them either..... Im at the decision making time - we are getting married later this year and realistically if we are to have children we would need to start cracking on after we get married (assuming no problems conceiving etc....).

What do people think the downsides of not having children are?
 
I was 38 when me and Mrs Sox had our smallie. Until I got married at age 36, I had never really seen myself becoming a father, it was just something I had never really considerd

Why did we have kids? To be honest, I can't say there is a definite reasons, we had kids because............ We just did.

Our first attempt wasn't successful and we lost it at 14 weeks, I still remember being in the Coombe that night as the nurse did the Ultrasound and there was nothing there, horrible feeling

I also remember 12 months later myself and my wife being in a car crash, (she was 6 months gone at the time), again heading for the Coombe, waiting for the scan in terror and the joy of seeing a little hand waving at us as if to say, "I'm fine, relax". I know that's daft but that's what it seemed like

On Stephens Day this year, we were down at my sisters, my wife was changing a nappy when I walked into the bedroom, the smallie looked at me, pointed and gave us a big loud Da Da and then spent the rest of the day pointing at me and going Da Da everytime she saw me. Best Christmas present I ever had

Ever night when I go home and open the front door, there's an "aah" from the living room and a small girl rushes out and hugs my knees. Makes my day and that to me is reason enough to have smallies
 
For me, the downside of not having children would be the regret that I think I would feel later in life....I always wanted to have children 'someday'. I'm in my early to mid thirties now and am very aware of the ticking clock to the extent that it keeps me awake at night. If it were an ideal world, I would love to have children in about 5 years time but realistically I think that would be leaving it a little late to start trying to conceive as two of my friends who are either pregnant or just gave birth both had to go through IVF (they are the same age as me). I am also missing one important component at the moment...a partner! I may meet someone in the next year or two that I want to start a family with but I may not either. I don't want to 'settle' for someone just so I can start a family. I also don't want to not have a child that I feel would be much wanted and loved just because I haven't found the right person for me at that stage. I have been looking in to the whole concept of 'choice motherhood' and am amazed at the range of reactions of people to this, ranging from disbelief to disgust. Selfishness is a word bandied about with incredible frequency.

I also have some friends (women) who are childless and past the age to have children. My married friends always look at them in a sympathetic way as they never had children but most of them are prefectly happy not to have them. It's such a prersonal experience. To each their own. in my opinion.
 
Interesting responses.

While I accept that when the children are born nature takes over and its a fantastic experience (for most) - no one seems to have a reason why they did it in the first place.

When someone says they want to have children - why do they want to?

Mpsox - most people I have asked personally have said what you said 'we just did'.

Lou2 - Im interested in what you say about regretting it in later life if you didnt - I wonder that too, but if I had a rich life and good relationships with people then would that not fulfill me as a person?

I think choice motherhood is a great idea. If I definitely wanted children (for whatever reason) and my clock was ticking and I was single I would certainly consider it.

Another question that himself and myself have bandied about is this - if we did want children why bring new children into an already overcrowded world, why not adopt a child who needs a home?
Whats the key here - do people want to have their own children or are they happy to have the experience of raising a child without it being their biological child?
 
Caveat said:
Just to clarify, it is not my opinion that it is selfish - was just commenting that this is often what is said.
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Yes, I took it that way (I didn't think it was your opinion).
truthseeker said:
What do you mean by 'the positives' Purple (im assuming the 'negatives' are demands on time and money)?
And when you say you wanted to have children - why did you want to have them?
Click to expand...
I think that casiopea has put it better than I could have.
 
sandrat said:
re adopting there is an age cut off of i think 35 for adopting in Ireland
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We are (for the moment) just speaking hypothetically. What Im trying to get at is : Is it the experience of raising a child (any child) or creating your own biological child that people want when they say they want children?
 
I've never had a desire to have kids even though I'm at the age where my biological clock should be ticking. Sure, kids can be cute but it's a relief to hand them back after 5 or 10 minutes.

My other half wants kids "in a few years" but definitely not yet. He doesn't understand that a few years will probably be too late so I've accepted that I won't ever have kids and I just hope it's not something I regret in later life.
 
My guess is that your own biological child is the preference by far.

As regards the 'why' - I think as above, the existance or not of maternal/paternal drive is the main factor - there is often no other real objective explanation. I think it is for this reason that those who don't want kids often 'just don't' and those that do, 'just do'
 

I think you might be right Caveat. It does seem that the 'why' is more about maternal/paternal drive rather than other reasons.

I was wondering if people would answer with other reasons, but perhaps there are no other reasons (besides doing it because thats what people do - doing it without thinking about it I suppose).

I feel the same way as you do about doing it in case you regret it not being a good enough reason for doing it.

I am definitely inclined to think that having children is a more positive experience than it is a negative one but considering that Im already having quite a positive experience of life, and there are things that Id like to do that having a family would make very difficult to do (nothing mad, just personal freedom) and I dont seem to have a maternal drive then perhaps Im in a good position to consider NOT.

But will I regret it later?
What is the nature of regret for not having children? I should have had children because.........? Because what?
 

I'd agree about a maternal/paternal drive, for me it's like i have a physical craving to have a child, i'm 26 and a new home owner so it's not possible to have kids (financially) for a couple of years but i still feel a very strong physical longing to have kids, I suppose what most people would call broodiness. Most of my friends and family would describe me as being 'mammyish' anyway so for me not having children would never have been my choice anyway.
 
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