Unknown facts about chuck norris

This is the funniest thing I've read in a while. Pure class.

107 Chuck Norris doesn't Teabag the ladies, he potatoe-sacks them

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck.
President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Is he actually David Norris's alter ego by any chance?

Can this be made a sticky

In a similar vein, there's the ones about Vin Diesel too. My particular favourite is the last one.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied, "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and that those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Vin Diesel has secretly been every Pope the last 350 years, with the exception of Pope John Paul II (who was actually John Cusack).

The Turkish hate Vin Diesel. Why? Because Vin Diesel killed over 1.5 Million Armenians on April 24th, 1915. He later blamed it on the Turkish Ottoman Empire who to this day get accused of this crime as Vin Diesel sits back and laughs at the Armenians.

God created Vin Diesel before Adam, but had to ask Vin to leave because instead of naming the animals in the Garden he devoured their bodies and souls.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of 'Where's Waldo Now?' Not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
If you rearrange the letters in 'Vin Diesel' it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Vin Diesel cannot be killed by man of woman born.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

What about Mr. T ?

Mr. T

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's jibba-jabba.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T was the first to kill two bird with one stone. He kept the stone, and as of now it has killed 6,048.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.

Remember when Mr. T wasn't so popular and awesome? Me neither.

They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead no matter what.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.

Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle.

The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T's neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

- Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days. Wait, that is a real fact.

- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

- Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

- Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.

- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

- Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.

- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

- The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why theres no life on Mars.

- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer

- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.