Childcare Arrangements Post Separation

Hello, I know that this may not be an appropriate posting for askaboutmoney, but I'm, just firing this off anyway.

I'm in the middle of a marriage separation, and am trying to work out child access arrangements. I will be the non-resident parent, and my wife will be the resident parent. There are four kids, aged 3,7, 10 & 11. All boys except the 11 year old. We will both be living in the same area ultimately, perhaps within extended walking distance. I have no back -up with kids from family etc as my parents are elderly/ siblings are abroad. My wife has plenty of back -up. The 3 older kids are involved in a lot of sport (GAA / soccer) on sat am & pm, 3 year can't really be dragged along to the sidelines.

Thus minding 4 kids on my own is tricky for me, especially with a 3 year old (although this will get easier as time passes). There is outline agreement between myself and my wife that she will have the kids 5 days and I will have them 2 days, but details not worked out.No discussion around special events like Christmas etc. Relationship is poor with my wife at present,despite my best efforts to be polite.

Just wondering how it could be worked out? Maybe I have the kids every second weekend (Friday PM- Sunday PM or Saturday AM to Monday AM?) ; and then one overnight midweek every week? Some people have suggested that as the 3 year old is still quite young, I would have him for say half the weekend for the first 2 years, until he get to age 5. So if I had the Friday PM to Sunday PM for example, I would have the 3 year old from Sat 5pm.

Any thoughts or ideas on this, or alternative suggestions? Thanks in advance

Firstly my sympathies for your situation. I can't possibly guide you on an arrangement, but I will put my two cents in on behalf of your youngest. I'm from a "broken" home as they call it, with older siblings, and younger half-siblings.

While I agree that keeping a 3 year old on the sidelines of Saturday sporting events for older siblings is not ideal, its still important that they are treated the same at all times. Separating them for any period of time might be harmful to your three year old - it will certainly be confusing. They are not used to being on their own at that age; they were brought home to a busy household.

My advice is to find a playground near to where the sports activities are - if the 3 year old is restless or bored one week, pop to the playground for 45 minutes the next. It allows them one on one time with their dad, while still having fun. The older siblings will be playing so won't really notice you've slipped away, and if they do, they are old enough to understand you have to entertain the youngest.

If that's something you're not comfortable doing (I'm not sure of the set up surrounding these sport activities - is it safe for you not to be present, etc.), you'll need to get creative on how to keep the 3 year old entertained while on the sidelines. Books, games, etc - trial and error is the only way about it. I remember lots of occasions of being on the sidelines for my siblings, and my parents would come up with inventive ways to make the time pass. We used to have a competition to see who could hold on to the top of a goal post the longest while my dad tickled us - not to far a drop and he would catch us every time - funny what you remember but its easily one of my best memories.

The only thing I can be sure of for you is that time with their father is essential, so its good to see you pushing for it. In time I hope things become easier for you all.

I don't know about your particular set up, but when my older two (8, 10) are doing sports, the younger one (6) is playing with the other younger kids, several are from her class and have older siblings playing sports too.

Thank you both for your suggestions. Much appreciated

louthman2013 said:

Thus minding 4 kids on my own is tricky for me, especially with a 3 year old.

Just wondering how it could be worked out? Maybe I have the kids every second weekend

and then one overnight midweek every week?

Some people have suggested that as the 3 year old is still quite young, I would have him for say half the weekend for the first 2 years, until he get to age 5. So if I had the Friday PM to Sunday PM for example, I would have the 3 year old from Sat 5pm.

Click to expand...

I think you're trying to make it very complicated and a lot of tooing and frowing. Your ex has suggested 5 nights with here and 2 nights with you. Ie the weekends with you. Why would you want to reduce that to every second weekend? Not sure if the mid week is a runner either, sounds disruptive to the school week. I don't see any issue with the 3 year old either on the sidelines. All parents with more than one child has this issue, you just get on with it and it gets easier with time.

An alternative that might work is a week on week off. Effectively the kids would have two homes, it would work if both parents agreed and gives each one a break and a weekend free.