Roughly how long does it take to get an amicable separation

So my wife and I have grown apart, and tbh I've known at least since Covid that we were headed for separation. I'd like to get on with it and stop drifting. She knows this is how I feel, and we have talked it through without shouting, so I hope we can get it all done amicably. She doesn't feel any urgency to move on, that's only from my side, but doesn't actually disagree that the relationship is over. I think sitting in limbo is bad for our child, who is aware we don't have a healthy relationship.

We own a home together that I am happy to give to her, if she can remortgage it which should be just within the earnings limit. The deposit money was all hers anyway.

We have a child, who we agree should stay living with her in the existing home and keep going to the same school, with every other weekend spent with me once I have my own place, unless I move further away then longer but less frequent visits would make sense. Visiting rights for me to stay in the house sometimes is something I'll bring up if we go to mediation, no idea if that's complicated but I don't mind either way.

She is in line for a work pension, which we agree is hers and should stay that way.

We have no other significant assets, no pets or other dependents, and no health issues. She owns a cheap small car, I'm just on my bike.

She earns more than me, but I don't want any money from her. I would like to avoid paying child support or maintenance at least for the first few years, if possible. She earns enough to cover her own and our child's costs, while I will need to set up a separate home for myself.

I wanted to contact the family mediation service and not involve any lawyers, if that seems sensible? Heard a few horror stories about stupidly expensive hostile divorces, and lawyering up seems to make that more likely.

First of all wondering how long this is likely to take, and if the rules about living apart under the same roof are a practical option. If I need my own apartment before we can do anything it might take a while.

I know I can ask the mediator all sorts of questions, but just thinking it gives the wrong impression to go in there talking about the timeline. I know and respect that their priority is getting things right, not being quick. So if we can avoid making things harder for ourselves with pointless aggro, how long does the process itself usually require?

Why would you be going for a (judicial) separation rather than straight to divorce?

If you can agree many, most or all issues through the likes of mediation it will certainly make the process easier/quicker.

But you both should still probably get independent legal advice before formalising any agreement.

Then it will probably mostly be a case of getting a court date to formalise matters. Your solicitor should be able to advise on how long it might take.

ClubMan said:

Why would you be going for a (judicial) separation rather than straight to divorce?

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Thanks for responding. Was under the impression that the things a mediator looks for are mostly the same as the judge would want to see us agreed on, and the eventual divorce would go smoother and cost less if it was done in advance with a free mediator.

ClubMan said:

But you both should still probably get independent legal advice before formalising any agreement.

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The cost of solicitors does worry me, of course I know the cost of getting it wrong would be higher, but I did hope mediation would be enough to sort out the issues.

GHC2202 said:

Was under the impression that the things a mediator looks for are mostly the same as the judge would want to see us agreed on, and the eventual divorce would go smoother and cost less if it was done in advance with a free mediator.

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I still don't understand why, if the marriage has broken down irrevocably, you (the two of you) would seek a judicial separation instead of just going straight to divorce?

Edit: oh, maybe if you only meet the living apart conditions for separation but not divorce perhaps?

ClubMan said:

I still don't understand why, if the marriage has broken down irrevocably, you (the two of you) would seek a judicial separation instead of just going straight to divorce?

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Sorry for not being clear. What I hoped to do was get the practical details agreed for free with the mediator, who would point out if there was anything we had missed or weren't being realistic about. Then shortly afterwards use the details from the mediated agreement to fill in the divorce forms and file them ourselves, without the intermediate step of a judicial separation, and without going down the rabbit hole of engaging opposing teams of solicitors at great expense. Then hopefully getting the divorce approved within a matter of months.

We still live in the same house, so we don't meet the living apart conditions for anything unless they accept our word for having been "apart under one roof". If that won't fly, I'll have to move out first and it's going to take years. That's one of my first questions, if the judge or anyone else is going to look for proof of living apart or just accept the date we tell them.

This reads like you’re plotting a smooth exit for yourself, not thinking much about her.
“Hope to avoid paying child support” ? You don’t stop being a parent because she earns enough.
Planning visits around your future plans and asking for “visiting rights” in her home sounds more like you wanting a soft landing than real co-parenting. How exactly is she supposed to move on with you hanging around.

GHC2202 said:

engaging opposing teams of solicitors at great expense

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It doesn't have to be expensive. But you would be very foolish not to get proper legal advice.

Child maintenance is assessed on the income & expenditure of both parents. You don't get to opt out.

GHC2202 said:

We still live in the same house, so we don't meet the living apart conditions for anything unless they accept our word for having been "apart under one roof".

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That is a legitimate possibility.

1. You live apart from one another
   • You and your spouse must live apart for at least two out of the previous three years.
   • You and your spouse can live apart in the same house. This means you cannot be in an intimate and committed relationship while you live together. A relationship does not stop being intimate just because the relationship is no longer sexual in nature.

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You may be able to get separated/divorced without legal advice but it would probably be foolhardy and a judge is likely to be hesitant to approve a judicial separation or divorce where s/he is not satisfied that each person has been adequately been informed of their rights and responsibilities when entering into an agreement. By all means use mediation to try to establish as much common ground as possible but I honestly believe that you both also need legal advice as part of the process.

Good luck.