How to get rid of an adult child?

rogeroleary

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I know a couple who are very elderly but had been living very contentedly until about 3 years ago. Then one of their children aged about 50 had a very nasty split with his wife and asked the parents if he could move in for a few months.

Now 3 years later he drives them mad, dominating the TV for example, drinking through the night and basically living for free off them (pay nothing towards the house bills). Recently, quite amazingly, he has received free travel, free medical card and a "carers" allowance even though the parents (and I have heard this personally) have told him they don't want him in the house.

When the other members of the family raise this point with him he keeps saying the parents are not capable of living on their own and they need someone to "keep an eye on them". Stress levels in the house are very high, this guys is extremely manipulative and to an outsider he gives the impression he is a hero when in fact he is bleeding them financially and emotionally.

Question is, how do they force him out? Do they need to give him notice? Do they need to engage a solicitor? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Roger
 
They can either:

1. Throw him out with the assistance of a family member or friend or - if there is none able to do this - a solicitor; A good time to do this is on his return from a holiday or weekend away (make sure he takes one!) - just have all his bags packed when he gets back and change the locks. This may well precipitate a rift in the family, but that may well be a price worth paying; or

2. They can plan the thing like a military campaign. They can stop feeding him unless he pays for the food - better yet give him a food list to buy each week. They can move the T.V. into their bedroom and tell him to get his own (or better yet, if they can, tell him to get a TV in his own bedroom and watch it there). They can start making him do all of the shopping and other errands; get him to cut the grass, get him to do the washing etc. they can start asking him to help them get out of bed and dress in the morning and to give them lifts here there and everywhere. In other words, they can start being an actual burden to him, and ratchet it up over a few months so that the idea of living on his own might seem more attractive. This might eventually achieve the result that he will move out of his own volition, and without there being a rift. In the perfect outcome, they would be telling him as he goes 'you're always welcome here'.

An outcome like 2 above is really hard to achieve. So the parents probably have to make a hard choice about whether they want the peace of having him gone at the cost of a rift with him. This really must be their choice.
 
MOB, If he lives in the house and "takes care" of the parents over a period of years is there a legal mechanism he can use as their long term live in carer to look for full inheritance of the house when the parents die?
 
they should call the social and ask on what grounds he received the carers allowance and advise they never asked for or approved of it
 
Thanks MOB, I suspect that option one will be the way to go because the character in question could never be imagined cutting grass or other such errands. He is extremely manipulative and I would suspect the very mention of cutting the grass would immediately lead to feigning heart attacks etc.

I am a member of the extended family (very extended member) and I could see a situation whereby I could end up being the one to arrange his eviction following his weekend away :) - however you did mention the possibility of using a solicitor, could you please advise how a solicitor might be involved? Is this by way of issuing notice?

A concern of the family is that there are 4 siblings of which this character is one. The parents have stated on several occasions that their estate would be divided equally 4 ways. The other members of the family are getting concerned that now this character has established roots in the house (albeit reluctantly on behalf of the parents) and the fact that he has now managed to get himself declared as an official "carer"", is there anyway he could claim that he should inherit the house of have a larger claim on the estate because he "cared" for the parents?

Roger
 
Thanks MOB, I suspect that option one will be the way to go because the character in question could never be imagined cutting grass or other such errands. He is extremely manipulative and I would suspect the very mention of cutting the grass would immediately lead to feigning heart attacks etc.

I am a member of the extended family (very extended member) and I could see a situation whereby I could end up being the one to arrange his eviction following his weekend away :) - however you did mention the possibility of using a solicitor, could you please advise how a solicitor might be involved? Is this by way of issuing notice?

A concern of the family is that there are 4 siblings of which this character is one. The parents have stated on several occasions that their estate would be divided equally 4 ways. The other members of the family are getting concerned that now this character has established roots in the house (albeit reluctantly on behalf of the parents) and the fact that he has now managed to get himself declared as an official "carer"", is there anyway he could claim that he should inherit the house of have a larger claim on the estate because he "cared" for the parents?

Roger

Should he still be living in the house when the parents die the family/local council would certainly have the issue of his rehousing before the house could be sold and the estate dispersed. This happens quite a lot.

This man is essentially 'squatting'. His residence and physical proximity to them makes it unlikely the parents can prevail on him to go of his own accord. They do need outside help such as Conflict Resolution Service or solicitor issuing a restraining order on his use of their home.

Whatever they do, it's going to be painful for everyone so they are lucky to have your support. Can you motivate other members of the 'extended family' to stand by and do likewise?
 
Can you motivate other members of the 'extended family' to stand by and do likewise?

I think that's the way it's heading and MOB's option of getting him out of the house and changing locks might be the best solution.

I must admit the rehousing aspect for the council never occurred to me though so not sure it that creates major problems in this regard.

Roger
 
Have the parents specifically said that they do not want him living in their house any more or are the extended family "assuming" they don't want him there? They may be grumbling but they may not want to turf him out (which, btw, I reckon they probably should do).
Always amazes me how some adults assume they have a right to move back to the family home whenever they want!!
 
