D
DOBBER22
Guest
I'm a Limerick man myself but danm this is a cracker had a right good giggle at this. 
In an attempt to influence the members of the
International Olympic Committee on their choice of
venue for the games in the year 2004, the organisers
of Limerick's bid have already drawn up an itinerary
and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is
reproduced
below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb
thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the
Moyross area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The
flame will be contained in a large chip van situated
on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Limerick's competitors have
not been particularly successful. In order to redress
the balance, some of the events have been altered
slightly to the advantage of local 'Limerick'
athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and
microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of
the starting pistol, a Garda dog will be released from
a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets,
hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of
hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner
will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily
harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen
silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in
this event. The first target will be a moving Garda
van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a
post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style
wages delivery man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and
wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The
husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife
be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University
Of Limerick bike shed and take an expensive mountain
bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his
first trip away from home.
All against the clock!!
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting
member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness
the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering,
flashing, joy riding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the
competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags
with which to pick up litter on their way round the
course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into the
Shannon River. The first three survivors back, will
decide the medals.
MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the
Gardai cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking
the streets of Limerick.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by
members of the Kings Island Health in the Community
anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and
music by the St Mary's Park Community Choir. The
Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping
an old washing
machine onto it from the top floor of the block of
flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local
athletes break into it and remove all the copper
piping and the central heating boiler.
:lol
In an attempt to influence the members of the
International Olympic Committee on their choice of
venue for the games in the year 2004, the organisers
of Limerick's bid have already drawn up an itinerary
and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is
reproduced
below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb
thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the
Moyross area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The
flame will be contained in a large chip van situated
on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Limerick's competitors have
not been particularly successful. In order to redress
the balance, some of the events have been altered
slightly to the advantage of local 'Limerick'
athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and
microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of
the starting pistol, a Garda dog will be released from
a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets,
hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of
hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner
will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily
harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen
silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in
this event. The first target will be a moving Garda
van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a
post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style
wages delivery man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and
wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The
husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife
be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University
Of Limerick bike shed and take an expensive mountain
bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his
first trip away from home.
All against the clock!!
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting
member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness
the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering,
flashing, joy riding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the
competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags
with which to pick up litter on their way round the
course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into the
Shannon River. The first three survivors back, will
decide the medals.
MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the
Gardai cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking
the streets of Limerick.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by
members of the Kings Island Health in the Community
anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and
music by the St Mary's Park Community Choir. The
Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping
an old washing
machine onto it from the top floor of the block of
flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local
athletes break into it and remove all the copper
piping and the central heating boiler.
:lol