Role of ex-partner's new partner in Children's lives

My ex and I broke up almost 3yrs ago. He met someone straight away and moved in with her. Since then his new partner has interfered in everything to do with custody of our two children,the house we own together and maintenance. She has even gone to his solicitor on his behalf and dictated letters to be sent to me! She collects the children, organises their lives when they are with their father and generally takes over. She has started to interfere with my time with them now and I've had enough. I have had so much abuse over the last few yrs that I've had to change my number so she can't contact me. Talking to my ex has proved pointless-he simply reiterates everything she says,word for word. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Can anything be done? I tried to remain friendly but as soon as I object to anything she turns on me. Before anyone says it this is far from a case of the green-eyed monster. I am getting married next yr to a wonderful man and she is more than welcome to my ex!

What do the children think of her?

And in what way is she interfering with your time with the children?

Calling into my home and asking the children, not me their parent, if they want to go places with her. Making arrangements for them, without consulting me, when they are supposed to be with me. Arranging holidays in term time and telling the children about the hols before me, so I'd look like the baddie if I didn't let them go. Getting my daughter's hair cut without my permission. Will I go on?
The children like her,of course they do, I would never bad mouth her in front of them.
Does this mean she can take over my role as their mother?

Its not all too uncommon a problem but it sure hurts. Every case is different but some generalisations must be drawn to deal with it. Your exes partner should not do anything your ex cant comfortably do as her direction come from him. Your ex shouldnt do anything you dont do. So, in short; if you wouldnt book a holiday for the kids without consulting your ex, you are right to be angry and this needs to be addressed and your ex needs to support you. If on the other hand you would plan a holiday without consulting him, it's gotta work both ways.

I wouldn't dream of it. I inform him of everything that's happening in their lives,make sure they ring him regularly when I have them and send him anything to do with school even though he doesn't really take an interest in school business.Even though he owes thousands in maintenance I never once let it affect his relationship with them. I've been more than accommodating to him re changes to pick up times etc but if I ever need to change anything or don't agree to yet another f his partner's demands,i'm subjected to abuse. My original question was, and still is, has anyone else had a similar experience and if so,have they any advice?

Hi 087nancy,

My problem is the opposite to yours. Im the "stepmother" as such to my fiances 2 children. We also have three of our own. I just wanted to say I admire the way you are handling the situation. My fiances ex is a nightmare. Whenever we had the kids ( I say had as she hasnt allowed access since July even though its court ordered), She went mad when I did anything with them. My partner worked weekends so I would mind all the kids and try bring them places when I could. When they went home she would text me accusing me of allsorts of things, ie, asking the kids about her, hitting them, which I would never do , One time it was because I bought them some new underwear, she took it as an insult. The woman has done so much to my family I couldnt dare mention it here , but I think you are one hell of a woman to keep a cool head when it seems like your exs partner is deliberately doing these things to get at you. As for maintenance, My fiances ex wont let us see the children as he lost his job in April and was on the dole so the judge threw out his maintenance order. Today we received another summons to go back to court even though he still has no job. We cant afford a solicitor, but he has been told to appear or a bench warrant will be issued. We are at the end of our tether. I just wish she was like you, and there could be amicable mediation all around but life just doesnt work out that way. I wish you the best.
Heretohelp

I think it's absolutely dreadful that she doesn't allow access!! As hard as it is, we have to put the children first. I was dead set against my children staying in my ex's new partner's house at first because She was notorious around the area for her parties and allowing her children out until all hours. Thankfully, that has calmed down and they are very happy when they are there. My 7yr old came home once wearing a training bra that the new partner had gotten her.I calmly told her that she was too young and said I'd keep it until she was older. (It went straight in the bin,unknownst to her!) She was perfectly satisfied with this and my ex got the msg not to do that again. I had a good rant to my fiance and my friends about it but didn't say a word to my ex, his partner or the child. What was the point?
About court- The fact that she is witholding custody will work against her,judges have no time for tit-for-tat. Find out if you qualify for legal aid but really, as you've nothing to hide,you won't need one but definitely go-If he didn't show it wouldn't look good for him.