Bricklayer

[Karl Smith Karl Smith]

Australian bricklayer report

> This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
> newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
> board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a
> Darwin Award for sure.......
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
> Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the
> cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
> the following details will be sufficient.
>
> I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
> alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my
> work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed
> later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry
> the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
> pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth
> floor.
> Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
> barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
> the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
> You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
> 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,
> I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless
> to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In
> the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
> proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
> fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed
> in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I
> continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right
> hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
> Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
> able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience
> pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks
> hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
> Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
> approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can
> imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In
> the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
> accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
> lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
> slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to
> lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately
> only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I
> lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost
> my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay
> there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
> This explains the two broken legs.
>
> I hope this answers your inquiry.
>

 

[Michael Growcott]

..

The story also formed part of Gerard Hoffnung's address to the Oxford Union of 4 December 1958 which can be found at:

www.monologues.co.uk/Bricklayers_Story.htm

This was broadcast on the BBC and published as an LP which had, among other things, on its flip side, advice to foreign tourists to Britain, such as:

"Every London brothel displays a blue light."
"Have you tried the echo in the British Library Reading Room?"
On entering a railway carriage be sure to shake the hand of everyone present."

It also had foreign hoteliers' "square wheel English" translations of their brochures.

"Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every bedroom, affording delightful prospects."