Have the parents specifically said that they do not want him living in their house any more or are the extended family "assuming" they don't want him there? They may be grumbling but they may not want to turf him out (which, btw, I reckon they probably should do).

I personally have heard them both tell him to leave, that they didn't need him and they didn't want him there. We're talking here about a serial manipulator who goes around telling people that the parents are "losing it" and that the father "can't drive anymore because of his age so I need to do all the driving" (ie. it's very handy for me having a car fully paid for to drive around). The real issue here is the stress that it has very obviously created for an elderly couple who had expected to live out their days quite contentedly and who probably would never have received a visit from this character if he had not been offloaded by his wife!
 
If that is the case, and that they have clearly asked him to go, then the family should help the the parents to achieve this. Get some of the immediate family to have a chat with the parents and be sure they want their help to get rid of him. He doesn't sound like a nice guy, any chance he will harass his parents if they pack his bags and lock him out?
 
I know a couple who are very elderly but had been living very contentedly until about 3 years ago. Then one of their children aged about 50 had a very nasty split with his wife and asked the parents if he could move in for a few months.

Now 3 years later he drives them mad, dominating the TV for example, drinking through the night and basically living for free off them (pay nothing towards the house bills). Recently, quite amazingly, he has received free travel, free medical card and a "carers" allowance even though the parents (and I have heard this personally) have told him they don't want him in the house.

When the other members of the family raise this point with him he keeps saying the parents are not capable of living on their own and they need someone to "keep an eye on them". Stress levels in the house are very high, this guys is extremely manipulative and to an outsider he gives the impression he is a hero when in fact he is bleeding them financially and emotionally.

Question is, how do they force him out? Do they need to give him notice? Do they need to engage a solicitor? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Roger
I am a member of the extended family (very extended member)
Surely this is really a matter for the immediate family? Especially when...
A concern of the family is that there are 4 siblings of which this character is one. The parents have stated on several occasions that their estate would be divided equally 4 ways. The other members of the family are getting concerned that now this character has established roots in the house (albeit reluctantly on behalf of the parents) and the fact that he has now managed to get himself declared as an official "carer"", is there anyway he could claim that he should inherit the house of have a larger claim on the estate because he "cared" for the parents?
I don't understand why you are getting involved.
 
i would agree with Clubman - at the end of the day the parents are adults and capable of making their own decisions - if they need help removing this son surely they can ask immediate family to help?
 
any chance he will harass his parents if they pack his bags and lock him out?


Every chance.........that's the problem. And regarding immediate family not asserting themselves - well some people don't deal well with confrontation, especially where someone is so manipulative and twists facts so make it sound like they are doing all this good when the opposite is true.

Roger
 
But why are you making it your business to sort out their problems? I don't get it...
 
“even though the parents (and I have heard this personally) have told him they don't want him in the house.”

“to an outsider he gives the impression he is a hero when in fact he is bleeding them financially and emotionally.”

You see there are several sides to this story but one thing does seem clear – the parents are elderly and they would prefer if this son was not living with them. However, if it can be accepted that they would prefer he was not there, then they may not have the strength/resolve/willpower (call it what you will) to actively confront the son and make it clear that they want him to leave. So, will they ask the rest of the family to assist them? This is tricky – parents do not like to turn family members against each other – understandably. But what is the alternative? If they are unhappy about him being there, if they want him out, if the immediate family prefer not to get involved, is it up to some of the very extended family? If a client came to see me and told me that their parents were in this situation, I would ask the parents to come in and see me, I would advise them of their options but they would have to decide to do it themselves. It’s not unusual to take clients instructions to write a formal letter to (in this case) an unwelcome lodger only to find that the clients will not take it any further. And in the end it's the clients' case – they have to decide what they want to do, take advices, act (or not) on the advices, and live with the consequences.

And I wonder about the actual motivation also:
“The other members of the family are getting concerned that now this character has established roots in the house (albeit reluctantly on behalf of the parents) and the fact that he has now managed to get himself declared as an official "carer"", is there anyway he could claim that he should inherit the house of have a larger claim on the estate because he "cared" for the parents? “

There is every possibility of this happening .

But its still for the parents to deal with the problem.

mf
 
Thanks MF for the detailed response. I fully understand that the parents have to make the final decision based on the advice & support availble to them. You sum it up perfectly "they may not have the strength/resolve/willpower (call it what you will) to actively confront the son and make it clear that they want him to leave".

When you say there is every possibility that this person could end up having a greater claim to their estate - would you have any suggestions as to how this might be mitigated?

Thanks
Roger
 
Quote "is there anyway he could claim that he should inherit the house of have a larger claim on the estate because he "cared" for the parents? “

There is every possibility of this happening
."

Could you elaborate please on this. In the case of no will being made is there a possibility of him making a claim on the property and getting a greater share than his siblings or have I taken this up all wrong?
P
 
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