Office colleague is spreading false rumours and makes snide remarks about me?

W

WGT

Registered User
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Hi,
I don't know if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

Over the last 6 months or so my job has become very stressful, not the job itself, but the environment.

A colleague of mine is spreading false rumours about me and make snide remarks to other colleagues. To get straight to the point, he is saying that I'm homosexual.

I got married recently and occasionally comments have been made about my wife.

He is very skillful at making comments that can be taken up in more than one way. Therefore I can't really tackle him directly. The real problem for me is that he has someone sitting beside him who he can 'bounce' these comments off. I believe that this is what gives him power.

If it was just me against him, I would just ignore him. I am keeping a record of the comments and am thinking of presenting them to my manager soon.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

Being called a homosexual (even if untrue) is not slander.

There may be a case for bullying though - you are right to keep notes - keep them as factual as possible. Also, you should ask the person to stop making such comments, even if they are mere innuendo. Then, if they don't stop, head to HR/manager with your notes.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

He obviously knows this is winding you up.

What I would do is wait until I was alone with him, and ask him on a date. Pass a comment 'like do you work out?' and then ask him if he's free any evening.

If he's homophobic, this'll really freak him out.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

You know what leghorn that makes a lot of sense, maybe I should just make a laugh of it, although I am worried as to why someone would think that I'm homosexual
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

I would say it's more like turning the tables on him rather than laughing it off. Psychological warfare.

As for the gay thing, who cares? Some people are more effeminate than others, some are straight, bi, etc, etc... Remember, he's only doing it to wind you up.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

It is impossible for someone to know the extent of the bullying behind this from your post.

At the very least it is spiteful and childish. At worst it is a very malevolent form of bullying.

The joke suggestion to ask him out on a date is bizarre.

He might very well use this in further snide remarks and as "proof".

Take note of all comments along with dates and present to HR if they become unendurable.

No one should have to put up with unwanted comments about their sexuality in a workplace.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

I have a construction background and now spend alot of time in an office albeit not your typical office enviroment. Bullying amongst adults is something I can't fully get my head around.
Whenever I have had a problem with someones attitude I would make it my business to get them alone for a quite chat. If this guy is a bully he will dislike that you fronted up to him. I would set him stairght (forgive the pun) and see what happens.

Running to HR is a bit of an overreaction at this stage, I would think.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

The joke suggestion to ask him out on a date is bizarre.
He might very well use this in further snide remarks and as "proof".
Click to expand...
He's making snide remarks anyway, without 'proof'.

I'm just posting how I would deal with the situation. I'm sure there are hundreds of other ways to deal with it. I, personally, would be against anything that reinforces the perpetrator's assumption that they are 'getting to' the victim.

Just to be clear - he shouldn't ask the perpetrator out on a date as a joke, it has to make the perpetrator really believe he means it for it to have any effect.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

i was bullied in a previous job and it's horrible. you shouldn't have to put up with it and you are right to keep notes. Hoe you deal with it depends on your temperment. Don't worry about overreacting. If ur more comfortable talking to someone else then casually mention it to your manager. They have to take you seriously. If you'd rather confront him then do that

If he's juvenile enough to comment on you all the time, the chances are he's immature enough to make little of your confrontation and it might only make you feel worse. It depends on both you and him but i would definitely recommend mentioning to your boss... do u have a good relationship with ur manager?
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

leghorn said:
He's making snide remarks anyway, without 'proof'.

I'm just posting how I would deal with the situation. I'm sure there are hundreds of other ways to deal with it. I, personally, would be against anything that reinforces the perpetrator's assumption that they are 'getting to' the victim.

Just to be clear - he shouldn't ask the perpetrator out on a date as a joke, it has to make the perpetrator really believe he means it for it to have any effect.
Click to expand...

This really is the worst possible advice to give this person in his situation, with all due respect. It certainly seems that the 'bully' is the stronger character here and he could easily turn the tables by accepting the date (what would our poster do then) or just using it as proof that he was correct all along.

Personally I would ignore the bully totally but if he wants to confront the situation then first of all confront the bully in a relaxed but firm manner. If this doesn't work then collect the evidence and take it to your manager as directed by the other posters. But by all means, do NOT ask him out on a date.

Good Luck
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

Thanks everyone for your replies,
I didn't think something like this would affect me as much. I suppose it's the fact that someone is maliciously painting an incorrect picture of me to others. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being homosexual, but it would probably be easier for me to deal with the comments if I was homosexual. Just to give another example, my wife and I are due to be parents later in the year. Of course, the bully had to throw in his tuppence worth by saying (in front of everyone), "Oh how did you manage that?", to which I replied "Sure, I'll draw you a diagram". He then replied "Please do".
I know this probably sounds as if I'm very sensitive, but it's one comment after another, I'm in a stressful job to begin with, without having to deal with this.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

One possible approach - if he made ref to you being gay in the company of others - even in the slightest or indirect way would be to counter him on the spot with a comment like....'ya know I am not gay by the way...but if I was would that make you uncomfortable? Do you have a thing against gays? Did something happen to you in the past that you want to share with us all...'cause you seem to have some issues with this topic?" This may invariably show up small mindedness on his part in front of others whilst at the same time putting you in a strong position among your peers.

