Advice for wife at wits end

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onekeano

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I don't know how the hell I get myself into these situations but here goes....

I was talking to a woman today (not Mrs Roy!) who was very distressed because of the behaviour of her husband. She mentioned that she has on several occasions made up her mind to leave him but never did because she would not not where to go. Probably married about 25 years and kids between 15-23. She stressed that he was never physically violent but plenty of shouting and all that stuff.

I know the guy. Stubborn as a mule, very beligerant and extremely tight with money even though he'd earn plenty. This woman won a major battle with illness in the last couple of years which could well have been related to stress. In spite of this he continues to cause problems with neighbours etc.

Personnally for me the guy display symptons of paranoia, obsessive behaviour and derangement. Wife has confirmed he is obsessive (in a negative way) and has asked him to go for treatment / therapy.

I advised her not to move out and if she was seriously considering that option to get independent legal advice first. After all why should she move out of the family home when it is his behaviour that is causing the problem?

Background is that this guy has a number of houses and is due for retirment soon but has told her that he will "die in the family home" (hopefully sooner rather than later).

Anyone know if there can be legal a case made for a wife to have the husband moved out of the how where there is NO PHYSICAL violence?

Any advice appreciated

Roy
 
onekeano said:
has told her that he will "die in the family home" (hopefully sooner rather than later).
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I personally think that this is a disgraceful comment regardless of the circumstances of the case.

I would agree with RainyDay's advice.
 
Thanks Rainy for that - are there any in Dublin that you recommend that specialise in such cases?

Roy

Clubman, I suitably admonished. If you knew someone when was making the life of his wife and 3 kids hell you might not be so self righteous..........

Roy
 
onekeano said:
Thanks Rainy for that - are there any in Dublin that you recommend that specialise in such cases?
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Try [broken link removed] - Advise her to make sure fees are clarified up front.
 
onekeano said:
Clubman, I suitably admonished. If you knew someone when was making the life of his wife and 3 kids hell you might not be so self righteous..........
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I do know at least one such person well as it happens - and a lot worse a situation than the one that you describe to. But thankfully she's separated a long time now. However I don't consider it self righteous to object to somebody hoping for somebody else's (premature) death.
 
ClubMan said:
I do know at least one such person well as it happens - and a lot worse a situation than the one that you describe to. But thankfully she's separated a long time now. However I don't consider it self righteous to object to somebody hoping for somebody else's (premature) death.
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For obvious reasons I did not go into great detail in my initial post. The person you know was obviously able to get support or advice from family / friends. The person I know has obviously been unable to do so after 25 years of marraige or so. I quoted that the person in question stated he would die in that house which infers that he will continue to make life hell for anyone else living there.

Don't know about you, but if my wife managed to overcome chemotherapy and survive I would be so grateful and relieved and try to make sure that I kept life as stress free as possible. The person in question has done the opposite so if the choice is a) the b**tard lives to 90 and makes everyobody's life hell or b) he drops off earlier and makes everyones life better then put me down for a) EVERYTIME and no apologies for that.

Maybe someday we'll all live in the perfect land that is CLUBMANLAND?

Roy
 
onekeano said:
so if the choice is a) the b**tard lives to 90 and makes everyobody's life hell or b) he drops off earlier and makes everyones life better then put me down for a) EVERYTIME and no apologies for that.

Maybe someday we'll all live in the perfect land that is CLUBMANLAND?
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I you think that objecting to people seeing the premature death of another person as the only solution to their problems as symptomatic of some sort of Utopian fantasy then I suspect that it's you and not me who has some sort of warped view of the world.
 
ClubMan said:
I you think that objecting to people seeing the premature death of another person as the only solution to their problems as symptomatic of some sort of Utopian fantasy then I suspect that it's you and not me who has some sort of warped view of the world.
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Yeah right Clubman - the world is a lot poorer for the loss of some people and I'm warped if I think otherwise. Sadly, I think certain people http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/correspondent/1879407.stm dropping off the face of the earth does not necessarily take away from our humanity. But then again I'm not the pillar of society that you are. Hopefully you and yours will have the blissful life we all wish for, and you can remain as politically correct in 20 years time.

Roy
 
I don't understand the link. Are you saying that your friend's husband is a paedophile now? In any case, you can be as sarcastic as you like but I still consider it morally objectionable for somebody to wish for the death of another person in order to solve some problematic situation that they find themselves in. Most of us grow out of that sort of kneejerk attitude to things once we pass childhood and find more realistic and constructive ways to deal with problems. If you consider this to be some sort of political correctness (seemingly in a pejorative sense) then so be it. I don't get the reference to me and mine and 20 years time though or why you seem to be personalising the issue.
 
ClubMan said:
Are you saying that your friend's husband is a paedophile now?
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- No I'm making the point that sometimes the demise of people who abuse other people may not be such a bad thing. In my opinion the alternative of allowing people to go on abusing their families or their communities versus dropping off the face of the earth is not very appealing.

ClubMan said:
In any case, you can be as sarcastic as you like but I still consider it morally objectionable for somebody to wish for the death of another person in order to solve some problematic situation that they find themselves in.
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Clubman I just wish I could be as certain about ONE thing in life as you are about EVERYTHING!

ClubMan said:
Most of us grow out of that sort of kneejerk attitude to things once we pass childhood and find more realistic and constructive ways to deal with problems.
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You'll find plenty of evidence here http://www.rirb.ie/annualReport.asp of people who weren't able to get past the childhood kneejerk reaction stage. When someone refuses to get counselling / therapy but continues to make life hell for a family how can they be more constructive? My original question was seeking advice from a legal perspective.

ClubMan said:
I don't get the reference to me and mine and 20 years time though or why you seem to be personalising the issue.
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I was making the point that hopefully your idyllic domestic situation continues long into the future. I'm very grateful for my own situation but I feel extremely sorry for people when I come across a situation where one person causes a lot of physical or mental trauma and as I said earlier if the only alternative is for the victims to continue to be abused then I would not shed 1 tear should the abuser suffer an early demise.

Roy
 
I think this post has gone way off topic: of the 11 replies, only 2 contain pertinent information. What's worse is that by the end of it there's no mention of the poor woman who needs help! I've felt that about a number of posts recently, so can I call for this one to go back on topic and help onekeano in getting help for this woman?
 
Could I suggest that maybe the wife should consider counselling of some form before she takes the step to employ a solicitor. Maybe by talking and discussing her problems she would be more able to make the decisions she needs to make without any prompting. I feel that if she attends a solicitor and sets in motion a series of events that she may not be mentally prepared for, it could have further consequences for her. It's just something I think she should consider first from a femae perspective!
 
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fobs said:
Could I suggest that maybe the wife should consider counselling of some form before she takes the step to employ a solicitor. Maybe by talking and discussing her problems she would be more able to make the decisions she needs to make without any prompting. I feel that if she attends a solicitor and sets in motion a series of events that she may not be mentally prepared for, it could have further consequences for her. It's just something I think she should consider first from a femae perspective!
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Excellent point fobs, it could well help sort things out in her mind and if necessary prepare her for some kind of resolution or else the legal process if that is the only route forward.

Many thanks
Roy
 
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