functioning alcoholic husband drinking/driving

Presently at my wits end with my husband who is a functioning alcoholic.

He collected my daughter at train station last night and he was under the influence. This has been going on for years and because of the nature of his job (garda) I don't know who or how to deal with this.

I am very ill with stress at the moment and waiting to go in to hospital for tests. Afer twenty six years I think it's time to leave.

Can somebody please point me in the right direction?

I don't work and have little money so I'm not very independent but he has become very verbal lately and I'm afraid this will escalate.

I'm never going to win because everyone loves him outside and sees the gentle side to his nature. I also have an elderly mother who refuses to believe me or at least doesn't want to because he has become an extension of my late father doing everything for her.

Im sorry to hear of this situation.

I am the daughter in this story. My own father functioned as an alcoholic for many years but often drove drunk - he drove a taxi so it risked his livelihood. Eventually he lost his licence after a passenger reported him and he was stopped drunk in the car. Of course it was the passengers fault, the judges fault, the fault of anyone but him.

Please go to Alanon. There are meetings all over the country. You cant change your husband, but you can help yourself and your daughter. There are options available to you, but sometimes from within the situation it is impossible to see them.

If I could go back and change the past I would send someone to beg my mother to leave him or at least to stop enabling him. Staying destroyed her health, destroyed the childhood of her kids, gave us all long term issues to deal with due to being children of an alcoholic, and more.

Here is a link to Alanon - list of meetings. The meetings are really nice, they help you learn to cope, to know what to do. They only cost a couple of euro voluntary donation if you have it.

Here is another link to something you should read - Its a story called A Merry Go Round Named Denial - it helped me understand the situation and why it was happening.

Someone else here may be able to help you with the legal aspect of things.

I would agree with all the suggestions @truthseeker has made above.

Just about every community based mental health team in the Health Board areas has an addiction counsellor who is trained to work with family members as well as with addicts or suspected addicts - here is a locator for the mental health team in your area [broken link removed]

I forgot to mention that access to any of the above services is free and all dealings with them are confidential.

As well as that, most of the major residential treatment centres in the country offer residential week-ends aimed at helping family members to help themselves in situations such as you describe, or to recover from experiences like that in their younger days. They're listed under "treatment centre" in directories, paper or online.

You might consider phoning the local station (anonymously) or have someone do it on your behalf giving your husband's details (car description, location, reg no) as a suspected drunk driver if you genuinely believe your husband is a danger to himself or others and is driving under the influence.

Would you consider contacting the Welfare Service within AGS - link [broken link removed]
They may be able to advise you. It is a tough one alright. Alanon is a great starting point for you too.
Do you drive yourself? How old is your daughter - as in, is she old enough to know that he is drinking? You need to do all the collecting/running and racing with/for her and explain to her not to get in the car with him if he has been drinking.

mathepac said:

You might consider phoning the local station (anonymously) or have someone do it on your behalf giving your husband's details (car description, location, reg no) as a suspected drunk driver if you genuinely believe your husband is a danger to himself or others and is driving under the influence.

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I agree with this but given the information in the opening post that he is a guard himself I fear this may be a lost cause. I am aware of other situations just like this where because the alcoholic was a guard they were never prosecuted for their behaviour or it was covered up.

But its still the right thing to do to call it in regardless.

Thank you all for your very informative replies and I will visit al anon next week, cant go locally because of nature of his work but dont mind getting train to Dublin. As mathpec said it's a difficult situation and yes I also feel that it would be covered up. the last time this escalated he was drinking during working hours, they drove him home at all hours of the night in a dreadful state. Eventually I met with one of his superiors but felt he only met with me to get informtion, never made any further contct to see how I was faring etc., I eventually had to get him to the doctor who referred him to somebody in our local hospital and i drove him all over Ireland trying to get him into a treatment programme but he wouldn't go so I've been living with this on and off drinking ever since. Atmosphere is dreadful because he is not a talker, spends hours in front of TV and has no interest in anything or anybody except the bottle and bookie office.

truthseeker said:

I agree with this but given the information in the opening post that he is a guard himself I fear this may be a lost cause. ...

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I have no problem whatsoever with your point of view - I was involved elsewhere in a discussion along similar lines - that law-breaking guards may be treated differently to law-breaking civilians, etc. That aside, I believe OP needs to do the right thing. If the need arises and a report gets made, if an accident happens subsequently at least the OP has done all she can to avoid it. She is powerless over the actions of others, the law-breaker and law-enforcement.

Agree 100% mathepac.

OP - the best way to learn to cope is educating and empowering yourself in this situation.

You didnt cause it, you cant control it, you cant cure it. Remember that.

Remember also that you have choices here too. You can choose to do nothing or you can choose to do something. Change is a scary thing, but sometimes what seems like a scary thing isnt so scary when it happens. And sometimes doing nothing is scarier altogether.

I think you will feel a lot better in yourself and a lot more positive about the future when you take some kind of action. Going to Alanon is a positive step to take.

Just thinking aloud here if there is an Employee Assistance Programme available to gardai and their families. Just another possible option. They are normally extremely confidential and paid for by the employer.

Update: see .

Sue Ellen said:

... Update: see .

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Yes the document seems to have the right level of management lingo (including my pet hate,"proactive"). Presumably the local EA rep is contactable by OP and she is confident the Chinese walls will hold up.

I'm familiar with the equivalent scheme in the ESB (or whoever they are this week) and it is very, very good.

The Gardai (used) to have an in house service for their own members to deal with situations similar to the OP. it used to be a very comprehensive service that acts fast and handles all situations and circumstances. I'm surprised you were not aware of this. Contact your husbands superior officer immediately.