You need to be strong & confident naturally conveying this.... all with a smile on your face at the same time of course....
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

WGT sorry you're dealing with this. It is very stressful!
Just to let you know what my 15 yo nephew explained to me about bullying amongst teenage boys these days.
He said if you have any obvious features they will pick on that...but if you are Mr. Average, the default insult is to call you gay.

So sounds like this guy hangs out with alot of teenage boys.
He is pathetic and really and truly you should not worry about people believing you are gay....people really don't care.

You're reactions might be feeding his "fun".

Is there someone in the office who you could talk it through with ....who might help you come up with a strategy? It might be a boss or a colleague...preferably someone who knows mr juvenile too.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

You'll have to start thinking of your own comebacks.. if he says something about you being gay.. ask him does he fancy you or something?

I really feel for you in this situation. You obviously can't 'take' the ribbing your getting and perhaps its harsher on you than what people on here are thinking. People have a threshold and perhaps yours is just lower than others.

If you feel that this guy is bullying you, you need to sort it. Slander doesnt really come into it, the guy just seems to like winding you up. You're a weak target, as he has kept it up. Do you have someone over you other than a manager? Is your manager approachable? Perhaps you could have a quiet word in someones ear, explaining that its making you uncomfortable and you find it very hard to be in the same room as this guy.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

DavyJones said:
I have a construction background and now spend alot of time in an office albeit not your typical office enviroment. Bullying amongst adults is something I can't fully get my head around.
Whenever I have had a problem with someones attitude I would make it my business to get them alone for a quite chat. If this guy is a bully he will dislike that you fronted up to him. I would set him stairght (forgive the pun) and see what happens.

Running to HR is a bit of an overreaction at this stage, I would think.
Click to expand...

Definitely 100% with DavyJones on this one. Take him to one side and tell him you dont like his attitude and it stops here.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

I don't agree with suggestions about attempting witty verbal ripostes; it doesn't seem to be WGT's type of territory. Besides, in a way, it is sanctioning bad behaviour.

So far as he can manage it, WGT should try not to let such idiotic stuff get to him. Remember, nobody is made a worse person because somebody else says stupid things. Even more important, the bully should not be rewarded by seeing his remarks hit home.

I suggest a more structured type of response. Make notes of all exchanges.
1. Start at a low level: if an unwelcome comment is made, point out calmly that such remarks are inappropriate in the workplace, or between work colleagues.
2. If one or two such responses do not work, then escalate a small amount by prefacing with "I told you before that...".
3. Next escalation: add "I'll have to consider what to do about it".
4. Next: "You are forcing me to take this further" [Note: you are now placing the onus on the bully.]
5. If necessary, take it further. Do not approach the manager as a victim (some managers are very bad at dealing with that) but point out that your colleague is behaving inappropriately.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

MandaC said:
Definitely 100% with DavyJones on this one. Take him to one side and tell him you dont like his attitude and it stops here.
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+1. Tell him to stop the comments. That simple. Don't discuss it. I would ignore all comments of the same nature from now on. Be professional. Responding to comments drags you to his level. Which is what they want. If it doesn't stop talk to your HR person.
 
Re: Office Innuendo Slander

Padraigb said:
I don't agree with suggestions about attempting witty verbal ripostes; it doesn't seem to be WGT's type of territory. Besides, in a way, it is sanctioning bad behaviour.

So far as he can manage it, WGT should try not to let such idiotic stuff get to him. Remember, nobody is made a worse person because somebody else says stupid things. Even more important, the bully should not be rewarded by seeing his remarks hit home.

I suggest a more structured type of response. Make notes of all exchanges.
1. Start at a low level: if an unwelcome comment is made, point out calmly that such remarks are inappropriate in the workplace, or between work colleagues.
2. If one or two such responses do not work, then escalate a small amount by prefacing with "I told you before that...".
3. Next escalation: add "I'll have to consider what to do about it".
4. Next: "You are forcing me to take this further" [Note: you are now placing the onus on the bully.]
5. If necessary, take it further. Do not approach the manager as a victim (some managers are very bad at dealing with that) but point out that your colleague is behaving inappropriately.
Click to expand...

Why do all that. Just tell them once. Stop all the comments, or I'll make a formal complaint. An adult doesn't need three chances.
 
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