And the best of luck to you and your family as well as your husband.

Some excellent advice above. The only thing I'll add is that functioning alcoholics are extremely adept (they have to be!) at manipulation, particularly when it comes to surrounding themselves with "enabling" figures, whether that be your mother, his drinking buddies, members of his own family or colleagues at work. Denial is certainly not just the problem of the alcoholic. Also, his being a Gárda may bring with it a certain level of macho camaraderie which can add another layer of difficulty, not to mention a tendency in some quarters to close ranks and/or minimise the problem. It's no accident that the incidence of alcoholism is particularly high in this and certain other, typically male-dominated, professions, and it's not just down to the stressful nature of the job.

You'll have your work cut out for you; progress will be slow, maybe zero at first, and with plenty of false dawns. I've come to believe that it is almost impossible to get an alcoholic (or any other kind of addict) to change their behaviour until (s)he is ready to do it. All of the help/counselling/heart-to-hearts/appeals to his better nature will be like water off a duck's back if he's not prepared to change. And change doesn't come easy.

A first step is to break your own isolation by getting in touch with others who have direct experience of the problem, and AlAnon is an obvious start. But you should also talk to your family doctor, because all of the family have already been profoundly affected by this (you say it's been going on for years?), and you owe it to yourself and your children to get help, even if he won't. Your GP may or may not be directly helpful, but they should at least know the full extent of the problem and be in a position to refer you to other sources of support. If they're old enough, it would be a good idea if one or more of the children came with you. You don't have to carry this on your own.

I wish you the very best, and your husband too.

mercman said:

The Gardai (used) to have an in house service for their own members to deal with situations similar to the OP. it used to be a very comprehensive service that acts fast and handles all situations and circumstances. I'm surprised you were not aware of this. Contact your husbands superior officer immediately.

And the best of luck to you and your family as well as your husband.

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Like all services, this only works if the alcoholic is willing to admit they have a problem and is willing to change.

Otherwise you have an alcoholic in denial insisting they have no problem and angry at their wife going behind their back and embarrassing them to a work superior. They will literally do anything to protect their addiction and Ive experienced first hand how strong denial can be - it really can be like dealing with someone who is insane.

I agree truthseeker.

Concert is in a very vunerable position with no independent means of support and very little family back up it seems.

I wouls suggest contacting alanon to empower herself first and possibly contacting one of the women refuge centres if he is becoming verbally abusive or threatening.

There seems to be a lot more going on as husband seems to also have a gambling problem. I'm sure this in turn must impact on your financial situation. While this is not a priority at this stage and I don't mean to dump more problems on you, I can see how vunerable you are and would urge you to get as much help you can with any of the agencies before talking to any of his superiors

Please look after yourself now, good luck

Thanks so much, all of your help was invaluable and has given me the confidence to contact Al Anon. It wont be a solution but it's a start. Personally I think contact with superiors is a waste of time because he is cute not to bring the problem into work now as he got strong warning the last time. His drinking is at night, or when he brings the dog walking. I know he goes to the bookie office everyday but says he only goes in to look at races etc., Financially we are just about managing, making sure mortgage and bills are paid. It's just the isolation that goes with a drinker. He is a very closed book who is not sociable and he can sit in a room with you for hours without any conversation. I have only told two friends about things as it's not fair to keep burdening them with my problems. As an only child I had hoped to confide in my mother but her answer always is 'I never see him drinking' even if its pretty obvious he has been. She is just very old and doesn't recognise the signs but sometimes I feel she doesn't believe me so that in itself is very hurtful. Anyway feeling a little better and confident now. Thanks again

You have got some very good advice here. Plus you now know you are not on your own and there is a lot of support and good wishes for you. There is nothing worse than the feeling of isolation you can feel in a situation like this.

In addition to the good advice above, when your health is better, you could look at training for or taking up a part-time job, which would give you some money for yourself and also get you out of the house.

That was the turning point for my mother many years ago, who up to then had lost confidence in herself and also had no money to buy clothes for herself. She had to account for every penny a drunkard husband gave her.

People with addiction problems are very good at initially getting support from others as they can be very charming until you really get to know them.

Concert said:

Thanks so much, all of your help was invaluable and has given me the confidence to contact Al Anon. It wont be a solution but it's a start.

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Thats great. It was a solution for me actually, and for some other people I know. In some cases the change in behaviour it brings about in the person attending has an effect on the alcoholic too.

If you have any questions about attending meetings or what its like, feel free to ask me.

Im delighted you are going to get support, you are in a particularly worn down low place right now so it can be hard to see things clearly but there is light at the end of the tunnel. The hardest part is making the decision to go and get the help for yourself because its like your admitting its really happening, you have a fear of what the future holds, change is scary, and you might feel a bit like you are betraying the alcoholic by going to a meeting and talking about him - those are all normal feelings. Just try to mind YOU and get the support you need.

It can be hard to talk to friends or family about living with an addict. Anyone who hasnt lived with it really doesnt get it. But there will be an entire room full of people who get it at Al Anon. For me it was like the floodgates opening to be able to talk about it with people who understood.

If your daughter is old enough you should encourage her to go as well, she could go to a different meeting than you so youd still have your privacy to speak as you wanted.

Contact the Occupational Medicine service for gardai. Dr Donal Collins is the chief medical doctor and his department would point you in the right direction.

I don't know what age your husband is but as you appear to have adult children perhaps he may not be far from retirement due to the early retiring age of Garda. In that case I think it is important that you consider training/re-training in preparation for a return to the workforce. The training alone will help your confidence.